Armistice Of Love
Characters (In order of appearance)
DAHLIA – Girl, twenty-something, dresses in jeans, illustrated t-shirts, and sneakers.
KENTON – Boy, twenty-something, dresses in jeans, plain colored t-shirts, and sneakers.
CALVIN – Boy, best friend of Kenton, dresses in slacks with polo shirts.
ARTHUR – Boy, brother of Kenton, dresses in jeans, t-shirts, and sideways trucker hats.
MEGAN – Girl, sister and best friend of Dahlia, dresses in a flowy, girly dress and heels.
VINNIE – Boy, brother of CALVIN, dresses in over-alls, flannel, and combat boots.
SASHA – Girl, ARTHUR's girl friend, dresses in a t-shirt, skirt, and flip-flops.
NANA'S VOICE: DAHLIA and MEGAN's grandmother's voice from off-stage.
POPPY'S VOICE: DAHLIA and MEGAN's grandfather's voice from off-stage.
AT RISE: The kitchen at the entrance of the house.
DAHLIA: Hey, Kenton… Crazy seeing you here.
KENTON: What up?
DAHLIA: Looks like we're both staying over at my grandma's this weekend, huh?
KENTION: Yeah, I guess… I was just driving around New Augusta when I got a flat. Your grandpa came and helped me. But I don't have a spare, and I need to get new parts before I can drive home. So here I am.
DAHLIA: Oh, sucks… I was just visiting for the weekend. Funny thing. I guess I have good timing.
KENTON: Yeah. [PAUSE] Well, the rim is shot. And the old hunk-of-junk I'm driving requires scouring the local junkyards to find compatible replacement parts. Looks like I might be here awhile.
DAHLIA: Oh, sweet. I mean… Not sweet… Sucksville… Yeah… [SHE blushes.]
KENTON: Yeah, and I was all set to have a party to watch the movie they made about our lives.
DAHLIA: What movie?
KENTON: You know, the one staring an older Karate Kid.
DAHLIA: You mean Ralph Macchio?
KENTON: Yeah, him.
DAHLIA: They made a movie about our lives?
KENTON: [HE blushes.] Well, not really… I just like to say that it is because it's about a bunch of Italian twenty-something's who've known each other since birth because they're parents are in the Mob together, and who are searching for love in all the wrong places… And it stars an old Karate Kid… Whatever his name is.
DAHLIA: What does he have to do with anything?
KENTON: Well, look at me?
KENTON: [HE does HIS best "Crouching Tiger" position.] You don't think I look just like him?
DAHLIA: In this light…
DAHLIA: [Considers HIS point.] Hmmm… Not really. Sorry.
KENTON: Fine. [BEAT] So anyway, the point is I planned a party with some of my friends from back home. You remember Calvin, right?
DAHLIA: The cute kid with those intense blue eyes who was always over your house at the same time I was, playing video games with you before I got there?
KENTON: Yeah, I guess. Although I never really noticed his eyes.
DAHLIA: Oh, well… I almost had a crush on him… If it weren't for… Never mind.
KENTON: Huh… I never would have guessed. [PAUSE] Hey, want me to mention it to him the next time he calls?
DAHLIA: NO. I mean… No thanks. He's not really my type. I just thought he was cute. Sometimes. Maybe. I don't know. Yeah, moving forward…
KENTON: So yeah, I guess I'm not going to have my DVD screening party after all.
DAHLIA: For when was it planned?
DAHLIA: Oh, yeah. I see your point.
DAHLIA: [BEAT] So it's supposed to be the story of our lives? As far as I know our families aren't in the Mob.
KENTON: [Laughs] I know. But you just gotta see it to understand my point. I saw it in theaters. It really makes sense, minus the whole Sopranos aspect.
DAHLIA: What's it called?
KENTON: Armistice Of Love.
DAHLIA: Huh. Sounds like a chick flick, I'm surprised you're interested.
