"Welcome, everyone, to I Dare You, Sector 477's favorite game show! I'm your host, the Producer. Before we introduce our contestants, first, let's explain the rules. There are nine contestants, known as Players One through Nine, and fifteen rounds. Each round lasts anywhere from five seconds to one minute. The amount of money per round starts at $1, and increases each round until the final challenge, which has a grand prize of $1 billion. Yes, you heard me right. Sitting in this huge duffel bag is $1,000,000,000, with nine zeros after the one. But winning won't be that easy. No, no, no. You see, in this game, elimination means death. Either you win or you die. There is no middle ground. And it is possible for nobody to win, but that's never happened before. But don't worry, because all the money the losing Players have earned will be delivered to their families posthumously. Just kidding! What are we, a charity?! But in all seriousness, there is no tax on income earned from participating in a game show, so need to worry about that. All the Players have signed waivers, and are well aware of the risks associated with participating in this event. Now to address some other matters at hand. This show allows and encourages audience participation, meaning that at any time in between a challenge or a Player's turn at a challenge, the audience can say or do whatever they want to a Player. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, is forbidden, everything is permitted. We also have a three strikes system. By this, I mean that there are certain things that Players are prohibited from doing while playing I Dare You. If a Player violates a rule, they will get a strike. The first strike is just a warning. The second strike is a kick in the nuts, or in the case of our female contestant, a punch to the tit. And the third strike is doing the walk of shame and getting their throat slit by yours truly. And now, without further ado, let's introduce our contestants!"
"Player One is Darran Amadi, a five-foot-five, hairy, badass looking dude who is currently unemployed. In his spare time, he enjoys doing drugs, listening to rock music, such as songs by Green Day and Lostprophets, and gambling. Player Two is Ian Karslake, five feet ten inches, with multiple tattoos and wearing a denim shirt with a white collar. He works at a music store. In his spare time, he writes songs, has sex with girls, also does drugs, and operates a babysitting business. Player Three is Dick Hu, five feet eight inches with squinty eyes and wearing Crocs. He works as an engineer. In his spare time, he likes reading books and textbooks, solving complex mathematical and scientific equations, tutoring children, and cleaning his house. Player Four is Jace Watkins, six feet five inches, and wearing a muscle short and workout shorts. He works as a personal trainer. In his spare time, he plays football, watches television, and works out. Player Five is Lee Reynolds, five feet four inches, and wearing a white shirt with a black leather jacket. He owns a coffee shop. In his spare time, he plays the guitar, makes candles, draws, and practices baking and cooking. Player Six is Braedon West, five feet seven inches with dyslexia. He works as a playwright. In his spare time, he listens to rap music, reads and writes comic books, browses Reddit, and looks up offensive jokes. Player Seven is Jeffrey Lincoln, the same height as Player Two, kind of looks like a pedophile, is autistic and slightly overweight with no friends, and always has unmade and unkempt hair when he's not working. He is currently unemployed, and the only place he's ever worked is a fast food restaurant, where he couldn't even find the fajita veggies. In his spare time, he watches television, takes care of his elderly father, never masturbates, never watches pornography, never has sex or a girlfriend, and that's pretty much it, other than constantly thinking about killing himself. Player Eight is Gregory Stanfield, but he goes by Greg or Stanley. He's the same height as Player Two and Player Seven, and he's wearing a button-up dress shirt tucked into his pants, with the first two buttons open, because the shirt is too tight for someone as large as him. He works as a janitor, dishwasher, and car washer. In his spare time, he unsuccessfully applies for higher-paying jobs, drowns his sorrows in alcohol, watches gay porn, walks his dog, and collects stamps. Player Nine is Devon Kirkpatrick, five feet three inches with blond hair, and wearing a black blouse, dark blue jeans, and a pair of cross earrings. The only reason she's here is because she threatened to sue us for gender discrimination if we didn't let her on the show. She is currently unemployed. In her spare time, she trains and rides horses, makes sculptures, and listens to all kinds of music."
