I'M MARRIED TO A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR!
Meet Jack Weston, from Devon. A delusional 21 year old man who has an obsession with movie star, 29 year old Lily Roberts. She was beautiful, talented and had a great sense of humour.
Jack lived in a world of fantasy where he and Lily were together. They were husband and wife.
In reality, Lily was married to another man, Barron Stack, who produced her movies. Like most celebrity couples, Barron was 10 years older than Lily.
People claim that they're only married for the sake of publicity.
Jack claimed that Barron was an imposter, and when he told people this, they just laughed at him.
"If you're married to Lily, where is your wedding ring?" taunted a co-worker.
"What is she like between the sheets?" taunted another.
Jack was annoyed by the ridicule he was facing at work at the supermarket everyday, he told his boss what was going on.
"Look!" said the always irritated boss. "That's what happens when you claim that you're married to a famous movie star."
"But I AM married to Lily!" protested Jack.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" screamed the boss. "GROW UP! AND STOP ACTING SILLY! GET A REAL GIRLFRIEND!"
The boss was now added to Jack's list of people he hated. And it was a very big list. It also included Barron Stack.
It was a month to the Cannes Film Festival. And Lily had a new movie being shown at the festival.
Jack knew that he had to prove his co-workers and family wrong, and that he WAS married to Lily after all.
Oh, poor stupid Jack…..
But the Cannes Film Festival was not cheap. Where was he to get money? Fortunately, Jack still lived with his parents. He would often steal their credit cards and use it to buy video games and Blu-Rays (unsurprisingly starring Lily Roberts).
The week before the Cannes film Festival, Jack stole the credit cards and went to the ATM machine and got loads of money, £10 thousand.
Now Jack got the money, he needed to get to Exeter Airport and fly to Cannes.
There was a flight to Cannes that very day. So he boarded the flight with no luggage and flew off to Cannes to meet his "wife".
Once he arrived in Mandelieu Airport, he needed to know which hotel Lily Roberts was staying at.
"Excuse me," he asked a random woman behind a counter. "Where is Lily Roberts staying at? I'm her husband."
There was one big problem, Jack couldn't speak French.
The woman just spoke to him in French and Jack was confused.
Seducing Lily Roberts was not as easy as it seemed.
After asking several random people where Lily Roberts was and that he was her husband, one smart ass decided to mess with Jack. He was a fat football hooligan.
"See that hotel over there? That's where all the big names are staying at," lied the smart ass.
But Jack believed it completely. As he walked away convinced, the smart ass and his friend tried very hard not to laugh.
The next step in Jack's plan was to buy Lily a box of chocolates, flowers, condoms and a dildo. As he went to each shop to buy each item, he told the shopkeepers that he was married to Lily.
Being French, the shopkeepers had no idea what he was talking about.
With all the items bought, Jack made his way to the three star hotel.
The smart ass also told Jack that Lily was staying in Room 69.
Jack made his way to Room 69, with confidence off the charts.
He knocked on the door and was expecting the beautiful Lily Roberts to open the door.
The door opened to reveal a very depressed man.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Is Lily in?" asked Jack with a smile on his face.
"Lily who?" asked the man, he had a posh accent.
"Lily Roberts," answered Jack.
The man just stared at him.
"Is this a joke?"
"I heard that Lily Roberts was going to be here," he said. "Are you her assistant?"
The man just stared at Jack.
"No, I'm a journalist," said the man. "My name is Sam Young, I'm going to interview her next week."
"Next week?" asked a surprised Jack. "But the man told me that Lily was staying here."
"What man?" asked Sam.
"The man in the airport," said Jack.
Sam just laughed.
"What are you laughing at?" asked Jack.
"That man was taking the piss out of you," said Sam.
"WHAT?" asked a horrified Jack.
"Look, the big names are not here yet, they'll be here next week," explained Sam.
Jack couldn't believe it.
"But what?" asked Sam.
"Lily….she…..she's my wife…..I….," Jack tried to explain.
"Lily Roberts is your wife?" asked a surprised Sam. "Go away!"
He slammed the door to a defeated Jack.
Jack was outraged. He stormed down to reception.
"YOU THERE!" he snapped at the receptionist. "I DEMAND TO SEE MY WIFE, LILY ROBERTS!"
"Pardon?" asked the confused receptionist.
"I AM JACK WESTON, HUSBAND OF LILY ROBERTS!" Jack barked at her. "I DEMAND TO SEE HERE!"
People at reception started to laugh.
"What is so funny?" asked Jack.
"You're married to Lily Roberts?" asked a man.
"Yes," said Jack.
More laughter ensued.
"If you're married to Lily Roberts, then I'm married to Gal Gadot!" laughed another man.
Jack was surrounded by howls of laughter.
Just then, two police men came in.
"Officers, thank God you made it," said Jack. "Arrest that man at the airport who lied to me!"
Jack was taken to the police station and brought into interrogation.
"Look, I'm telling you, I'm married to Lily Roberts!" snapped Jack, frustrated that he had to explain this over and over.
"Lily Roberts is already married," said the English cop.
"That man is an imposter," explained Jack. "I'M her husband."
"Jack, you are a stalker," said the cop.
"What?" asked Jack.
"You are obsessed with Lily Roberts, and you created this world in your head," explained the cop. "You think you know Lily Roberts but you don't."
"I DO KNOW LILY ROBERTS!" protested Jack. "I KNOW HER FAVOURITE COLOUR IS BLUE, HER FAVOURITE MOVIE IS BAMBI…"
"But you don't KNOW her," said the cop. "Now, here is what's going to happen. We're going to send you back to Devon. You are forbidden to enter France ever again. I could give you a restraining order, but the chance of you actually meeting Lily Roberts is non-existent."
Jack couldn't take it anymore and just threw an almighty tantrum like a child:
"I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH LILY! I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH LILY! I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH LILY! I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH LILY! I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH LILY AND THAT'S FINAL! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
He tried to flip the table over, but the bottom of the legs were screwed to the ground. So he picked up the chair instead and tried to chuck it at the cop. But it was too heavy for him, so he just put it back on the floor.
The cop had enough.
Jack was taken back to the airport, by the police. They were holding onto his arm like a teacher punishing a child.
They walked past the fat football hooligan and his mates.
"Oi, did you shag Lily then?"
And they all burst into their shite laughing. Jack was humiliated.
The police got on the plane with Jack and it took him home.
The police had called his parents and told him what happened.
His parents met him at the airport and they were furious.
"YOU STOLE ALL THE MONEY IN OUR BANK ACCOUNTS!"
Because there was no money left in their bank accounts, Jack's parents had to work two jobs.
Jack's strange tale made it on the news, and Jack was not only the town laughing stock, but also the world's laughing stock.
Comedians all over the world made fun of him.
Jack was never so low.
But a fortnight later, something incredible happened. One YouTube, he watched an interview with Lily at Cannes. She was asked about Jack trying to stalk her.
"Well, wherever this Jack is now, I hope he learned his lesson. I've had mental health issues myself, and I really hope he gets better."
Jack smiled. The first time he smiled in a fortnight. He got recognition from his favourite star.
That was all he ever wanted.