"Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down."
-Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart
Always thought there was something about talking to you at midnight. Always thought that if something else was what you need, I'd have to change right here for you. Always thought I'd have to take the lows, to give you all the highs.
Maybe that was the issue, me trying to please you. Bad habit, I know. Always thought I had to hate you, to let it turn to closure. Always thought I couldn't say that I miss you, could never show weakness. Always thought I couldn't tell you how I felt, but maybe that wasn't true. What if I run out of time to finally face the truth? I don't want to leave and have never told you how I feel.
So in case we don't live forever or long enough to see each other again, I just want you to know I never wanted to let you go. And in case I don't get the chance to ever tell you this in person, I miss you and never hated you. Because I would never want to hate you or pretend that I don't miss you, just to let you go. I'd rather suffer and hurt than wish anything bad on you. But maybe I don't have to suffer to finally let go of you. And turns out I don't have to hate me for not letting go of you. I just had to heal me and give myself the time I needed. I just had to suffer and cry and not pretend that's not how I feel. I just had to live through the pain and learn how to rise again.
And I would lie if I said I didn't want you back, because trust me, I do. And if you ever decided to come back I would probably let you. If you decided to be a part of me again, I would let you. And if you decided to never be a part again, I would accept it. But whatever you decide for, just make sure this time your decision is forever. I know I cannot force anything upon us, I am learning how to live with it. I keep on going and going even if I am not so good at it. It is still leaving scars on me, some may say I am a hypocrite, I always preach shit and then go and do the opposite. But I am learning, I am growing, I am letting you go. And I will continue to grow and love myself and learn how to be happy. I have already learned a lot. I finally know my worth.
And here I am and look at me now, loving myself more than I ever did before.
Here I am and look at me now, shining and growing in full bloom.
©Copyright by Kira Mertens