It was quite sad after I found that they have blocked me after only about fifteen minutes of conversation. All I said was that I was boring and was glad that they found interest to talk to me. Perhaps I was being too sad for their taste and they did not want to deal with that. Either way I now lay here without a wink of sleep nor a way headlight to block the fog of my thoughts that seem miles thick.
I am not sure why I always seem to feel this way when I am alone. Mainly the fog of thought seems to appear late in the evening probably due to lack of sleep. I can tell my thoughts to go away easily by mindlessly watching videos on the internet or by playing some random game.
Usually the thoughts will be triggered after I see some couple together or I think of past mistakes that I have made, even the simple song could flare my mind to start racing with thoughts of where I am going in life to simple things why the hell did I spend twenty dollars on a soft pillow. It is always the negative that seeps its way into my thoughts./p
After a while I seem to always land on some of the same thoughts such as why do all the I find all guys attracted ugly to jealousy of friends that have the cutest, kindest, perfect matches. Some of them going off and getting married. The small little voice of the many pipes up and says, "You will find someone someday, you need to focus on yourself, You can't love someone until you love yourself, it only takes time so wait and see."
Ugh, I fucking hate people talking to me about finding a guy like they just know my life. I typically just refrain from questions about me being single if I can. If there is no way to refrain, I just answer back with simple answers that deflect off to another conversation. And do not get me started on people saying that they now a gay guy and that maybe we might hit it off. On what notion other than that we are both gay would they have? Nothing.
Generally after a while of being lost in my thoughts an unexpected embrace warms me. It is the same guy that has been by my side ever since middle school. He has always been a kind of rock. He has always offered guidance to me while I seem to be lost in the dark. Yet when I turn around to look at him, to touch him, to embrace him back, he is not there. He has always been a figment of my imagination that seems to manifest in my reality. I blame him for my lack of being able to find someone. Well I blame him and I blame myself for wanting a specific guy that I have in my mind. I confuse myself when I go back and forth between whose fault it is.