My beautiful ISTP,
We are an ode to Newton's third law of motion: you balance me perfectly, and ground me in your solidarity. I am endlessly flawed by your innocent beauty and gentle heart. Although you are intensely private, the glimpses you afford me into your secret world are extraordinary. You've got this beautiful, compassionate soul hidden within your emotional vault.
You've always accepted my oddities amidst your endless frustration. I know you love me so deeply in your quiet way, though it would wound you to let this shimmer above your skin. You see things in such an analytical way; psychologically deconstructing and reconstructing the structures before you. Your curious mind is beauty in and of itself.
I know how difficult it was for you to let me into your antechamber. Your beautiful heart still bore the scars of your previous betrayals. But I love you so completely and unconditionally, I could never betray your sensitive soul. I love you as a bird relishes it's flight. I yearn for you as the leaves that part from the tree. I die in you as every second fades into time.
You know me, more than the leaves know the sun. I turn my face to your warmth, and I shine under you. You experience me, deeper than religion and a faceless deity. I expose my secret darkness, and I'm engulfed by your light. You captivate me, like the endless tide pulling at the grains of time. I'm immersed in your world, and baptised in your limitless love.
Your inner world is a privilege to love and be loved by. I could dive through your soul, like a bird descending through weightless air. Falling forever, embraced by the invisible currents.
I cannot bear to let you go. You are my heart, my soul, my best friend, my lover and my conscience. The pain is crippling, visceral, and surreal. With the loss of us, a part of my fractured heart goes with you. I only wish we'd grown together, inosculated, towards the sky of eternity. I have to free you, so that we can grow healthily. Perhaps, we diverge now, but converge in another time. Perhaps, we just met in the wrong time. I've always felt like you were fated for me, in some nameless way.
I wish I could show you all of the colours I see in the world, but you are not ready. I exist above this infrastructure, and you are bound by it. This is the hardest pain of all, because the wound is without a weapon. The suffering simmers beneath the skin, unbroken by betrayal, or anger, or consequence. It is invisible, and it's tempting to question if it exists at all, as it has no form. But we feel it, and we breathe it, and we bleed it.
It hurts, and maybe that's why my body is exsanguinating. I can already see you, feel you, barricading yourself away from me and from our bond. You are searching for a way to resent me, hate me, forget me, so you can evade this inexorable agony we are both painted with. It penetrates deeper than any knife. It's more piercing than any words. And I find now my words feel damaging, and I'm frightened to wound you further. I see you, and I understand you, and I'll support you in your exorcism of me. But a part of me dies, too.
I've been so incredibly blessed to share this part of my life with you, and to be gifted with yours in return. You are the centre of my universe, the deity of my religion, the soul of my now bloodless shell. I'd hoped we'd be gemels through life, bound forever in a parallel journey. I love you, more than humanly possible. It's through this endless love that my soul will be forever bound to yours. Perhaps purgatory is to grow apart. To love, but be unable to live in that love. And I feel so, inescapably, responsible for our divergence.
I yearn to melt a mask to my face, change my texture, change my very being to follow you. I burn to reach back and take your hand, lift you up, hold you and guide you forwards by my side. But I learn, these things I want I cannot keep, and I can't change you or I. We are fixed, and we are mutable, in very separate ways.
I am so deeply, profoundly sorry that I cannot change me. If I was gifted with the power, I would move the fabric of existence for you.
You are the gift of my life, Bec, and I wish my life was on a different path to what it is right now. My love for you will stretch the expanse of time, and subsist in the void of forever.
Love completely and irremediably,