"Now let's talk about the reasons why these contestants have decided to take on our show, and what's motivating them to win the grand prize. Player One's brother has recently been kidnapped by the yakuza, and his ransom is $1 billion. Player Two is doing this out of boredom, to be on television, for the thrill of it, and in his words, "for the mega lolz." Player Three is doing this to provide for his impoverished family, and to start a different type of educational system. Player Four is in it for the money, unsurprisingly, and only wants to be filthy rich. Player Five is doing this for his wife. Player Six wants to make a rock opera, a musical, and start his own comic book company. Player Seven is doing this because he wants to die, but doesn't have the courage to kill himself. Player Eight is doing this, so he doesn't have to work another day in his life, because he's sick and tired of working, and so he can start his own porn production company. Player Nine is doing this to fund a campaign for animal rights, suicide prevention, mental health awareness, human rights, gender equality, gang violence, violence towards women, substance and alcohol abuse, unemployment and homelessness. Now that we understand why everyone's here, let the game commence!"
The first round was twenty seconds per Player, and the prize was $1. Everyone had to insult a person starring on the show, no matter how big or small the insult, and a Player could not be insulted more than once. Player One called Player Two an arrogant twat, Player Two called Player One a midget Chewbacca junkie, Player Three called Player Four a selfish piece of shit, Player Four called Player Three a squinty-eyed gook with a calculator up his ass, Player Five called Player Eight a fat and lazy bastard and told him to eat a salad, Player Six called himself an illiterate fuck, as insulting oneself was not against the rules, Player Seven refrained from insults, until twelve seconds had passed and the Producer told him that he would die if he didn't insult someone soon, at which point he called the Producer a goddamn idiot and said that he wanted to die, which counted, because the Producer was the host, Player Eight called Player Nine a member of the inferior sex and only good for fucking and giving babies, and Player Nine called the audience barbaric, primitive, uncivilized, and a bunch of Neanderthals for considering the show entertainment, which counted, as the audience could be seen on television, and they were allowed to participate.
The second round was forty-five seconds, and the prize was $100. Everyone had to either eat a piece of dog food or get their nipples twisted by the Producer, and everyone chose one or the other, except for Player Seven, who was promptly shot in the head by the Producer after the round was over. The third round was five seconds, and the prize was $1,000. Everyone had to make at least a half-inch cut on their wrist with a pocket knife, but Player Four was a hemophiliac and cut a whole inch-and-a-half. He tried to stop the bleeding, but it didn't work, so he began hyperventilating, causing him to lose blood faster. Then he realized that he was screwed, so he took the knife and plunged it into his heart four times, dying less than ten seconds later.
The fourth round was twenty seconds per Player, and the prize was $10,000. The Producer got to strangle each Player with both hands for the duration of the challenge, and everyone survived, as was intended, but Player Nine almost passed out. The fifth round was one minute, and the prize was $69,000. Each Player had to eat a piece of human excrement in the size and shape of a donut hole, which had a filling made of diarrhea and vomit. Everyone reluctantly did, but at the beginning of the round, Player Five threw his piece at Player Nine, and told her that this was her favorite challenge. After the round was over, the Producer called out strike one for assaulting another Player.
The sixth round was twenty-nine seconds, and the prize was $100,000. Each Player had to sever one of their pinky fingers from their hands without anesthesia. Everyone did this, except for Player Three, who said that he'll get the money some other way and tried to escape, but there was a muscular guard with a machete at each of the five doors preventing him from leaving. He tried to convince one to let him out, but the goons were armed, much bigger than him, and they wouldn't budge. After the challenge, the Producer sicced his dogs on Player Three, and they started tearing him from limb to limb. Thirty seconds later, the Producer shot him dead in a mercy killing. "Holy shit, you fucking psychopath!" Player Five exclaimed. The Producer called out strike two for cursing at another Player, the host, or the audience without permission or adequate provocation, and kicked Player Five in the groin, causing him to fall to the ground in pain.
The seventh round was ten seconds per Player, and the prize was $1,000,000. Everyone had to perform oral sex on the Producer, and they did, but Player Five used his tongue instead of taking at least half of the Producer's organ in his mouth, which was considered cheating. The Producer called out strike three, and said that it was time for the walk of shame. He stripped Player Five naked, then forced him to walk laps around the stage at gunpoint for exactly three minutes, while the audience threw out insults and pelted him with used and unused condoms, feces, syringes, and glass bottles, booing and jeering him. After his humiliation, the Producer stood behind Player Five and pulled a serrated blade from his sheath to show the audience, causing them to cheer uproariously.
