A Journey into the Realm of Complete Bollocks

Living with Zombies

My life was already complicated before the zombie apocalypse because I'm a necrophiliac, and I fuck the dead. When they started getting up and moving around, and biting people, my sex life declined. Fucking them is one thing, but I don't want to be one. The main reason I got the job in the mortuary was because not even live people wanted to have sex with me, or even spend time with me, and now not even the dead will.

I have been experimenting with the zombies, and you can tie them down and fuck them. Its legal as there were no laws about fucking the dead before the apocalypse, and people have more important things to worry about now. I miss kissing and cuddling, its not the same without snuggle time. With zombies its always angry fucking, and I'm not used to all the passion they bring to the sex acts, but it is an enjoyable change.

Stage one protocols. Firstly, you catch a zombie, and they can be a bit lively. Not like before, just lying there expecting you to do all the work. Come to think of it was like fucking a virgin, with an equal chance of a toothy blowjob. Something I'm not prepared to risk with the zombies. Now after you've got hold of one of the less manky one's. You don't want one that's to mouldy, or your going to fuck its arms and legs off and remember their going to be squidgy on the inside. So double wrap the ole tally whacker and your off.

Stage two protocols to deal with the zombie threat (toothy blowjobs) Always secure your zombies safely during intercourse. As they can get very handsy, and I find its best to tackle them from behind, because they can get just as bitey as they get handsy. However, if you do like to look your zombie in the eyes when making love, and I don't blame you they do give such intense looks during sex. Then a face visor or helmet will be required, but not necessary if you've already kicked their teeth out, which I do recommend if you intend to keep them around. Remember zombies don't heal like real people, so if they have a pretty mouth then pliers are good for pulling out teeth. It is worth noting that zombies without teeth give amazing blow jobs, they really nosh down on it with gusto.

Protocol three. How to keep your zombie sex slaves to the manner they have become accustomed? Zombies need food to, and without teeth you will need to puree the human flesh before feeding. Only human flesh will do because of the essential vitamins, minerals and its gluten free (may contain nuts). When accommodating your zombie sex horde, it is best to use concreted walls, ceilings and floors. As plaster board is as good as nothing, and wood will break overtime. Good solid concrete is way forward, and no windows. They get restless when there's light and settle down when it's dark, as long as there's no noise to start them off, they just stand around waiting for cock gobbling time.

WARNING! Zombies carry diseases. So double wrap your dong or you could get zombie penis. Ladies always apply two condoms to that zombie wang, or put a strap on, on them, its all good.

Goodluck to all you zombie survivalists and stay safe.