A Journey into the Realm of Complete Bollocks

Nice Guy Dave

My name is Dave, most call me nice guy Dave, it is just what people call me, and I don't mind. I used to work in a mortuary, and I worked there for nearly 20 years before I burned out. You cannot see the things I have seen and not be affected by them. When it was obvious I was all washed up the NHS threw me a going away bash, well a series of disciplinaries to throw me out on my bottom, and with my debilitating anxiety, which meant I barely slept, and when I did the nightmares were horrific. I was well on my way to a mental breakdown, and unemployed, and looking unemployable after being blacklisted by the NHS. The price we pay for loyalty.

I had the six worst years of my life after that. Going from one low paid job to the next, always getting treated like shit by the management. After all, if the NHS has branded you, you can't be trusted, and therefore you get reminded every day, were watching you.

I am self-employed now, I put an advertisement on the darknet. I am a body disposal expert, if you ever find yourself with an inconvenient dead person, then you might want to look me up. I offer a quick service that is awfully expensive, but the body will be removed same day, and all traces removed from the scene of the accident. I like to call them accidents, it makes my clients feel that I am on their side, over their gruesome murder. The less expensive method requires time and privacy to complete, 2 to 3 days and I walk out of the building with a duffle bag, and in that time I would have made barely a sound, and just a bag of bones on me. Bones is all that is left of them when I'm done.

I mostly get to work at people's homes where I can get a few days to get my work done, but not always. However, I get a lot of work in hotels, dead prostitutes, or dead clients of prostitutes, either way we all make a killing. They do like some dangerous kinky shit these days; autoerotic asphyxiation is a big money earner for me. After all it looks like you just choked the life from a customer, and in the high-end prostitute market, it looks bad for the agency and the customer. Nobody wants a dead judge on their hands, not in the positions I've found people in, and I do hate it when they leave it last minute and the rigor mortis sets in. A fucking ball ache cutting them out of all that rubber and leather.

Sometimes it's just better for everyone if the body, or bodies just disappeared. Rich man comes home and finds his gorgeous trophy wife in bed with some hunk, and presto! An accident occurs in which the wife and hunk get shot multiple times. That is when you need a body disposal expert, and it happens more than you might think. I travel all over to do my job and it is disturbing, but more so when I get called in before the person has had their accident.

Clients often ask what happens to the with the waste product after the fact, but I just tell them not to worry about the details, but the remains will be completely destroyed, and that was true in the beginning, but not anymore. I used to take the remains of the quick jobs to the hospitals, and once there all I did was put them into the medical waste bins. As long as I double bagged them and didn't leave the head. The NHS would do the heavy work and get rid of the body for me, but now I take them home, and render them down to just bones. I turn the bones into anatomy skeletons for hospitals, universities, doctors' offices and such. What did you think they were made of?

What with my two businesses I make a fair bit of money these days, and I'm buying a house in New Zealand, where I intend to retire. I used to worry about getting caught! But these days if the police stop me with a body, one look on the internet and presto, I have a perfectly good reason for having a dead body in the boot of my car. Last time I didn't even need to produce a valid certificate to prove it was a volunteer for medical research, and I spent hours on my computer to produce those bogus certificates. I even went so far as to forge some of my old colleagues' signatures on the mortuary part.

Remember if you need an accident removed by a professional, then contact nice guy Dave. Day or night, and you can get rid of those hard to remove dead people, before they stink up the place.