DAHLIA: I don't know. You strike me as more of an Action Flick sorta guy.
KENTON: Sometimes. You just gotta see this movie. It's different than most fluffy love stories. It's way deep.
DAHLIA: Oh, so you mean it's the "serious" type of movie?
KENTON: Yeah. I guess.
DAHLIA: I hate those.
KENTON: [Laughs] It's good. Trust me.
DAHLIA: Ok, sure. Except you're here at my grandparent's house in New Augusta. About an hour away from Udela, with no car to take you home.
KENTON: Hey, how did you get here?
DAHLIA: I took the train, then walked. I like the train. It makes me feel like I'm going on vacation or something. Plus, it doesn't crowd my grandparent's driveway.
DAHLIA: Yeah, sorry.
KENTON: I know. [BEAT] I guess I should call Calvin and tell him it's canceled.
DAHLIA: [Ponders] Not necessarily.
KENTON: [Intrigued] What do you mean?
DAHLIA: You could just move the party here.
KENTON: Your grandparents won't mind?
DAHLIA: Nah, they love having company over this place. Plus, I'm sure they'll remember Calvin from back in the day.
KENTON: My little brother Arthur is supposed to be coming home from college to see me this weekend, too. He was excited to see himself being played by Jake Gyllenhaal.
DAHLIA: [Laughs] Awesome! I haven't seen your brother in ages. College boy? Sheesh. Where does time go?
KENTON: I know, right? It's just some community college classes my parents made him take. He hates it. I don't blame him. I went to technical school for engineering.
DAHLIA: Me too, for journalism. [PAUSE, Laughs] I'm not so sure I'd see your brother as the Jake Gyllenhaal type, maybe more like Ethan Embry, or something…
KENTON: Ethan Embry's not dark enough. Jake Gyllenhaal does a great job; you just gotta see it!
DAHLIA: If you move the party here, I can.
DAHLIA: Yeah, and I can ask my sister to come over, too. You remember my older sister Megan, don't you?
KENTON: Oh yeah, she's the hot one, right?
DAHLIA: Uhhh… If you say so… Actually, she can be sorta cold sometimes.
KENTON: Not what I meant…
DAHLIA: I know. Not what I meant, either.
KENTON: So yeah, I remember her.
DAHLIA: Yeah, well we're always reminiscing about shit together. So I'm sure she'd be excited to see you again.
DAHLIA: I guess. [BEAT] She usually works at the bar on the weekends, but I can call her to see if she's not busy tonight.
KENTON: What bar does she work at? Maybe I've seen her.
DAHLIA: Club Viscos. It's in the City. I doubt you've been there. I've never even been.
KENTON: Oh, you'd be surprised the places I've seen.
DAHLIA: [Annoyed] Yeah, well. Whatever.
KENTON: So all together that makes the party you, me, Calvin, my brother, and your sister. Are your grandparents going to be home tonight?
DAHLIA: Yeah, didn't they tell you? My grandpa is retired from the Radio DJ business. He's no longer Jam Master Joseph. Now, he's home EVERY Saturday night, as just regular old Joe.
KENTON: Oh. Shit. [BEAT] So would they mind a rated "R" movie night?
DAHLIA: I don't think they'd mind. But just in case, we can use their upstairs apartment. It was my parents when they were first married. Then, Megan was born. So they moved out into a bigger space, before I was born and they moved into the house. [PAUSE] As of now, the apartment upstairs is used like a guest house. So it'd be pretty appropriate for us to party up there tonight. Plus, my grandparents will probably let you stay there until your car is repaired. Instead of just sleeping on their sofa.
KENTON: Sweet. I'll go call Calvin and Artie. You call your grandparents at the shopping mall. They said they weren't going to be home for awhile. Ask them if they'd be cool with us having a little shindig tonight. And then call Megs. It's going to be GOOD TIMES!
DAHLIA: I hope so.
AT RISE: Movie night. The upstairs apartment with separate entrance. Enter CALVIN.
