11:13 PM, January 29, 2020– 12:30 AM, January 30, 2020

"How are you?" You ask.

"I can't remember two hours ago

I can't remember what I did today"

Seems you're talking to a professional

I couldn't tell you how I got here, aside from 'by car'

I think I rely on luck but alas, can't remember my skills either

I don't think I have any talents but I can't remember what I'm good at

I just remember that I need to write an email to Jo Samaritans

And I'll probably not eat much tomorrow

And I have so many things to do but here I am, whining over everything I've forgotten

And I know that I'm cold

And I know that it feels good to be this cold

And I know that I'm not dying of fever

But I can't remember when I started feeling good about feeling bad

Seems some of us don't have the liberty, Miss, to remember everything that makes them who they are

I know I spent a lot of time alone, and yet I remember little

I know a lot of things about my life because of emails

I think that might be the reason I write them at all

I think that if I didn't write them I'd be a different person

But maybe I wouldn't, because I don't remember the things I wrote down either, but I know that I knew them

Yes, Miss, sometimes I remember something if I really want it

Sometimes I remember things that make me feel bad but apparently I keep forgetting those too

I really wish I hadn't deleted those emails, Miss, because I don't know how I got here

A year ago I was feeling bad but I don't know how or why

I only ever write emails about the negative things; it's a helpline, after all

I remember a few tiny victories and a few big failures but mostly I don't know, Miss

I wish someone would tell me what happened, and why I'm like this now

I wish someone would take me to a doctor

I wish I could overdose on drugs, Miss

No, I don't remember and that voice that's supposed to be in my head must've quit his job

I hate you sometimes, Miss, because you mock me

You get mad at me when I don't remember things from so many years ago,

But Miss,

I can't remember what day it is

I think something's wrong with me

Why are you scoffing?


I have friends

They all talk about the past

Well, I'd tell you who I was, but I can't remember

These emails of mine that I rely so heavily on are murdered

One night I tried to purge myself of bad memories but I just forgot everything and I still can't tell if it was worth it

One night my writing was taken away from me and poured over immensely, and I was so distressed that I never looked at that writing again

No, I don't remember that night

I blocked so much of it out that even when I look at the emails I still don't remember

I think that might be where all of this started

I'd tell you who I was, but back then I never thought I'd forget

So I never wrote anything down

And I forgot it all, love

I think I love you

I can't remember

All of my messages are only kept for thirty days

I don't know if I love you or not

I remember you pretty well, or at least your personality

You're safety

I think I love you

I can't remember

You always talk about the past.

It's not fair that you get to remember the past when I can't even remember yesterday

I can't remember today either

And tomorrow I won't remember you

Because I never do

I keep wondering how many people I've forgotten about

I never forget about people, unlike events

But then, how would I know?

I don't know anymore

If I've forgotten about people,

Obviously I wouldn't know

So don't ask me

I can't remember who I was

I can't remember who you were

All I know

Is that

You

and me

Are here right now

And you deserve more than me

But I can't give you more than me

Here's one thing about you that I remember: you make fun of my stutter

But I only remember that because you just did

Here's one thing about me that I remember: I hate the holiday Easter

I think it's stupid

But it's progress

Remembering

Why do I only remember the bad things?

Here's one thing about us that I remember:

We watched the movie Krampus together and shared a bowl of popcorn and I lied to you

You ask me what I'm interested in

My mind blanks

I don't know

I'm not doing anything right now

I can't give you more than me

And for once you've found someone unique, I think

A personality, pure

You can rest easy, knowing that this is me, because I apparently am not shaped by the past

You can't learn lessons if you don't remember them

I remember you

So well

People have grown roots in my mind

Why can't anything else?

I tell you all of this

Bite my tongue

I overshare

I know that

I'm sorry

You smile, say, "I know, right? It's like I space out for hours on end! When somebody asks me, my mind just blanks!"

I can't remember if I liked you or not

I don't think I do now

Now's the thing that matters

It's all I can give, is the moment

I don't remember who I was

I don't know who I will be

I know what I'm thinking right now, though

And it's that you don't know

This causes me so much distress

It's not just when someone asks me

My mind is blank all the time

I feel so stupid

It takes me so long to remember even simple things

I've spent entire days debating the date

Only finding out what it really was when its changed

I've spent days looking for my notes

The ones I hold so dear

The ones that haven't been stolen

If anyone finds them, I worry that

I won't remember anything ever again

I can't confess all of this to you

Why are you smiling so enthusiastically? This is serious

I can't remember anything

I can't remember what we were talking about

I blurt out, "How are you today?"

I realize it's the fifth time I've asked you that in forty minutes

I feel so stupid

You laugh

This conversation is light hearted

But me?

I think I love you

Here's another thing I remember about

myself: I hate chamomile tea

Here's something about you: You love chamomile tea

I drink it sometimes just to feel like you might fancy me

Just to feel like I'm more than just a conversation to you

I hate tea

I realized this the other day; I wrote about it too

I hate everything about tea and yet I love tea itself

Here's another thing: I love non-sobriety

It's one of my favorite things

I can't remember if I was using British or American spellings

It changes every story I swear

I don't think you'll ever love me

Because you're concerned about your health

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

I don't ever remember wanting to die but I write down this thought at least once a day so I'll write it down some more

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

My mother thinks I'm stupid, you know

It's funny how conversation always comes back to me

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

My mother isn't proud of me

She claims she loves me but how could she?

