"Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 4459 reporting for duty, sir!" call the baby viruses hatching around me. I've just hijacked a human body, destroyed it's cells, and multiplied my viruses. All in around 2 days. I survey the faces of the young viruses, eager to start some mischief. I grin.
We start attacking the body and temperature heats up. The human starts coughing, spluttering, and wheezing. His body temperature goes up in an attempt to get rid of us, but we know when to accept defeat.
"It's time to spread. Hopefully he leaves his quarantine soon," reports Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 4478.
"We need him to cough us out onto a doorknob, or a light switch, or a handle, or a living organism ideally," I respond as the human starts getting muscle-ache and blacking out.
"Yes, sir!" Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 4891 pipes up.
"Or sneeze!" pipes up Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 4988.
We have been controlling the world lately. A few tiny little viruses can take over the world. Humans are in their homes, we're getting them sick, it's bliss. Of course, the rogue Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 1028 thinks that we are being rude to humans. He's dead on a tree somewhere now. Just goes to show that little things have just as much potential as big things.
"Bad news!" reports the same lieutenant who said it was time to spread. "The human is getting treatment. He is going to the hospital. He has been put on a ventilator, and is consuming much poison!"
Our poison is what humans call "medicine". It kills us when they consume poison, or in their words, medicine. I grit my teeth. "They think they can get the better of us, do they? THEY CAN'T! Advance and continue. Fight the medicine. Win over. This human should not survive."
My troop starts destroying cells in the body and frantically racing around. Temperature raises and a few of our lieutenants die out.
"Close the oxygen!" I scream. "Do NOT let this human breathe. Black him out. Do what you must!"
Angrily, my troop blocks the pipe. Air isn't coming through, but that's what the ventilator is for.
The human's nose tingles. "You know what this means!" I exclaim, as a few more of my lieutenants die out with the medicine coming down. "Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenants 3500-4388, jump into the nose. Sneeze out. NOW!"
As chaos is breaking loose inside the human's body, I sit in the neck, feeling satisfied. We have taken over the world. We have caused more than a few events. Stores, restaurants, pubs, events, schools, offices, and huge industrial incorporations have shut down. We have closed down events which haven't ever been closed down. We have taken over bodies… many of them died. We're in every corner of the world, in every state of the US, in almost every country in the world. Everyone in the world knows us as 'the coronavirus'. We rule the world.
Yeah, it sounds like a perfect holiday. It took a lot of work to do this, but now I'm so glad. It took some planning, work, and a lot of luck, but I'd like to give kudos to that bat. He did exactly what we'd asked. It took around a few years to get this planned out, we expected it to launch in 2022.
But these humans are fantastic! They don't wash hands, they go to each other's houses, they eat animals, they hug, they stick their hand in their mouth, eat boogers...we thought they'd learn from the Ebola epidemic (EbolaVirus 3278 was the commander of that one, he was my great friend), but they clearly didn't. That's fantastic!
So our virus launched two years early. We know a vaccine will be invented of course, but in the meantime we will create as much havoc as possible.
"Come on," I shout. "We need to infect the next batch of humans!"
The wonderful thing about us viruses is that we spread out. Instead of a thousand viruses infecting a human body, one virus infects a human cell. That cell then turns into a virus, and we slowly take over the humans. This way, we can attack a thousand humans at a time.
Of course, there are millions of billions of us. We can take over a huge number of bodies at once, but the catch is that we die easily too. If we are on surfaces that we can't infect for more than two days, then we suddenly vanish. As a Major, I get to make the calls on which humans to infect. We mainly infect humans who are likely to pass it on to others. That's how we grow.
In this fashion, I have met a million dumb, stupid humans who think it's funny to go to parties when they have Sars-Cov-2. Us. We absolutely love parties. There's so much sharing and hugging and touching. Parties are the best venues for us to spread.
"Sir? How did Sars-Cov-2 begin?" asks Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 6928.
"It doesn't matter how this particular one began, Lieutenant. It matters on how we can take lessons and recreate this in the future. EbolaVirus 3278, ZikaVirus 1983, and Sars-Cov (the first SARS) 0347 taught us valuable lessons. Humans never seem to change," I respond.
"Agreed, sir," adds Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 7034. "They still have all of their gross habits. They don't learn from the previous viruses."
I nod. "That's why the next time a virus comes into existence, it could create an outbreak as bad or worse than this one. We are the superior, and we shall triumph!"
The human we're in starts coughing. "That's our cue!" I shout, and we all join the next cough and barrel out of the human, onto his hand.
"Now we wait until someone touches us," I whisper. According to Life Hacks- Virus Edition, a hand has always been the best spot to linger. Humans touch pretty much everything with their hands. I explain to the Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenants about the dangers of the newly acclaimed substance called hand sanitizer. Humans think that it is great because it kills viruses. Unfortunately, it does. We have to make a dash for human contact before he uses a squirt of it from the bottle on the nearby table.
"We need the woman over there to touch his hand," I whisper to the Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenants, indicating the nurse in the corner.
"Before this man uses hand sanitizer," asserts Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 7034.
"Or soap," I add.
"Or bubbles," pitches in Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 7198.
"Bubbles? You fool!" I snap. "Bubbles cannot kill us - unless they pop on our heads, since they are made of soap. Duck and cover!"
The man goes to take hand sanitizer.
"No!" I shout. "Bad man!" I whack his hand, but I doubt he feels anything. "NOO!"
The doctor, wearing gloves, opens the hand sanitizer for him.
"Enough with the bubbles," I snap sharply. "Let's figure out…"
The doctor throws the gloves in the trash can.
"I DON'T CARE about the bubbles!" I scream. "We have to figure out something with the hand sanitizer."
"It doesn't kill all of us like soap and warm water does," corrects Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 7198.
"Oh will you shut up?" we all cry. "Just. Be. Quiet!"
We all turn to the sky.
"Isn't the man using hand sanitizer?" I demand.
"No, the doctor is," corrects Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 7198.
"Don't be such a smarty, smarty," I snap. "The doctor is using the hand sanitizer. So why is the man…"
"WE'RE IN THE SINK!"
"Why do you keep saying bubbles?" I ask wearily. "The warm water and soap is coming. Troop, find a way out of here!" I don't want to give up, but I know it's a lost cause.
"We can't," corrects Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 7198.
"WHY?" I cry. "WHY? HMM? It's our only chance."
"It's in one of The 5 Things Viruses Cannot (Sadly) Do - Sars-Cov-2 Edition. So no, we can't."
"Okay," I say, defeated.
"Here come the bubbles."
I look up, and bubbles rain down on us. Suddenly, the man touches the tap and I have an inspiration.
"We have to jump to the man's hand!" I shout. "3… 2… 1… JUMP!"
As many Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenants as possible jump onto the man's hand, including me. I can't help but feel bad that so many of our loyal viruses are trapped in the sink below, but this is our mission. We have to sacrifice ourselves for the greater bad. Our mission is to spread Sars-Cov-2 around the world.
"What's next, sir?" asks Sars-Cov-2 Lieutenant 9794.
"To the tap handle," I cry, and we all jump onto the handle and lurk there for the next unsuspecting person to touch it.
We know the humans hate us. They think we're trying to cause havoc. The truth is, we are. We are born to serve the disease, our common mission. As a Sars-Cov-2 General, I have more power than the Lieutenants, which puts me in charge. I started this virus, and I couldn't be more pleased about how well it's turning out. For now, we have total control.