CALVIN: Dude, what up? Great idea having the party here! Sucks about your car though.
KENTON: Yeah. Well, it happens.
CALVIN: Dude, totes. [Looks around] Yeah, but Dude this apartment ROCKS! Check out the surround sound speakers and the wrap-around couch. Great for canoodling with the chicks! [PAUSE] There ARE going to be chicks here tonight, right? Dude, tell me there's going to be CHICKS here tonight! I'm not desperate or anything… But Dude, help a bro out, seriously!
KENTON: Yeah, there's going to be chicks here tonight, Buddy. Actually, you remember Dahlia, right?
CALVIN: That total babe who used to sleep in the same crib with you when we were tiny and barely able to play video games?
KENTON: Yeah. I guess. [ASIDE] Babe? Baby! HAHAHA! PUN!
CALVIN: Dude, she's SMOKIN'! I'd kill to get a piece of that action! Is she here?
KENTON: Well, yeah. Obviously. We ARE at her grandparents house, after all.
CALVIN: Oh, right. [PAUSE] Dude, didn't she have a sister? Like an even SMOKIN' HOTTER sister?
KENTON: Yeah, Megan.
CALVIN: Is she going to be here, too?
KENTON: Yup. If she doesn't have to bartend at Club Viscos tonight.
CALVIN: Dude, she works at CLUB VISCOS? Seriously?
CALVIN: Yo, how come we haven't seen her there?
KENTON: Maybe we have, I don't know. It's always so dark in there.
CALVIN: Yeah, but the bartenders are all supposed to be like RIDICULOUSLY HOT!
KENTON: Yeah, so I hear. I don't pay much attention when we're there.
CALVIN: Dude, hook me up! Seriously.
KENTON: [Laughs] Well, you can try. But Megs is a lot older than us, remember?
CALVIN: Oh, true true. I dig older chicks, though. [BEAT] So when are the babes going to join us this evening?
KENTON: Well, whenever Megs gets here, she gets here. And Dahlia is downstairs in the house right now getting the snacks together.
CALVIN: Yo, it's pretty sweet her grandparents let us throw our party here tonight.
KENTON: Yeah, well her grandpa used to be the Late Night DJ for KWRS 104.2 Key-We FM.
CALVIN: DUDE! Her grandpa is Jam Master Joseph?
KENTON: The one and only!
CALVIN: No way! I used to listen to him EVERY NIGHT when I couldn't sleep as a kid… And even as a teenager… And well… He's retired now, right?
KENTON: Yeah, so he's going to be home tonight.
CALVIN: Dude, he should join us for the movie night! Spin a little for us! Dude, it'd be AWESOME! How many people can say they had THE JAM MASTER himself dj-ing their party for them? Oh man… Think of the chicks we'd get if we'd spread the word…
KENTON: No. Calvin. No. The Jam Master Joseph is just Joe now, and he's currently at the shopping mall with his wife enjoying a DJ-less life. I'm sure he's not going to want to cater to our hopeless desires. Besides, it's a MOVIE night, remember. Armistice Of Love is about 3 hours long anyway.
CALVIN: Dude, more time to cuddle with honeys. Am I right?
KENTON: Sure, Calvin. I don't think either of two girls we've known our WHOLE LIVES are going to want to cuddle with us, but whatever fantasy makes you happy.
CALVIN: Thanks, Dude.
KENTON: No problem, Buddy.
[The doorbell rings.]
CALVIN: Is it the honeys?
KENTON: [Looks though peep-hole] No, it's just my brother, Artie.
CALVIN: Dude, you didn't tell me Artie was going to be here! How is the kid? Still as hyper as ever?
KENTON: Ask him yourself. [HE opens the door. Enter ARTHUR.]
ARTHUR: What up?
KENTON: You remember Calvin, right Artie?
CALVIN: Hey, Artie! Wut up, Son?
KENTON: How's community college treating you?
