The Boy In The Mirror
Ethan Maverick, yes, that is me. I am known among many people, I am loved, loved? Am I really loved? No, they love me, if they didn't they wouldn't care about me so much. I look at myself in the mirror, emotionless face, pale, bags under my eyes. "Alright me, I know you have things to say, so say it" I said out loud not taking my eyes off the mirror.
No one understands us, no matter how hard we tell them and get them to understand they just don't. You have friends, are they really your friends? They treat you like one, you're the reason people leave, you, are the reason mom left.
"No it's not!" I say with tears coming down my face
It is and we both know it. No matter how hard you try, you will always be the one so is a pain, a bother, every time you text Jay you know she calls you a bother, no matter how many times she says your not, deep down you know you are.
Heck, after all, you're a perfect victim to get taken control of sexual harassment, bullying, and prejudice. Let's also remember about the election and partialness. They should give away that you're not wanted in this world.
Heck, remember when you tried to talk to your dad, he's a drinker who happens to be bipolar, so him helping you is low, very low. You can't go to your counsellor because they just laughed at you, telling you that it's just a phase and you will be fine soon.
When we both know, you won't be fine soon, you'll keep bring trouble where ever you go, everywhere you go and everyone you will meet, will be damaged by this. They forever will be, no matter what, you will get yelled at, and your getting yelled just because you exist.
I know you've been listening to me a lot more, you know what to do, you've tried it twice now, the second time, last time, you almost did it. I know that this time, the third time, you will do it. After all the system is that broken no one will care.
I look down at the bathroom sink, dad's pills in one hand and a small razor blade in the other, maybe the voice is right, no one will notice. I put both objects down and grab a letter addressed to dad, I place it on the kitchen counter and head back to the bathroom, grabbing my phone along the way.
I look up at the current time in Australia, it shows up as 3 am. Jay should be asleep. I open discord and press on her name.
H I just wanted to say, thank you for being my sister, you're a wonderful supportive friend. I'll never forget you and make sure to always smile, even in your darkest days. It's okay if you can't, just continue to be positive. I want to sleep, peacefully. There was a boy who wanted someone to talk to in the mirror, so I had a conversation with him.
He wanted to talk to people about his problems, but he feels like he has nobody to talk to. Actually, yeah, he has people to talk to but do they really understand him? No, he doesn't think so. The only person who truly understands him is me. I don't know what to do, he's been broken too much and he just wants to end it all. He wants to escape from this pain. He thinks that him being born is the biggest mistake of his life. He's scared to die but afraid to live. "Wouldn't it be nice if he disappeared so that nobody would have to deal with him anymore? So that he wouldn't have to bring darkness to anyone? So that he wouldn't get yelled at just for existing?" He's not sure but at the same time, he thinks so. He talked to the counselors, they don't understand him. Ever since childhood, he has learned to keep his feelings and true emotions hidden inside. He talked to his father, but his father doesn't understand, especially when drunk at night; being bi-polar until the next day/after morning. He talked to his friends, they either ignored him, told him it was a phase, laughed at it, or just brushed it off. Nobody truly ever helped him. Plus, this boy has been broken since Elementary School. Bullying, sexual harassment, neglection, prejudice, and partialness. He has had enough of it. He doesn't want to go through this anymore, yet, what should we do? Therapy won't help because they also think that it's just a phase. Again, what should he do? Nothing. He can do absolutely nothing except leave this world. Why continue to be here if he's just going to cause more trouble and be a bother for others? Maybe making a permanent idea isn't such a bad idea. He thinks it's time to say goodbye, I'm not sure what to think. Words from him, "Why am I getting treated like this? Did I do something wrong? Is my existence itself wrong? What... Did I do? This world isn't for me. I want to leave, forever. There's no purpose." That's the end.
To my shock, I get a message back a couple of minutes later
GamesGroup Match: Your not a bother and you never will be, and you don't cause trouble, you never do, it's the bullies who cause the trouble. This isn't s fade I know that for a strong fact, your therapy isn't helping, tell me everything, I am listening
H&PEthan: You're saying those things just so I can feel better. I cause trouble, everywhere I go, something ends up wrong. Maybe I am just a mistake. If I was gone, nobody would care and they'd probably just laugh at it. So, I messaged you to say goodbye. I'm going to go to sleep. Remember what I mentioned above earlier? I have learned from a young age to keep my feelings all to myself so the definition of "goodbye" is gone and "sleep" is forever, meaning, "gone forever."
It's time, everyone knows when their time comes. Goodbye.
GamesGroup Match: I was saying the truth, Please stay
H&PEthan: No, I can't bear with this pain anymore.
GamesGroup Match: If you go, I also go
I sign, both me and her know she won't do it, she's just saying it to get me to stay
H&PEthan: So basically you want me to stay just to suffer even more?
GameGroup Match: No, I can help you Ethan!
H&PEthan: What help is there when I don't see any help?
GamesGroup Match: Tell me everything that happened
H&PEthan: My existence.
I really need to go, I want to stop the pain, and I'm going to do it. Thank you for being a sister to me, please stay strong. Goodbye.
This is the final message
I grab the bottle full of pills and pour a small pile into my hand, I have the razor blade next to me, I put the pills in my mouth and swollen them, I grab the razor blade, before I start, I take one last look at my phone. I got a message from Jay
GamesGroup Match: No, please stay
I really can help you!
I love you 3000 Ethan
No matter what you will still be my brother
I ignore it and cut into my wrists, before I know it, everything goes black and I'm hearing a crying and some beeping, but that soon fades away as well. The system is broken, the world is broken, and that is never going to change, never, not even for a small bit.
Dad, Jay, Everyone, thank you and goodbye.