"You are human. You're allowed to get angry, to say things from said anger, and to make mistakes that you regret. We all do it because we are human."
It took me a long time to understand what my friend was telling me that day.
You see, I have, or starting to become had, been in a very bad mental health state for the better part of the year. It was one thing happening right after the other, oftentimes the situations would mix together, but the thing to break me was the end of a six-year friendship.
I won't go into details on the situations that lead up to the end - it is still too raw- but I am going to talk about the healing process I went through before I started to finally heal this month.
I was a mess after she ended the friendship. I was crying day and night, almost every day for a couple of weeks, and it felt like I had lost a big part of my life. Basically, I was a big mess every time someone tried to comfort me.
I didn't want to be comforted. I wanted to know the whys, the what was the exact moment that I caused to end it. Because you see, I blamed myself entirely. I blamed myself for being the toxic one, the one to cause only bad things to happen...the one push her to say, "I have the say when and how the friendship ends."
In these first few months, I always got told the same advice over and over. I tried to follow their advice. I tried to forget about her, to not think of her, to move on because I was only dragging myself deeper and deeper into this black hole I was creating for myself.
I wasn't happy in these first few months. I started to hate everything about me. I hated my passions, my interests, and I pushed people away from me cause to me they only cause pain I did not want or need.
I had to delete my story, my very first story that I worked on for 8-9 years before posting, because every time I would look at it I would get severe panic attacks. I wouldn't be able to write until just a week ago. All because I associated my writing with her. With my failure to do anything right.
Yet, people still continued to tell me that same advice just in different ways. It wasn't until one day, a random day out of nowhere, that I got a text from my best friend. I hadn't seen or talked to him in years. He wanted to hang out.
I said yes. I wanted the distraction. I wanted to feel good for once. Something that I hadn't felt in months at this point. I just wanted to be me.
It was as if nothing changed. It was normal between us...just like how it had always been. And for the first time in months...I laughed until my stomach hurt and smiled until I thought my face would split open.
I was me again.
I was happy again.
It was also because of him that I started, unknowingly, my healing process. I owe it to him for getting me out of that horrible place. For giving me something joyful to hold onto when I needed it.
I cried as I told him everything. I told him how I blamed myself, some of the hurtful things that I told my exfriend and the mistakes that were burning me every time I thought about them.
Do you want to know what he told me?
He told me that I was human. I was allowed to get angry, upset, and frustrated. I was allowed to say hurtful things and apologize later. I was allowed to make mistakes.
Because I am human.
That message stuck with me. I pushed it to the back of my head where it started digging its roots.
After that outing with my friend, I felt a bit lighter. I let myself be happy, talk to new people, and I started to redo things that had interested me previously.
I had more downs than ups for the next couple of months after. But every time I found myself going back to that dark place I would repeat, "I am human. I am human. It's okay."
Then last week, after another three months had passed, imagine my surprise when I realized that I wasn't thinking about my exfriend anymore. I wasn't blaming myself either. I was content and enjoying myself now. That was when I started writing again and I felt a piece of me come back together.
It made me realize a lot of things from what my friend told me. Yes, I had a part in the fights, but I didn't cause them all. I always apologized after. Yes, I said hurtful things to her when she got me really upset or mad, but I always tried to explain myself with why what she had done or said had hurt me the way it had.
It's not my fault that she could never understand where I was coming from. It wasn't my fault that she'd never admitted to doing anything wrong in our friendship or for starting some of the fights. It's not my fault for her choices that led to this. What is my fault is the choices I made that led to this.
So, if my exfriend does happen to read this, then know that I am sorry for my part in this. For the words and actions that I did to hurt you. But I'm not all to blame like how you made it sound like to me.
But I also want to thank you for teaching me many valuable lessons like looking deeper at the warning signs, for figuring out how strong I am without you, and (I don't mean this in a callous or rude way) how much happier I am when I put myself before others.
But the most important lesson?
I am human and I am allowed to be a flawed human.