CALVIN: You ok, Son? You don't seem like yourself.
ARTHUR: Yeah. I'm cool. My girl friend just dumped me. Whatever.
KENTON: Man, bro. Sucks the big one.
KENTON: You sure you want to watch a romantic Mob movie tonight?
ARTHUR: Yeah, I'll be fine. I brought my headphones in case I get all emo on you.
CALVIN: Totes. [BEAT]
KENTON: Bros, I'm going to go see how Dahlia is doing downstairs with the snacks.
CALVIN: Dude, seriously.
ARTHUR: Yeah. Don't know if I can eat anything. But yeah. Good idea.
CALVIN: Son, it'll be ok. There are other honey's in the hive. Seriously.
ARTHUR: Yeah. Whatever.
CALVIN: [To KENTON] Dude, hurry back with the food before Mr. Sad Pants over here makes ME depressed.
KENTON: No prob, Buddy. Be right back.
AT RISE: Downstairs, in the house. The kitchen. Enter KENTON while DAHLIA is at the counter making carrot sticks for her platter of vegetables and dip.
KENTON: Hey Dahlia, how's it going?
DAHLIA: Good, I'm just finishing-up the carrot sticks now.
KENTON: Cool. Calvin and Artie just got here.
DAHLIA: Nice. I'll bet they're hungry.
KENTON: Yeah, well Calvin is. Artie is heartbroken.
DAHLIA: [Listening, though seemingly preoccupied with making the food] Oh no.
DAHLIA: What happened?
KENTON: His girl friend just dumped him.
DAHLIA: It's been a tough weekend, huh?
KENTON: I guess so.
DAHLIA: Maybe my famous BBQ-Ranch dip will put a smile on his face.
KENTON: Ooo, can I try it?
DAHLIA: Sure. It's in the fridge, chilling. Take this carrot stick and see if it's ready.
KENTON: OK. [HE opens the fridge, dips the carrot stick, and tries the concoction.] Mmm… Delicious. You should have gone to culinary school, Dahlia.
DAHLIA: Yeah. My parents, my grandparents, and you all tell me the same thing. I say… If I went to school for cooking, then I wouldn't like it as much. As it is, I used to love journalism, and now it's just a job for me… It's lost all the fun it once had.
KENTON: Ha, see… Engineering was NEVER fun for me. So I quit. And now I'm a motorcycle mechanic at my uncle's shop. It beats doing calculus all day.
DAHLIA: Yeah, I wish I could say the same thing. I don't know. Journalism is cool, I just like working from home and getting to be my own boss better.
KENTON: [Taking another carrot stick and eating more dip] Well, with a recipe as excellent as this one, maybe you should just open your own catering business.
DAHLIA: Not a bad idea, but first… Try the homemade pizza bagels I put together earlier, just after I called my grandparents.
KENTON: [Takes a bite of a bagel] Damn Dahlia, these DO taste professional!
DAHLIA: [Laughs] Thanks. Means A LOT coming from you.
KENTON: [Still eating the bagel, mouth full] Oh yeah, how come?
DAHLIA: Because. You know me better than anybody does. If somebody is going to honest with me about my cooking, it's going to be you. So a compliment really is a compliment coming from you.
KENTON: I mean it. I'd hate it if you thought less of me for just being a motorcycle mechanic now, after you know… My parents made SUCH a huge deal about my grades in high school being so high. And stuff.
DAHLIA: I'd never think less of you. You're grades were ALWAYS better than mine in school. I always knew whatever you did, you'd be awesome at it. Plus, I'm not a big fan of engineers; they're too mathy for my taste.
KENTON: [Laughs] "Too mathy"? What does that even mean?
DAHLIA: You know, too calculating. Too much into numbers and statistics, and not enough into words and explications.
KENTON: Well, they say opposites attract.
DAHLIA: Where? Show me one happily married couple who were opposites when they first met?
KENTON: My parents.