Player Five turned around, and immediately started begging on his knees for the Producer not to kill him, promising him the best oral sex he'd ever had in exchange for his life. The Producer ignored his pleas, turned him around, and started sawing through his throat. Player Five tried to stand up and began swinging his fists at his assailant, but the Producer grabbed his scalp and continued sawing. Thick, hot blood stained the Producer's fingers, and soon, the blade started to grate against bone, but the Producer wasn't satisfied. He kept on sawing until he held the severed head of Player Five in his hand, blood dripping from the open wound, then threw it into the audience, who proceeded to stomp it into a mess of blood and brains. Player Two laughed and said that Player Five performing oral sex on the Producer reminded him of when he did the same thing to a one-year-old, and the audience pulled him off the stage and brutalized him, until all that was left remaining was a bloody pulp.
The eighth round was one minute, and the prize was $5,000,000. The Producer brought out a revolver with six chambers and one bullet, and everyone, including himself and a volunteer from the audience who signed a waiver, took turns putting it to their head and pulling the trigger. If the audience member survived, they would get to keep the $5,000,000 without having to do any more challenges. The Producer wasn't playing for money. At the end of the round, the Producer and all four remaining Players were alive, but the audience member's brains had been blown out and were leaking onto the floor.
The ninth round was fifty-five seconds per Player, and the prize was $6,900,000. Each Player had to use a hacksaw to dismember a limb from Player Seven's corpse, use a knife to disembowel a different part of him, grab a handful of his internal organs, smear them over their face, stick their tongue out and give two thumbs up. Everyone squeamishly did. The tenth round was one minute per Player, and the prize was $13,500,000. The Producer submerged each Player's head in a fish tank filled with blood until time was up, but Player Six was talking about how bad he was at holding his breath when the round started, causing his lungs to fill with blood through his open mouth, drowning him.
The eleventh round was ten seconds per Player, and the prize was $29,000,000. There were four buttons, and each Player had to choose which one to press. No Player could press the same button twice, and if the wrong button was pressed, a trapdoor would open, causing the Player to be impaled by a pit of spikes. After the round was over, everyone had survived. The twelfth round was thirty seconds per Player, and the prize was $333,333,333. Each Player had to microwave one of the Producer's dogs to death, but Player Eight couldn't hurt a dog, as his dog was his only companion and it meant everything to him, so the Producer shot him in the chest.
The thirteenth round was fifteen seconds per Player, and the prize was $666,666,666. Each Player had to shoot themselves in the arm, and both of them did just that, with less than three seconds remaining on the clock. The fourteenth round was ten seconds per Player, and the prize was $999,999,999. Each Player had to light themselves on fire, and remain that way for the whole ten seconds, before jumping into the kiddie pool on the stage, and they did.
To make it to the final round, Player One and Player Nine had to complete several challenges, which they did not receive money for, but these were timed and untimed and each Player took turns. These challenges were always the same in every game of I Dare You. First, they had to extract two of their wisdom teeth and two of their canines, using a pair of pliers to remove any two teeth, and a claw hammer to remove the other two. They could decide which teeth were pulled with which instrument, and they could pull their teeth in any order. Next, they had to place one hand on a hot stove for three seconds, and the other on a hot iron for the same length of time. Then they had to drink a soda can filled with the Producer's urine. Each Player was tased, pepper sprayed, burnt with three cigarettes, waterboarded for thirty seconds, forced to let the Producer fondle their unclothed genitals for twenty seconds, lashed five times with a whip, bitten by a dog, cat, and rat, fed dog and horse meat, forced to eat a Carolina Reaper pepper without water, milk, or drink, backhand slapped ten times, punched in the face, forced to drink menstrual blood, forced to put their nose in a mouse trap, forced to kiss each other and the Producer for five seconds, forced to lick the Producer's armpit hair for three seconds, forced to take a big bite out of a bar of soap and eat it, shot in the back with a paintball gun, pied in the face while wearing a clown nose, curly rainbow wig, clown gloves, clown shoes, and a dunce hat, hit in the chest with a dodgeball, headbutted and had one of their feet stomped on by the Producer, forced to eat a cockroach and a tarantula, forced to eat a tablespoon of wasabi, forced to eat an Oreo with toothpaste filling, forced to eat a handful of maggots, and forced to eat a cow eyeball, testicle, and a bull penis, all covered in semen.
