A Journey into the Realm of Complete Bollocks

I'm an Umar Lumar Too

I am a Umpa Lumpa and I work for Wonker in his confectionary factory, however we are the Umar Lumar people, the p is silent and the a is pronounced ar. Giving you the Umar Lumar people, and not as that racist Wonker pronounces it. He of course thinks he is being funny when he tells people were the Umpa Lumpa's.

That's only the beginning of my hell working for that madman Wonker, he only pays us £7.50 an hour, and this close to London it's not a living wage. I'm not just about managing, I'm sinking, and Wonker takes 70% of our monthly wage for accommodation, most of the rest I send back home to my family. It gets worse I make the chocolate willies, and the strawberry penises on a stick for the Anne Summers confectionary line. I mostly live on broken chocolate willies and strawberry penises that don't make it to the shops.

He's on drugs most of the time, if not all the time. I never know if he's coming up, or coming down off something, and when he's completely shitfaced he goes on what he calls sexathon's, he goes round raping any Umar Lumar's he can find. The obesity levels among my people is just as bad as the diabetes, our life spans have been halved under the management of that maniac Wonker. Have you never wondered why you never see Umar Lumar's walking the streets? Or at the cinema? Wonker wont let us out, that's why. Were not just work slaves, were sex slaves, waiting for his next chocolate willy sugar high, that sends him on a drug fuelled sexathon.

Not even in death are we released from our torment, as he skins the dead and dyes their skin orange, and our hair green. These skins he puts onto animatronic dummies, that he uses to perform songs and dances for visitors to the factory. He's mad I tell you! Now he intends to lure children here with golden tickets, don't let them come. He's unhinged with no regard for the sanctity of human life, or dignity. The health and safety here is a joke, Umar Lumar that don't die of health issues die in industrial accidents, but I'm sure some are suicides, where they just give up on life and drown themselves in a vat of chocolate. If you bring your children here, then terrible things will happen to them, because this is a place where terrible things happen every day.

God help me he's coming!