DAHLIA: They're not opposites; they're so much alike they THINK they're opposites.
KENTON: [Bellows with laughter] You're right. I see your point.
DAHLIA: [Laughing] I'm glad you do.
KENTON: So I should probably be taking-up these AWESOME snacks to our guests.
DAHLIA: Yeah, especially because if my grandparents see this food here when they get home, there will be nothing left to eat for us before the movie starts.
KENTON: Yeah. Grandparents. They're all the same. Bottomless pits for food.
KENTON: [With trays of food in his hands] You know, Dahlia?
KENTON: You and me. We're not really opposites, either.
DAHLIA: I know. [PAUSE] I've always been good at Algebra.
KENTON: And I've always been good at making puns.
DAHLIA: Yeah. [BEAT] The pizza bagels are gonna get cold.
KENTON: Yeah, and Calvin is probably going to chew my head off if I don't throw him a bone soon.
DAHLIA: Wow, clichés much?
KENTON: You know it!
DAHLIA: Go, before I chew your head-off for being a dork!
KENTON: Yes, ma'am!
AT RISE: Downstairs in the house, the kitchen. KENTON is back upstairs (and off-stage) entertaining the dudes. Enter MEGAN. DAHLIA is catching MEGAN up to speed.
DAHLIA: MEGAN! You came! AWESOME! [SHE hugs HER sister.]
MEGAN: Of course, DeeDee! I wouldn't miss visiting with my little sister and her all time crush!
DAHLIA: Megan! Shhh! [PAUSE] You didn't have to work at Club Viscos tonight?
MEGAN: Nah, I had Pedro cover for me.
DAHLIA: Oh, the hottie you keep talking to online?
MEGAN: Totally! I think he's really into me, but I don't want to rush into anything.
DAHLIA: Yeah, I gotcha. I feel the same way about You-Know-Who.
MEGAN: Mr. Flat Tire?
DAHLIA: I see you heard my voice mail.
MEGAN: Totally! Do you think he's into you, FINALLY?
DAHLIA: I guess. I mean, he insisted I watch this movie with him tonight. OK, so it's NOT just him and me alone together… But still. The movie is apparently a romance.
MEGAN: What's the movie we're watching called again?
DAHLIA: Armistice Of Love.
MEGAN: Oh, the new one with an older Ralph Macchio in it?
DAHLIA: Yup. Have you seen it?
MEGAN: Nah, I saw previews for it when I saw The Geneva Convention in theaters. It seemed good for a Mob-based love story.
DAHLIA: Yeah, Kenton says it's the story of our lives.
MEGAN: Really? Interesting. I take it he's Ralph Macchio's character?
DAHLIA: Apparently. And Jake Gyllenhaal is his brother, Arthur… I mean, Artie.
MEGAN: Oh yeah, I totally forgot about Arthur. How is that kid?
DAHLIA: Well, right now he's heartbroken because his girlfriend just dumped him, so he's keeping busy sulking upstairs with Kenton and Calvin; you remember Kenton's best friend Calvin, right?
MEGAN: Oh, sucks about Artie's girlfriend. [PAUSE] Yeah. Calvin's that cute boy with the intense blue eyes, who's older brother Vinnie I dated for a bit in high school?
DAHLIA: Yup, that kid!
MEGAN: Oh, he's cute! You sure you don't like him better? Calvin, not Vinnie. Vinnie was so 1990's Grunge. Ick!
DAHLIA: [Laughs] Shut-up, Megan! What if they hear you upstairs?
MEGAN: So? Who cares? That Kenton boy needs to get his shit together and ask you out already! I mean, really… How many years has it been by now since the last time you two tried to get together? Ten… Fifteen… Maybe even your whole lives? That boy needs to get a clue, don't you think? Maybe if you flirt with Calvin a bit, Mr. Flat Tire will come running to claim you for his own! HAHAHA! [SHE laughs pointedly.]