"Alright, everyone! It is now time for the fifteenth and final round!" the Producer announced. "We are playing for the grand prize of $1 billion! This round is always the same in every game. Each Player has twenty seconds to give a speech about why they want to win. Now, for the audience, if you'll look under your seats, you'll find a button, and when that button is pushed, it causes a secret compartment to open and a pistol to drop. If at any point, you don't like what a Player is saying, feel free to turn the safety off, and do what people usually do with guns. If both Players are still alive and have not been shot after the speeches have been given, the audience will get to choose which Player they want me to kill. If that is the case, whichever Player receives the most applause when I call their name will die. If a decision cannot be made, or if each Player receives equal applause, the Players will play rock-paper-scissors until there is a victor, and whoever loses shall forfeit their life. If there is not a winner within ten rounds, I will think of a number between 1 and 100 in my head, and whoever guesses the closest will get to keep their life. It will not be 69. If by some unfortunate coincidence, both Players guess the same number or their guesses are both the closest guess to mine, such as if they guess 21 and 81, and my number is 51, they will play nine rounds of tic-tac-toe, and if there is still no victor, they will each get $500,000,000, but that's never happened in the history of this show. If a Player has been shot, but not killed before or at the time the twenty seconds are up, they are considered to have lost, and I will finish them off. So basically, whoever gets shot first is the loser. Sucks to be them. Now to begin. Player One, your time starts… now."
"Thirteen years ago, when I was only eight years old, my parents died, leaving just me and my younger brother. He's all that I have, I love him more than anything, and he means the world to me. Ever since he got caught up with the yakuza, I've been worried sick about him, and now that he's been kidnapped, my fears have come true. If something happened to him, I'd probably kill myself. He was just a young, desperate, and impressionable kid. Thank you for listening and I hope that you'll make the right decision." "Now that we've heard Player One, Player Nine, your time starts… now."
"The reason I want to win I Dare You is so that I can finance a campaign for several issues that mean a lot to me and that directly affect Sector 477. These issues include animal rights, suicide prevention, mental health awareness, human rights, gang violence, violence towards women, substance and alcohol abuse, gender equality-" A gunshot rang out, and Player Nine died two seconds before the end of the final challenge.
"Congratulations! We have our winner! Player One, you have just won I Dare You, and the grand prize of $1 billion! But before you can take home the money, you'll have to complete the bonus round." "Bonus round? In the contract I signed, it never mentioned anything about a bonus round. It just said that there were fifteen rounds, after which the winner would receive the grand prize. And technically, the challenges in between round fourteen and the final round were all one big bonus round. And also, how exactly can there be a bonus round, if everyone else is dead?" "Yes, but $1 billion is an extremely huge sum of money, and all you have to do is defeat my henchmen, who are guarding the doors. I mean, did you seriously think we would give away all that money so easily?"
"Easily?!" Player One exclaimed. "Easily?! I had to be insulted about my height, amount of body hair and use of drugs, eat dog food, cut my wrist with a pocket knife like someone that's suicidal, have your awful smelling hands clenched around my neck, eat a donut hole made of shit and vomit in front of a live audience and on television, cut the pinkie finger on my left hand off, take your disgusting, horrific, abominable and shit-smelling organ in my mouth for ten seconds far too long in front of a live audience, and again, on television, play a game of Russian roulette, dismember and disembowel a corpse, besmirch my handsome face with its internal organs, and make a pose that suggested I liked it, almost drown in a fish tank filled with blood, have a twenty-five percent chance of impaling myself on a pit of spikes, torture a dog to death, shoot myself in the arm, set myself on fire, extract four of my own teeth, burn my hands, drink your piss-flavored soda, get tased, pepper sprayed, burnt with cigarettes, waterboarded, forced to strip naked and get a hand job from you in front of a live audience with everyone laughing at me, and once again, ON TELEVISION, whipped like a slave, bitten by three animals, forced to eat dog and horse meat, forced to eat one of the hottest peppers in existence without anything to drink, backhand bitch slapped ten times, punched in the fucking face, forced to drink period blood, forced to put my nose in a mouse trap, forced to kiss Player Nine, although I didn't really mind, but she probably didn't want to kiss me, let's be honest, and