"I don't love you anymore."

But I still love you...

Who knew that 5 words could do so much damage? As they fell from your lips my whole world stopped. My future disappeared from in front of my eyes, my whole life shattered around me. And then you walked away.

Picking up the pieces of your life, it never gets any easier. People say that time heals all wounds and I guess, for the most part, they are right, but it also leaves scars. Painful reminders of the past, that slowly fade but never really disappear. And while you're sat there in the ruins of your heartbreak, lost and hurting, people will try to make you feel better. People aren't good at that; they tend to say the wrong things, albeit with good intentions, I call it foot in mouth syndrome. Sometimes you find yourself in the pieces of your shattered heart, sometimes it just hurts.

I find myself uniquely gifted in coming back fighting. Because after all, I have been here before, maybe not exactly here. 'Here' is cancelling a wedding because he's decided that after feeling 'differently' for 4 months he is actually going to say something and leave (with 6 months left to go...). But heartbroken, confused, angry check, I've walked this road more than once.

"I don't love you anymore."

What did I do wrong?

You're not the first guy to break my heart and you may very well not be the last. But you will certainly not be the one who beats me, I win. I'll pick myself up, dust myself down, hold my head high and carry on. Because that's what grown-ups do.

It will take time for me to trust again, to love again. It will take time for me to see a bright and happy future ahead of me, but I'll get there. Because if nothing else I will not let you win, no one gets to beat me. I am strong, I am a fighter, and I am worth so much more.

I love fiercely, I care tremendously and I am not afraid to call you out on shit I don't agree with. I am smart and funny. I'm okay with my freckles, and my stretch marks. They are part of what makes me, me. Just like each tattoo I chose to have etched into my skin; my scars are my story.

My skin shows that the path I've walked wasn't always easy. Never just sunshine and rainbows. It shows that I've fought, and struggled, that I've been beaten down and come back fighting. And I wish just for a minute you could feel even a fraction of the pain I've been through. Of the pain you caused.

"I don't love you anymore."

How could you do this to me?

It was like you reached inside my chest and ripped my still beating heart out and crushed it. I heard what heartbreak sounds like that day, heard it as the noise fell from my mouth entirely without my permission. And as I sat there with tears streaming down my face, you turned your back and walked away.

Now I know what kind of a man you are, because anyone who can look at another human being in that much pain and walk away, that's cold. Unfeeling. Good riddance, eventually I will find my Prince Charming, I have been honest and kind and dignified, I deserve my happily ever after. And yeah right now it sucks because I thought that was you, I thought you were my happily ever after but never mind. Plenty more fish as they say.

Funny thing is, at the time when people said that to me, I didn't want any other fish. I wanted you, I wanted that specific fish that had just fucked off. Now a mere month on I can see how ridiculous that was, because they are right, there are so many other fish out there. Big ones, little ones, younger ones, older ones, long ones, short ones. And now I can take my pick.

But no more orange ones. I'm officially done with gingers, of any kind (I'm talking about you 'It's strawberry Blond' folk) cause I sure as hell need a new type. Not that I'm worried about that right now. I'm just gonna do me for a while I deserve it.

"I don't love you anymore."

But we were getting married...

Then you went away with work for 6 weeks leaving me to have to cancel OUR wedding. How embarrassing. Crying at a registrar because I just couldn't hold the tears in any longer. Leaving me to sort through all the stuff. Well I hope you're prepared to get your shit. It's all in a bin liner, most of it came out the wash basket (I haven't washed it) there's some other stuff in there too. Birthday present, Xmas present. Cards, lots of cards. I might have accidentally (on purpose) mixed up the bin bag with your bag and put some wedding stuff in there... Oops. And all the toys I bought for you are loose in there. Hope the bag doesn't rip because wouldn't that be embarrassing.

"I don't love you anymore."

Is there someone else?

Is it Her? If it's her I'm probably not gonna take that well. If you cheated on me have the bollocks to tell the truth. If you ever loved me, ever respected me, give me a bit closure. To be honest it's the not having answers that hurts the most. I can deal with being alone. I just don't understand why?

I mean if you cheated on me I'ma slap you hard. But I'd rather know you did at this point. Cause then I can resent you for a bit and carry the fuck on. But right now, I'm in limbo. Cause right now I'm hurt and confused and part of me just wants you to come back.

"I don't love you anymore."


Taking my engagement ring off was weird. Sometimes I still want to text you and tell you about my day. Then I see my hand and I remember. It hurts a little less every time. I don't think about you as often anymore, days are passing where I don't question why, what happened, was it me?

It really does get easier to carry on. Hell, you probably did me a favour. A short sharp shock that made me get up and fight.

"I don't love you anymore."

I'm okay with that.

There have been days where I wasn't, where it sucked just as hard as it did the day you left, like what should have been our wedding day, that sucked. But I plastered a smile on my face and faked my way through it.

It's been almost 10 months since you left, and since then I have changed jobs, moved houses, met people, made friends. I moved on. And yes, for a little while everything reminded me of you, but now not so much and even when I think of you, I'm grateful. You left me a broken mess, alone in the world, scared of the future. I picked up the pieces of myself and put them back together, all on my own.

"I don't love you anymore."

Its been a little over a year since you left now. This is the last time that I'll be writing here, I don't need to anymore. I started this in the throws of heartbreak. When I cried myself to sleep wondering where I'd gone so wrong. Now don't get me wrong the last year hasn't been sunshine and rainbows by any means. I've worked hard, fought hard and dragged myself back from the edge but I made your exit a good thing.

I made myself a new future, with new people in it, with prospects and hopes and dreams. I grew. I moved the fuck on. I did me. And would you look at me now, I'm happier and stronger than ever. I have a real tangible future; with aspirations and goals and some milestones I've already achieved.

There are only two words I have left to say now...

Thank you.