Hi, this is a personal letter for someone I used to love, a sister I lost, or better yet, that decided to lose me. I've recently graduated from college and I have a few pieces of work I wrote that I'd like to publish here. But since I think she still follows this profile, I'd like to give my mute goodbye to her before she blocks me here too. Then I'll proceed with the real fiction I have prepared for the public. I hope she reads it. And I hope the rest of you enjoy the other pieces I'll soon post. Thanks for understanding. ~~A.K.C.


Someday around the beginning of May, 2020

Okay, so I might have the coronavirus. Whatever.

Maybe it's just the side effects of the new medication my psychiatrist gave me because of my recent deep depression. Whatever.

I have to get this out of my chest, so here we go.

This is a story about one last chance. One last chance for you to hear what I have to say, know how I feel, and how I have felt for the last two years. This is a story about how you left me and I'm still here.

This is a story about the ghost you left behind, Catita. And how I'm still haunted to this day.

I hope you read it to the end, because it will be the last time I'll ever try to reach you.

I've written you so many letters, I lost count. Never finished any of them, none sounded right. I've made voice recordings in the middle of the night, sometimes sobbing my heart out to the ghost of you. I've never sent anything, because you don't want to know about me anymore. I still have your address from when we used to send each other birthday gifts, but I never gathered the strength or courage to send you my words.

It's been two years, I should be over you by now. People cry about breakups and write sad love songs, but the truth is that what hurts the most is not the end of a romantic relationship, but the death of a friendship. The end of sisterhood. To be left alone to fend for yourself.

The scars run so deep, because we've known each other since we were basically kids - I know I was one, at least. I've grown a lot since then, but I guess not enough to learn how to get over this.

We've been having rough patches, and honestly, I do understand why you would prefer me out of your life. But here's the thing: what killed me inside was the way you did it.

Just ghosting me, which was something you've always done from a few days to a couple of weeks at a time, and you know so well how much every time you did that, it hurt me and left me messed up - and pissed off, because that's just who I am -, but I honestly never thought you'd do it forever.

I know you weren't well either, you had so many problems, and I truly wish they have gotten better by now, from the bottom of my heart. I know you said it was just your thing, to ghost 'everyone', you had to get away and close yourself from the people around you. Wich, I do get to a point, but you must know that's just not healthy, right?

I've recently found a couple of the letters we wrote to each other while on our last 'fight'. Trying to resolve things. I had it on my google docs for some reason I have no idea. I tagged you in it, hoping to bring you out, hoping to make you see I was still here, and that not that long ago (I mean, two years? At the same time it felt like a second and an eternity) you still cared for me and for our friendship. Was it even just a friendship? You were like my sister. Like blood. And you left and never came back. But now, let's go to some points of those letters I'd like to address, two years of you ghosting me later.

1. The thing about your doctor not letting you do therapy just boggles my mind and seriously makes me mad. He's either an idiot, or you were lying to me, or at least 'embellished' the truth. I don't discard either possibility. But I do hope you got help during this time. You needed it, unless I was the only thing crushing your life and now you're rid off me, it's all perfect.

If that's the case, sorry about trying to reach you, but as I said, it's the last time. And I have looked for help, but the unsaid words keep crushing me, so I'm doing this.

2. You said that it always made you upset to know how many friends I had and that, if our friendship ended, I wouldn't be affected, because I have so many more people around me. That's the wrongest statement ever. As you can see, I'm not over you, not in the slightest. But here's the thing: I accept fully that, if I was being such a burden to you, you should cut me off of your life. I've done that before, and so have you. But also, the way you did was what hurt the most, and the cut still bleeds. No other friend of mine is you, and they'll never be. Accept that, you are unique, and the relationship we had, I've never had and never will have again with anyone else. Our connection through writing was keeping me alive. Ironically, it didn't seem to keep our friendship alive.

3. You said "you would never block me, no matter what happens between us, no matter if you hate me." I'm paraphrasing here, but that's what you said about blocking me. Things changed, I'm guessing. A lot. I know I've never blocked you. I've been absent in times of pain between us, sometimes deactivated my accounts, but NEVER blocked you. Not once. You see, I kept my word.

There were other points, but I honestly don't have the strength right now to reread those letters. If you'd like, I'll add your email back to them in case you'd like to read them and had opted out of them when I added you last time. And, of course, if it's still your email, because after blocking me, I never know what else you did to forget my existence.


May 16, 2020

You HURT me. It hurts so bad. You did this to me. Made me into a shell, that only echoes our past again and again. And you moved on, and I stayed behind. Not a goodbye, not an explanation, not a hint of awareness of my existence or my feelings. You thought I wouldn't miss you, you were disposable, but it turns out I'm the disposable one, and you were the one who had no remorse in discarding me like garbage.

