Tuesday 7th July 2020, 10:22am
Yes. It's been ages, once again (okay, not as long as it usually is) but I've been doing things so I have a reason! The 13th to the 19th of June, I was just going through the motions and straight up not having a good time. I was very anxious constantly, I also stopped talking to all of my friends because it was making me so anxious, and I was sad because Ella, Daisy, Jordan, Tom and Rhian were all in Swansea and I wasn't. My mum suggested I go; let my dad drop me off in the house and stay there for a week because I think she could tell I was not in a good place. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have gone but there were 6 of us, we were in a house that's ours and we were social distancing with everyone else.
I was there from June 20th to 27th and in that week, we went to the beach loads (swam in the sea!), played footgolf, made weed cookies, did 2 all-nighters filled with drinking and laughter, saw Dylan and Sarah, had a couple of bbqs, had a picnic, etc. Honestly, I needed that. It was amazing.
But now, all I'm doing every day is apply for jobs and do stuff around the house and read. I feel so bad about not really doing much, because Daisy and Ella (who I talk to the most) both managed to get jobs in a pub (where they live isn't as populated - London is fucking filled with people, so there are less jobs to go around, I guess) and also see their friends and shit. I've been going on walks too. I need them. I want to go on one by myself today but I'm going on one with my mum later so I think I'll just wait. I just need to stop feeling guilty about reading a book in a day!
Because I'm doing as much as I can in terms of applying for jobs! And other than keep applying, there's not much else I can do. Reading is something that has always been a passion and I shouldn't let their actions make me feel guilty.
Like, yesterday I told Daisy I listened to an entire audiobook (it was so good) and she was like "wow I've been doing errands all day". The way she wrote it made me feel so guilty, and then, I was going to start reading The Glass Hotel and I was like ooh, I could finish this whole thing today and then I felt so guilty about it! Why should I feel guilty about it? It's something to do, and I'll apply for jobs as well.
Ugh. I just want a job. That's all I want.
Anyway. My friends and I are doing a quiz tomorrow night, and then on Thursday me and Jake are going to Lyn's house. I just feel so shitty, and I have no money which is just perfect. Hate my life and hate everything. I hate that something I've always sought comfort in (reading) was, for a few minutes, something I felt bad about "wasting my time" on. Not that Daisy meant it like that, because I know she didn't. And if she knew it made me feel bad, she would reassure me that she never meant it like that. I wouldn't say that to her anyway, because I know she didn't mean it like that and it's just selfish and dumb to make it about myself when she's going through something awful (actually a lot of awful) with her family.