p class="MsoNormal"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"Loneliness is something I can't run away from; rather I forget I have it for a few moments. I distract myself as long as I can but in the end, I'm sitting with my legs crossed falling forward crying. I pray often, I pray in the happy times and in the bad. I scream for God to help me when it hurts/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';",/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" but it doesn't help. I don't always end up happy again. I often wish for happiness, I ask for it every time I have a deciduous eyelash or if I see a shooting star. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" Happiness is as far away as those stars. I couldn't come close with it even if I flung a rock. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" Just as rain washes away at the rocks and makes them pebbles, they plunge down into the ruts of the sand. This is where I am. A rut. Even when I had just met him, a /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"stranger/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" could see all the burdens weighing on me. It's no wonder I have such horrible posture. I can't keep my eyes on what's in front of me, rather, I look behind at what was. I was happy and nobody worried about me, I was the one whom cheered them up, I stayed strong for my friends, I was their boulder, then at some point I'm just carrying the boulder, nobody can hold onto me, I'm wobbling and I often fear I will topple down into the darkness./span/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 21.0000pt; mso-char-indent-count: 0.0000;"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"Somebody once told me to fill the darkness inside me with light. Where is this light? Where is the happiness I seek? I feel…so lonely….I feel so f%^ #% lonely all the time. In those moments when I know I'm going to be alone, I reach out for support, so they can help me. I know what will happen if I succumb to the seclusion, I risk crying for hours, breaking irreplaceable objects, yelling at anyone who comes near me. Many a friendship have I lost in this manner. Not many people can tolerate frequent sob/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"b/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"y phone calls. Few humans can put up with sad texts and a dreary negative attitude about life./span/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 21.0000pt; mso-char-indent-count: 0.0000;"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"I have tried to change my attitude. To think just about the things I need to do and not how I'm feeling. I attempted to implement a schedule into my life and so far I haven't found it useful. I feel tired but I lie in bed unable to enter dreamland. It's as if I'm standing outside the gates and have lost my key to get in. I don't know how to sleep anymore. As I lie still, I find my muscles tensing and myself "letting go" every few minutes. My shoulders are as hard as rocks. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 21.0000pt; mso-char-indent-count: 0.0000;"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"I'm not sure if this is part of the depression or just some horrible feeling I was born with. Through counseling I'm being told I'm not the only one who feels this way. We can be in a crowded room and feel like this. This feeling is what runs my life./span/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 21.0000pt; mso-char-indent-count: 0.0000;"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"I don't have a tremendous amount of friends. Only like 10 or so. The problem is that they're all in Tucson. My last friend in Yuma left for her/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" "church"/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" mission. I think she taught me all she could before she left. It's hard not having a lot of support in person. I will sometimes call everyone in my contacts and then feel neglected and angry when nobody answers. I get angry at others for having a life. Most of the people I talk to are far away. Through emails and letters, I talk to people out of town, state and the country./spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"It was hard to write encouraging letters to others when I'm not so good at feeling it myself. I am attached to my loneliness, like/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';",/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" addicted to it./span/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 21.0000pt; mso-char-indent-count: 0.0000;"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"I went through the normal addictions, like candy and soda, there's the period where you really want it after you go off and your body stops acting normally just to get a taste of it again. I go through with this with loneliness. When I'm with friends supposed to be feeling happy, I can't wait to get away again. I feel crowded and desperate to have a space of my own. It's like I can't think. Hey when I'm alone I'm thinking how sad I am because nobody's there. It's a vicious cycle. I've broken down crying with friends, I've found myself inside public restrooms wiping mascara running down my cheeks. I always leave the comfort of friends, run away, abandon them and have to get out the sadness, it's not fair to them, but it's not fair to me that they have to see it. Then I find myself balanced again and rocking out having fun./span/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 21.0000pt; mso-char-indent-count: 0.0000;"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"I'm uneven at times. I can't hang onto a "normal" mood. Of course nobody is happy all the time. I'm not sad all the time, when I'm hyper, something little sets me off and I plunge down into despair rather quickly. When I cry I can start laughing and then jump into a fit of rage. It's the beginning but I'm finding my thoughts being able to concentrate on one thing. Before I would have about 10 things I'd have to get done, I'd try and do it all at the same time. On /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"$# *^/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" I can find my tasks to be done. For example I will have the following tasks, a letter, study scriptures, 2 books to read, and journaling. Was able to write my letter, study my scriptures, pray and ponder over it, then head to write out my events and feelings of the day. I don't have the most exciting life, it shouldn't keep me awake. Writing has never been a problem, I may get a little scattered but putting something on a page is rather simple for me. I write out whatever has happened, then my feelings. I'm not usually deep or anything. I just say what I feel. Once in awhile it'll be like feeling burdened with all the problems that have occurred in my whole life and the weight is forcing me to topple down. Once I get out a number of thoughts, I try to relax my mind with reading. After I've hit a sufficient number of pages and feel slumber kicking in, I attempt to fall asleep. It usually doesn't work. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" I've been unable to sleep since last summer. I battle chronic boredom. If it weren't for medication I wouldn't have even the little sleep that I do. It's the one place we all have to be by ourselves. In our heads. That's the loneliest place of all! It's the root of everything and I can't /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"dispose /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"of it. Some things are adequate to be done unaccompanied. However, the affliction of having it constantly wrenching me back into a sorrowful place is irritating. If loneliness were a person I could kill it, no, I couldn't. It would be better if loneliness were just a piece of paper I could rip it up and throw it out. Let it go./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" One of my favorite shows is Six Feet Under. The answer to all life seems to be this simple: Let it go. I'm alive, pain isn't worth anything. Of course letting go takes a long time. I'm afraid to be happy I don't know what to do with it. It could be taken away but can't loneliness be stolen as well?/span/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 20.0000pt;"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"I don't know if it's being /spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"%$ */spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';", but I had so many sad spells, I wasted hours and days of my life crying. I used to feel so alone and have to call someone. Now I appreciate these moments by myself. I don't feel all alone like I used to. I don't feel sad. I don't feel exactly happy but I feel alright, enough to say good or great. I'm not angry, when I thought about how often I got upset over nothing that really mattered, and how often I cried over nothing. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 20.0000pt;"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"It feels so amazing /spanstrongemspan style="font-family: Calibri;"not/span/em/strongspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" to cry, cherishing the moments in the quiet instead of hating them and wishing I were somewhere else/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';",/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" with anybody/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';",/spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" other than me./span/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 21.0000pt; mso-char-indent-count: 0.0000;"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"It's only the beginning of progress but I feel so much better. My head is clear and not lost in traffic./spanspan style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" Perhaps now I can toss my rock toward happiness through the loneliness fog. It will land closer than ever to a lucid life liberated from tears. /span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="mso-spacerun: 'yes'; font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';" /span/p