That's what it feels like to be ghosted by your best friend of more than a decade, if you were wondering. Like I'm garbage. Unneeded trash thrown out without a word. That's me. You moved on, and I should too, but you NEVER gave me the words to make that happen. How can I move on when all I can think about is how you didn't need me anymore, and so you disposed of me and went on to live your happy life? This is no way of treating another human being. I must be the worst thing that's ever happened to you, for you to end things up like this.


Somewhere between 16 and 26 of May, 2020

I hate you. Or me. Don't even know anymore. Maybe both. You broke me. You disregarded my feelings.

I HATE YOU

I'm not over you.

A field of tears and full break down later

But I'll get there. Eventually.


May 26, 2020

I just sent you a message from my pet's instagram to your pet's instagram. That's a weird sentence. I guess you forgot to block me there. I have no idea why I did it. I acted on impulse. I might have screwed up the one chance I have of you ever reading all this.

But I'm in shambles. I can't handle this anymore. My therapist says I have to finish this letter so I can start getting over you. But I'm realizing I don't think I'll ever get over you until you give me the minute of the day and just give me a reason. One single reason. That's all I ask.

If I was all bad, or the good didn't outweigh the bad, just tell me. I can take it. What I can't take anymore is this awful deafening silence that you cursed me with. Did I do something so terrible to deserve this?

Do you even still think about me at all?

Because I obviously suck at moving on. Because you were a huge part of my life, of my growing up, you were my friend, my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime and in writing, same thing. You taught me things. You changed my life.

And then you left me to die in the middle of the ocean without a single floating device.

You know I've always used songs to look for meaning in what I'm feeling. Well, I found the perfect one for this situation. It's called Out Loud, by Gabbie Hanna. I think you should take a listen, but if you don't want to, here's the lyrics, with some parts that hit me hard in highlight.


Out Loud

I still taste your presence

Once sweet but it turned sour

Tried to shake your indifference

But it's too late now

I hear you in the quiet

I see you when I'm in the dark

You just couldn't fight for this

But it's not your fault

Say what you mean out loud

Drowning in silence when I'm lost in the crowd

'Cause every sweet thing you'd never speak

It's deafening, never knowin' what could be

Wish I could show you how

But you're just a ghost now

Your laughter haunts me

Like a ringing in my ear

You left me long ago, you're still everywhere

I reach out for you

I'm desperate for your warmth

Can you tell me where we went wrong?

At least tell me just to move on

Say what you mean out loud

Drowning in silence when I'm lost in the crowd

'Cause every sweet thing you'd never speak

It's deafening, never knowin' what could be

Wish I could show you how

But you're just a ghost now

You're just a ghost now

But you're just a ghost, ghost, ghost now

You're just a ghost, ghost, now, now

But you're just a

It's time to let it go, you

Left me all alone, I

Wanna feel your heartbeat but it doesn't beat for me no more, no

It's time to let it go, you

Left me all alone

It's holdin' me down, it's burnin' me out

I'm beggin' for sound but I can't bring you back now

Say what you mean out loud

Drowning in silence when I'm lost in the crowd

'Cause every sweet thing you'd never speak

It's deafening, never knowin' what could be

Wish I could show you how

But you're just a ghost now

You're just a ghost now (it's time to let it go)

But you're just a ghost, ghost now (you left me all alone)

You're just a ghost, ghost now, now (it's time to let it go)

But you're just a ghost now


All I ask of you is a few words. A goodbye. That's all I want. I can't properly move on if you haven't given me the respect of saying something. In every fight, I always told you something, even if it was 'I need a little time'.

Something.

Anything.

That's all I've ever wanted. To be given the same courtesy I've given you.

But if you don't, I can't do anything.

I'm done doing this. I have to learn to stop depending on other people's respect. 'V', from my college, don't know if you remember her. Did the exact same thing four months after you. Knowing how I felt, when I was in the deep of a depression. How cruel can you be not to say a single word and just freeze your friend out of nowhere? No words, no excuses, no goodbyes, no I hate yous, no I love yous, no I can't take it anymores.

No nothing.

Well, I'm giving you something. This is my goodbye. Do with it whatever you want.

Answer it, don't answer it, I can't change who you are.

I do apologize for the ups and downs of this letter, though. It was almost a journal of feelings about you, after so many tries of letters that I've written to you. But I can't try anymore. This is the final one.

I hope you found what you were looking for when you left me behind. And I hope you're happy.

I'm sorry about Bells.

My email and phone number are still the same, in case you do decide to reach out. I'll not ignore you.

This is just the one last try. Because I'm tired, Catita. I'm tired of looking for answers.

But I don't hate you as I said on the day I was having a breakdown. I just can't get over you.

Please help me.

Thank you so much if you read this, I do love you because this kind of thing fades, but never goes away, and…

Goodbye.