I'm not sure how I got here.
But what is 'here' exactly? Is it a place? A location? Somewhere with some psychotic underlying cause that I am currently unaware of? Well, I know that I am on Earth, which mean I am currently alive on one of the many landmasses that Earth possesses. And if I am on a landmass, then I am living in a place. Yes! I am currently a college student living in a city, so we're getting somewhere. Specifically, I live in a neighborhood, which is small and quiet, and in that neighborhood is a house. The house is nice, cozy and doesn't seem to be overbearing nor constraining. In that house is a room that I call my own, yet it's not mine. The house is also not my own, so why am I here? Why am I in this city? Why am I on this landmass? Most importantly, why am I here? What was I doing before this? I can't seem to remember, no matter how hard I try.
Wait, who am I? I mean, I know that I am human and that I am a college student, but I can't seem to figure out who I am? But that doesn't make sense! I should have some sort of clue about who I am, I mean, there are others around me that have a face, a story to tell. Why does my head throb when I try to visualize what I look like? But why is it so blurry? There's this tight knot in my chest whenever I try to get a sense of bearing about myself. This heavy ache in my chest seems to be getting heavier and more painful by the minute. I'm scared. But what am I so scared about? I don't know what's going on anymore, I need something or someone to tell me what's going on, but my voice isn't coming out. I can't seem to hear anything, no people, no cars, no animals, or even the hint of car horns in the distance.
Absolutely nothing. I'm panicking now.
I'm not sure why, but the silence is killing me. I need something to distract me while I think. I try to look observe my surroundings for something to use, anything, but I can't see anything. Wait, wasn't I just in a room just now? The once white walls that lined my room were now gone and pure darkness has replaced it. What surrounded me was pure black nothingness. I want to scream out, but my voice won't let me and so I started to move my way through the dark, carefully feeling my surroundings with my hands, but I didn't feel anything. The fear is starting to overcome my body at this point, and I broke out into a sprint. I don't care if I run into something at this point, because pain is an indicator that you're alive and also, if I run into something, then I can map an area out. But, as I kept running, the darkness continued to engulf everything, including my ability to feel and more importantly, my sense of reasoning.
What do I do? Where am I supposed to go?
I'm scared, I don't want to be here
I can't see, I can't hear
Who the hell am I?
Why am I here?
It's painful. The darkness started to bear down on my heart, and I felt like this astounding pressure brought forth emotions that I never knew I had. Guilt, hatred, jealousy, self-loathing, despair, sadness. All of it hit me like a tidal wave, all at the same time, and with it, accompany of new thoughts.
Why can't I do anything right?
Why do I feel so worthless right now?
Why do I feel so numb?
Why do I feel such an overwhelming amount of guilt?
Am I guilty of living?
Am I a good person?
Do I deserve anything?
Do I deserve love, happiness?
I'm screaming at this point, because I want it to stop. I want everything to fucking stop. The pain, everything, needs to just stop!
Why am I alive?
I feel so lonely
Why can't I love the people who love me?
Why do I feel so empty?
Why is everybody leaving me?
Why doesn't anybody notice me?
The guilt, pain, and everything in between was becoming too much. I'm crying, yet I'm not crying because something inside me told me that crying will just make things worse, a worthless action with no value. I just wanted everything to end.
'I didn't do anything to deserve this!' My mind yelled. 'Why does it have to be me? I didn't do anything wrong!'
'Oh, but you do deserve this.' said the voice in the back of my head. 'You deserve to feel pain because you hurt the ones you love the most. You neglect your precious ones and leave them to rot. You don't have what if takes to love or to do anything. You should just die.'
'But I don't want to die! I have family and friends that I'll make sad if I die!'
'Do you honestly believe that they love you? You're emotionally disconnected from them and because of that, you don't give a damn about them.'
'But…my family! They care about me!' I yelled back.
'I'm sure they do, but you're not particularly close to any of them and once they're gone, you're by yourself. No one will bother with you anymore. At this point, you're just a useless burden.'
I bang my head against my knees to try and quell my psychotic thoughts.
'Please, just let me go. I don't want to feel this anymore. I just want to go back home...'
I gasped and turned around, coming face to face with a pair of emotionless eyes and a sinister grin, filled with malevolent intent.
"You're not needed anymore, so I'll take your place." I said with a grin as broke my own neck.