forced to kiss you, the latter being complete humiliation, and I'm saying this for the fourth goddamn time, in front of a live audience and ON FUCKING TELEVISION, forced to lick your armpit hair for three seconds too long, yet again, humiliated for the fifth goddamn motherfucking time in front of a live audience and on ASSHOLE STATION TELEVISION, forced to eat a big chunk of soap like my mommy used to make me do for having a potty mouth, but you're not my fucking mother, shot in the back with a paintball that hurt like fuck, pied in the face while dressed like a fucking imbecile, and from now on, I'm not even going to mention the fact that all this was taking place in front of you-know-who, and on you-know-what, pummeled in the chest with a dodgeball, which knocked the wind out of me, headbutted and had my foot stomped on, forced to eat a cock… roach and tarantula, forced to eat disgusting wasabi, a fucking toothpaste Oreo, faggots, sorry, maggots, a cow eyeball, testicle, and bull cock, all three of which were covered in semen, witness and be indirectly responsible for nine deaths, including seven murders, four of those being brutal, one suicide, and one gory manslaughter, since if I was not Player One, Players Two through Nine and the audience member might still be alive. In fact, you committed five of those murders yourself, incited the other two, and provided the weapon used in one of those murders, provided the weapon used in Player Four's suicide, and are responsible for the manslaughter of the audience member, so you and your show are the reason why everyone's dead. If it weren't for the waivers that everyone signed, you would be spending the rest of your life behind bars for, at the very least, five counts of second degree murder and one count of involuntary manslaughter." "I think it's time we cut for commercial," the Producer sheepishly replied. "You know what, everyone, go home for the night. Except you, henchmen."
The henchmen stepped away from the doors, and everyone left. Player One realized that he had come too far, seen too many things, and been through too many horrors to let some lying, backstabbing, piece of shit scumbag deprive him of his hard-earned and undeniably well-deserved money. If the money was just for him, he would be angry, but since it was the only way to save his brother, and the Producer was standing in the way of that, he was furious. "I'm going to give you one last chance, Producer. Either hand over my money right now, or you'll regret it for the rest of your miserable life." The Producer scoffed. "Oh, yeah, shrimp? What are you gonna do about it? You're just a scrawny little kid, and I'm a grown man. You're nothing. You're no one."
Player One flew into a state of murderous rage. Breathing heavily and with a wild look in his eyes, he quickly paced over to the chairs where the audience was sitting, retrieved a pistol, and turned the safety off. "Guards!" the Producer yelled. "Shut up!" Player One screamed, pointing the gun at his head. He climbed up the steps to the stage, produced a rock the size of his hand from the fish tank, and walked over to his victim. He pressed the fingers on his right hand against each other, then thrust them full force against the Producer's throat, causing him to choke. He took the knife from the Producer's sheath and started stabbing him in the back. He struck the Producer on the back of the head with the rock, causing him to fall over. Then he grabbed the Producer's hair and started smashing his head into the rock, caving his skull in. He flipped him over, spat in his eye, and shot him three times for good measure.
The Producer's dogs started eating his corpse, but when his heart was exposed, Player One retrieved it. The dogs started fighting him for the organ like it was a scrap of meat, but he killed any mutts that wrestled with him. Then Player One did unspeakable things to the remaining canines, but put them out of their misery shortly afterwards. He bit out a piece of the heart to make it symmetrical, swallowed it, and shoved the rest in his pocket. He threw the gun to the side, since when he was shooting the Producer, no bullets were discharged when he pulled the trigger for the fourth time, and he was pretty sure he could handle the henchmen if they attacked him. It also didn't help that the gun was now useless, unless he wanted to pistol whip a crony to their death. Player One walked over to the duffel bag, and as soon as he started moving it, the mooks attacked.
A hired muscle charged at him with a machete, and he easily dodged out of the way, picking up the Producer's knife while running away. He charged at him again, but Player One threw the blade, causing it to impale itself in his head. Another goon raised his machete like he was about to attack, but instead used it to cut his throat so swift and deeply that it caused his head to fall to one side and his body to fall to the other simultaneously. The third minion set himself on fire, and the fourth flunkie picked up a gun from a chair, but instead of pointing it at Player One, he turned the safety off and shot himself through the left eye.
Only one henchman remained.