Conceptual Ideas- Chronology of Future Events in my Life
The concept of love is very hard to come across in this life. You have to be compatible with someone and then you have to share a physical, mental, and emotional attraction with that person. I am naïve in this area and it is very new to me: I feel like I am a stranger trying to grasp ahold of the concept of love. I have not identified a person who I've fallen in love with yet; however, I think my love life will develop one day. From my perspective, I am the one who has to find someone to fall in love with, but once that part of the journey is complete, the majority of the battle has been fought. At that point, I can continue to develop my life from there, which will be less of a challenge than finding a compatible partner. I feel like it is a never-ending nightmare. People make fun of me for talking to myself and they make fun of me for my religious choice and for not conforming to the social normality's that take place within the community here. The tedious struggle is just getting me to that point where I will be able to proceed and succeed in that area of my life. I need to improve certain parts of my social skills, which is difficult to do when I am alone the majority of the time.
Love is very powerful though- I have had an overwhelming sensation of emotional and physical attraction to someone before who rejected me. The sensation of rejection never departs: the feeling of loneliness never leaves: and depression is always haunting me. It is like a cold, bitter hand grasping on my shoulder; chocking my neck, suffocating me. That feeling of failure and rejection is always super-glued to your reaction more than any dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine transmitters in the brain. However, I feel those feelings when I run three to four miles a day two or three times a week- I get that high. I have been love sick before too when I had my first crush in the eighth grade. It didn't end well later on. However, I have felt those surges of intense emotions and euphoric sensations previous to this experience due to a gene of mental illness that has eluded my family with different homogeneous characteristics. When you first actually, "like" someone, you have those feelings, but I feel like those two areas of love and rejection are unequal to each other. I know this for a fact though because I have gone as far as injecting heroin and there's an immediate split second there where you feel like, "What did I just do to my body?" and then there is a long-term response your body forgoes. It is a living hell to say the least because each time that I used the heroin, I had to add on one more point to get the equivalent high to the previous. Addiction is a pest if you are born with it and it's something that crawls on your back that you just have to shake off, violently. It sucked being in that hospital bed for two months, and a period of time previous with a tube shoved down my throat and being fed ice crisps for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a forty-eight hour period. That is not the worst feeling you can have, but it is one of the worst feelings you can experience- the premonition that you have felt like you had given up on your dream, that you have become noncommittal and when you can't aspire to be what you want to be in life. Where you're stuck in a rut, where you can't do anything or when you are composed in a standstill period of recovery. Even to this day, my memory haunts me in my school life and my daily routine. Rejection is worse than addiction though- addiction is self-induced and can be overcome with the right steps to recovery or with a life-changing event that shapes recovery. Once you've been rejected though, the feeling stays with you- you know the person doesn't like you even though you are madly in love with them and it hurts. Having a broken heart is the worst thing a person can bare and it is a weight or a burden that stays with you.
Furthermore, I was wide-awake for forty-eight to seventy-two hours during my overdose. I was awake from February 18th at one in the morning to February 20th at twelve in the morning. Then when I overdosed, I finally fell asleep and that was the best feeling ever. When I fell asleep and when things went black- I didn't have a dream or anything- the intense euphoria that I experienced after overdosing was intense. It was just rest and recovery- it was like sleep without dreams- total blackness- like the snow and fog had invaded my windshield wipers. I didn't have to think anymore about my past circumstances that I was a victim to, how the subgenre of people I was subjected to rejected me due to their conceptual beliefs of how addiction should be managed, and I didn't have to worry about work at seven-thirty in the morning in Mesa till four in the afternoon. It was the best feeling ever: it was like having a large burden lifted off of my back- everything went black when it happened too. I was asleep for a forty-eight hour period in a bed after they had managed to get me breathing again with a ventilator. When I stopped breathing, I experienced the lack of oxygen and I had faced death in the eyes and came out victorious. I literally cheated death- in a figurative tone, I faced death and I waved my middle fingers in its face and then came out the winner. I should have died, but someone found me at that party at around seven in the morning on Saturday February 21st of 2015, and they transported me without haste to the ICU in Chandler, Gilbert. They just dropped my head on the pavement next to the entrance of the hospital and drove away. The technicians and nurses came out and got me to safety. If someone hadn't of done that though, I would have died. If someone hadn't of brought me to the hospital, I would not be here right now. I literally cheated death and now I have the pleasure of writing about it in my novels. It is something I am not going to repeat.
It's kind of like going to sleep without dreaming, permanently. It's all black and your resting. It feels good especially because this life is full of commitment. You can't do anything with a noncommittal attitude or aura now- you get to pick between committing to something and doing it one hundred and fifty percent or you don't do it at all. You either work forty-two and a half to sixty hours a week or you go without pay or you work less hours and get paid less money. As a consequence of not adhering to the normality of society, one could end up homeless or dead. You either enroll in four three credit hour eight week classes for a year and a half to earn an associates of arts degree or enroll in five three credit hour twelve to fourteen week classes to become educated or you don't earn your degree on time from the start date of your enrollment. This has to do with your desire and motivation and your grit. This has to do with perseverance and one's indefatigable spirit. You have to commit to who you love to, you can't ever give up on that person- you have to accept them for who they are and accept their flaws with the pros of being in a relationship with them.
If my ability to change is infinite then I can change my appearance by exercising more, eating healthier, stick to a regular routine with my medications, and living a sober, consistent lifestyle to become more attractive. In addition to this, I have to account for my intrinsic values such as integrity, perseverance, accountability, and humility. If I can just do these several things, go to class, and meet other girls my age out in the community, then I will be able to find someone who I share something in common with. Then I can form a relationship with that person and then I won't be as lonely as I am now. It will be a new situation and a new opportunity for me. I don't think I could focus on school though if I am distracted with girls in the classroom though. If I can manage those necessary skills in life along with active listening, then I can improve my overall lifestyle. I will also earn an associates degree, transfer to an accredited university within the American college system, and earn a bachelors. Once this is complete, I will have a girlfriend if I have become more socially acceptable and then I will have a family. Consequently, I will not be able to work too many hours because of this. I will need to work enough to support my family given that I have one, in the future, which may or may not occur. Then I will have to maintain my relationships simultaneously when I will be working full time. I do not expect this to happen over a few years either and I need to repair some of the damage I have done. I believe it is going to take ten years at least for me to achieve all of these goals. It's a new journey I am embarking on and I need to pay attention to the trail along the way. Furthermore, I need to map out a plan consisting of the constituents of the process that is going to help me achieve this dream. This is for another document and another time when I have a clearer idea of the major I want to select based off of my preferences.