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

I know alcoholism is bad but I can't help romanticizing it

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

I know that that's my future

Or maybe gambling

Or maybe drugs

Or maybe death

It's all the same

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

No, you'll never love me

You'll never love me

You'll never love me

And I don't love you

I'm just too lonely to distinguish between the two

Love and friendship

It's all the same

It's all in the moment

I just want someone to help me remember

Maybe I don't deserve that

I'm so lonely

I'm sorry

I'm talking about myself too much

Aren't I?

With my mother, it's more

Conscious

I think about what I say

I'm not used to friendly faces

I thought I remembered some but now they're, for lack of a better word, really mean

I wonder if anyone ever loved me at all

With you, shit just comes out

I'm sorry

You always yelled at me when I said I loved you

Platonically, of course

Please, just help me remember

I didn't understand why you yelled at me

I love everyone I meet

Every hour is a reset point

There are no saves in this game

It's cruel

When you don't know anything else, of course you think what you have now must be the best

When you don't know anything else, every new moment is also the worst

My head hurts

This is getting awkward

I'm tired

I'd rather be with you than at home

My mother will scoff at me when I call her, murmur about drugs

That's not fair

Except it is

And you'd agree if I ever told you

Instead I lied to you

About one of the few things that I remembered

I don't know why I call her

I just want to die

I think she loves me


I can't ever remember how to use this damn phone

Of course it's Apple, I was raised on Apple

I remember that much

Maybe I'm feigning all of this for attention

Maybe I remember and I'm just bad

I mean, I know I'm bad

But what if I'm worse

What am I trying to block out?

I think I need a therapist

I do well with routines and I remember some things

Love

Please

Don't leave me

Please

Love

Woah, that's just like a table

For a quadratic equation

I hated quadratic equations

I hate math

I always feel so stupid

Love

I'm sorry, I got off topic

I know who my friends are and I remember their personalities

I don't know why I love people that don't care about me

I'm sorry for talking so much; every moment is a new revelation to me

I remember a long time ago, before I had the tendency to forget, I was telling my mother about a story I was writing

She told me that she hoped I didn't talk about it with my friends

I didn't

I didn't tell her the rest of what I was going to say

See? Sometimes writing is valuable

I know I should be doing my work

But I fear that I'll disappear if I don't remember all of this

Why do I only remember the bad stuff?

Why don't I remember much at all?

I miss my friends

I could contact them but I won't

There'd be nothing to talk about

Love

Please save me

Love

Please remind me

Love

Please don't leave

Why doesn't anyone ever think I'm polite? I learned my pleases and thank-yous

Love

I don't know if I think you're a friend or what

I don't know what I think

But you can't be any worse for me than I am

Why can't this self hatred leave me?

I'm sorry

I'm just having a bit of a debate

I shouldn't dump all of this on you

You don't deserve it

I'm a bad person

I should write an email to Jo shouldn't I

You don't need this

You don't need me

I'll be fine, love.

You never liked it when I called you that

I'm sorry, I forgot

I'll be fine

I'll be fine

I'll see you tomorrow.


I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

Why don't these thoughts ever leave me

I just want to die

I'm not religious, or at least I'm undecided— but if I had to guess, this is a punishment from a deity

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

Why do I only have bad memories

Why did I lose all the good

What did I do to deserve this

I just want to die

I just want to die

I feel like an imposter

I shouldn't be here

I just want to die

I just want to die

Why can't I remember anything good

While all these horrible things always crowd my mind

It's not fair

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

Why is this all so painful?

I think I'm a waste of resources

Yeah, that would be it

That's why I deserve this

All of my notes to Jo have been useless

I only feel worse and worse

That's my fault, of course

I think maybe it'd be better if I didn't remember at all

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

I hate romanticizing things but it's the only way I can cope now

This forgetfulness is going to kill me

I don't understand how one could become suicidal in the first half hour of their life

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

I remember everything I learned, or at least a few things

Like quadratic equations

And how to make garlic bread

And just a tad of German

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

I don't know what I believe in anymore

I like history

I always repeat myself

Over and over and over again

This thought just won't leave me alone

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

How can someone live a good life and still only remember the bad?

I'll be tired tomorrow

It doesn't matter

Not that it matters

How many resets does it take to purge you of sin?

I can't get rid of this thought

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

But I don't want to die

Oh, but I do

I don't want to die

But what do I do now?

I can't remember

I can't forget

I'm stuck here

I can't kill myself

I can't live

I can't function

I'm tired

I think I'll just sleep awhile

And in the morning I'll wake up

And maybe I'll remember why I ever loved you

And all those missing emails from Jo Samaritans

But the pain'll still be there

And I know that

Maybe it only gets worse

I'm going to sleep for now

I don't want to die

I just want things to get better

If you don't pass on your memories, who were you?

Were you anybody?

Bitte, ich möchte leben

Please, let me remember

Bitte, ich möchte leben

Please, let me remember

Bitte, ich möchte leben

Please, let me remember

Soon


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