Martin Fails at Breakfast

You cast a spell of scrying to identify the red-robed man.

You cast your spell of scrying, but nothing happens. Huh. That's odd. Your black-scaled dragon self should've been visible to you in your scrying attempt.

You go looking for Martin the butler again.

You decide to try and find Martin the butler again. You head to the kitchen, where you find Martin asleep at the table, a newspaper on top of his head.

"Martin?" you whisper.

He wakes up immediately, giving you the usual uncomfortable stare. "Yes?"

"I... uh... I'm not interrupting anything am I?"

"No, my lord. What is it?"

"There's a... a wolf outside.

You say "Also, much more importantly, a red robed guy showed up in my dreams and said I'd 'lost'?"

Martin stares at you for a second. "How long has the wolf been there?" Martin asks.

"I've been here all night."

"You just woke up, my lord."

You say "Yes, from a dream with a red robed man. I also can't seem to identify the location of the black-scaled dragon that I dreamed I was once, or the princely son who tried valiantly but failed to save me from cyborg centaurs."

Martin stares at you for a second. "The red robed man said I'd lost what?"

"A black-scaled dragon and a young prince." Martin goes back to his paper.

You say "Oh, is THAT what he meant? How do I lose people I've only ever been or met in dreams?"

Martin doesn't answer you. "Have you seen the paper, Martin?" you ask.

"No, my lord." You sigh and open it yourself.

"Breaking news!" the paper says. "Lycanthropy is over, and good-aligned vampires rule the entire world now."

You frown, and read on. "However, there are still rebels and misfits without a home. The Church of Joachim is asking for blood donations for these poor, unfortunate people."

You say "Darn it. I got some vials of blood in the mail just yesterday."

Outside, the wolf howls.

Martin says, "Well, I must be off, my lord."

"Good night, Martin. Be sure to feed the alligators." Martin nods, and leaves. You frown, and head out to go kill the werewolf that's prowling outside your house.

You say "Hey werewolf! Whaddaya doin?"

The werewolf charges you. You flick your wrists and fire two shots from your shotgun, both of which hit the creature. It howls in pain and howls again, before slumping down to the ground.

You say "...When did I get a shotgun? I'm supposed to be a w—oooh this is a dream again, isn't it. Darn it."

You wake up, and look around. You are now in your bed, and it's the morning. You frown, then get out of bed. You then hear a knock on your door. "Come in,"

It's Martin, wearing a red robe.

"Did you forget to feed the alligator?" Martin asks.


"My lord, I have brought you some breakfast."

You say "Oh, good. Is it bacon and eggs?"

Martin nods, and pushes the cart forward. You look at the cart, and gasp. There's a large, bloody chicken's head on a plate.

"No, Martin!"

You say "That is not what bacon and eggs look like. I swear, extradimensional vampiric time lord butlers...I'll go get my own breakfast!"

"Yes, my lord." You nod.

"Thanks, Martin." You head out of your room, and go downstairs.

You go to the kitchen to make crispy bacon and fried eggs.

You walk into the kitchen, and frown. You expected to find yourself in a modern, well-kept kitchen with state-of-the-art appliances and gadgets, not a dirty, charred, blackened mess.

You remember you've been using the kitchen to brew potions, and cast a clean-it-up spell.

As you clean up the ash and soot, you notice that the cabinets are marked with scorch-marks, and some of them are missing.

You say "Gods, Martin, what'd you do? It looks like a dragon's been in here!"

"I did no such thing, my lord! I would never burn down the kitchen!"

You snort. "Well, I'm going to have to keep an eye on you."

You NOW make bacon and eggs.

While you wait for the pan to cook, you take a stroll in the garden. After several minutes, you look in the pan, and sigh in satisfaction.

You eat bacon.

You eat the crispy, savory piece of meat, and eagerly dip your biscuit into the yolk. It tastes better than anything you've ever tasted.

You feed Ivial some breakfast too, then go out for shopping.

But then Martin rushes in, dropping three bags of groceries on the kitchen counter. "Sorry, my lord! I'm back!" he says.

"Alright, Martin. Now, what'd you get?"

You check the contents of the grocery bags.

You open the first bag, and find...not much.

You check the second bag.

You open the second bag, and find...even less. "Martin! I swear, you've gotten lazier!"

"I do my best, my lord! Ah! There's more!"

You open the third bag.

You open the third bag, and gasp. There's a large, hairy, smelly...person? "Martin, I don't believe it! You went hunting, and caught a werewolf?

You say "When did you even DO that? I mean, I barely even had time to eat breakfast before you showed up with all this!"

You force-feed the werewolf an anti-lycanthropy potion.

"Martin! That's how you did it?" Martin nods (having explained his methods off-screen, of course).

You say "who are you, person in the bag?"

"I'm a peasant, my lord. I was kidnapped, drugged, and sent to die in the wilderness. A noble found me, and brought me here."

"That's horrible! Poor guy..."

You say "Pfft, noble. Martin is so far above being a noble, like, you don't even know. Anyway, just think about your home and I'll cast a spell to send you there."

"Wow, really? You'll do that?"



Martin smiles. "I'll get some food, then! By the gods, I'm starving!"

You cast a spell to send the person from the bag home.

The person's eyes widen in shock, as you start to speak the spell, but they shout something you didn't expect. "A-And don't even think about calling it off, you crazy monster!"

You watch the person from the bag disappear as a result of the spell you just finished casting.

"Ah, look who it is! It's the new Lord of the manor!" You turn around, to see a younger looking Martin.

You say "Martin. Are you time traveling now, because I called you a timelord?"

Then, a black-scaled dragon lands in your front lawn.

"AH! RUN!" You sprint out of the kitchen, as the dragon breathes fire in your direction. Unfortunately, Martin isn't fast enough to get out of the way in time.

As his body is immolated, he laughs, enjoying the pain, because he is more than a little bit mad.

"Foolish mortal! Now, you shall learn your place!" He lunges forward at you.

Just before he can catch you on fire, he disappears, and reappears in front of the dragon outside, still cackling.

The dragon screams in pain as it's back is clawed by the creature, causing it to fall backwards. "Bastard!" it screams, before slumping over dead.

You head outside to find Martin back to his usual appearance, casually sipping a cup of tea. " killed dragon-me?" you ask.

Martin nods. "Indeed, I did."

"Who are you?"

"That's not an easy question to answer, beyond: I am Martin. And I, am your butler."

"I don't have a butler."

Martin raises an eyebrow. "I'm sure you've had Martin in the past, if only to let you in when you come home late from university."

You say "Um, no. We first met when I was trying to cast a springtime spell, and there was like a golden castle know what, trying to talk to you makes my head hurt."

Martin sighs.

You say "Anyway, you wanna go get Arby's?"

Martin nods. "Indeed. I'm very hungry." You drive to Arby's, where you buy a large combo meal for the two of you to eat, with plenty of drinks.