Every single day, you find a reason to criticize me. Every insignificant thing, from the way I dress, the way I talk, what I say and don't say, you will pick at it and deride me for my "flaws". It seems the single act of existing and being myself is enough to make you express your displeasure. Can I not be myself in my own house? With my own family?
You almost seem to delight in dredging up old painful memories, memories I have forgotten, memories I have shoved away to the deepest darkest part of my mind. You claim to love and care for me, yet you do not hesitate to hurt me in this manner. You criticize me for being bullied as a child, calling me dumb for not speaking up about being bullied. I would never let myself be bullied like that now, so why do you bring up these memories? What purpose does it serve?
It feels like every day I'm being attacked, and it feels like I'm walking into a danger zone every time I leave the comfort and safety of my room. I feel as if I constantly have to be on high alert and be aware of your moods so that I can act and behave appropriately for you. While you can express emotions like anger and irritation, I can never behave that way in this house. I constantly have to hide my emotions underneath a mask, until I cannot take it anymore and explode in a storm of fury.
I could be having a nice and peaceful day, but then you come in like a storm and hurl insults at me, complaining about my behavior and personality. Your vocabulary of insults almost always contain the words "selfish" and "stupid". From the time I was a child, those words have always been your favorite go-to insults. Is it any wonder I have such low self-esteem, when day after day, somebody tells me how dumb and selfish I am? Even if I didn't believe it, having those words repeated to you for so many years would somehow sink in and make you believe it's true.
You believe that screaming at me and insulting me will make me change my behavior and fix my flaws. Believe me, no one is more aware of my flaws than I am. Why do you feel the need to constantly point it out? Don't you know how much of a struggle it is for me just to interact with people? All these years, I have been barely keeping my head above the water, and yet you dismiss my struggles as if they were insignificant. You know very well how hard it is for me to speak to people, and though you attributed it to a simple fear instead of social anxiety, you still scold me for being a "child" and compare me to other more well-adjusted people my age.
I confide in you, and you only use it as an opportunity to criticize and insult me. All I needed was a listening ear, someone who wouldn't judge and lend me support. But I never found that in you or anybody else. However, you never had any issue ranting about your problems to me, complaining about how stressful you are, and dumping all your emotions on me. When I'm not supportive of your problems or offer any solutions to them, you scold me for being so selfish. Maybe I would have supportive once, and for someone I cared about, but I have become so apathetic to everything and everyone that I cannot find the will to care about you anymore.
Even after all this, you still demand me to show you respect. How can I show respect to someone who has not done anything to earn it? To someone who has not shown any respect to me and my privacy? No, I cannot show respect and love to someone like you. Any love I ever felt for you has evaporated entirely. You find new reasons to criticize me every day, unknowingly giving me new reasons to hate you.