DAHLIA: Megan, SHHH! Really. I'm working on it. Right now he just told me we're not opposites, and that a compliment from me really means something to him.
MEGAN: And what did you say?
DAHLIA: I agreed, and I said the same thing for him… Actually, I said the compliment thing first, and he reciprocated in response to me... For me… Yeah…
MEGAN: Hmmm, but no kissy kissy yet?
DAHLIA: No, not yet.
MEGAN: Doesn't count then. [BEAT] Got anything for me to eat? I'm starved. The long drive here from my house in Clydesdale was redonk! I mean, really… The traffic was unbearable. It took me two hours, instead of the usual hour and a half.
DAHLIA: Mr. Flat Tire just came down stairs to get the snacks. The party is upstairs in our parent's old apartment.
MEGAN: Nice, great place to hold a party!
DAHLIA: Yeah, and Mr. Flat Tire is gonna stay there for awhile because his car needs specialty parts in order for it to get repaired.
MEGAN: [With a mischievous look in her eyes] So you know what that means?
MEGAN: You're going to stay in Nana and Poppy's spare room!
DAHLIA: I can't!
MEGAN: Why not? It's the PERFECT opportunity to get closer to Mr. Flat Tire. And I'm sure he won't mind the company, if he's any sorta boy with any sorta testosterone inside of him. Clock is ticking, Dahlia… Tick Tock! Tick Tock!
DAHLIA: Shut-up, Megan! I mean, really… Don't you think it'd be a little too OBVIOUS if I just decided to up and stay over here until his car gets repaired?
MEGAN: Not really. You took the train here, like always, right?
DAHLIA: Yeah, so?
MEGAN: You could just conveniently "miss" your train home tomorrow. I mean, we're obviously all staying here together over night. What sort of party would this be otherwise? We gotta play Truth Or Dare!
DAHLIA: [Ignoring MEGANS's party suggestion] OK, fine. It might work for tomorrow, but what about the rest of the time he's here? It might take a month for a new old rim to turn up in the junkyards. How do I explain staying over my grandparent's house for a month?
MEGAN: Simple. You were just coming over to visit our grandparents, right? Well, tell him your grandparents want you stay longer to help-out around the house, since they're old and stuff. It's no biggy. Nana and Poppy are ALWAYS looking for company to stay over this place. Maybe you could get Poppy to show Kenton and you his recording studio in the basement. Tre dulce!
DAHLIA: Don't try to speak French, Megan.
MEGAN: Sorry, couldn't help it. French IS supposed to be the language of love, afterall.
DAHLIA: Personally, I like Italian better.
MEGAN: Me too, but that's because it's in our blood. [BEAT] So about this movie? Shouldn't we be watching it, already?
DAHLIA: Shit! You're right. I hope they didn't start it without us!
MEGAN: Let's go! I want to see if Calvin can hook me up with his brother's number!
DAHLIA: Didn't you say Vinnie was uber 1990's Grunge?
MEGAN: So? Pedro is taking too long to make-up his mind, I could use some company for a while.
DAHLIA: Megan, you're REDONK!
MEGAN: I know, but that's totally why you love me!
DAHLIA: Definitely! [THEY laugh.]
AT RISE: Upstairs apartment, refreshments are prepared and served. ARTHUR is sitting next to CALVIN who is sitting next to KENTON who is sitting next DAHLIA who is sitting next to MEGAN on the wrap-around sofa in front of the flat-screen television on the wall, in that order. The DVD is playing and is about half-way through the film. ARTHUR has his headphones on and is crying quietly into his hands. CALVIN is snacking on carrot sticks and ogling MEGAN. MEGAN is trying to avoid CALVIN's glare but wants food. KENTON is the only one who is really into the film. DAHLIA doesn't get the connection to the movie, is uncomfortable and eager to find an escape.
MEGAN: [Whispering to DAHLIA] DeeDee… DeeDee… Can you get me some dumplings and soy sauce?
DAHLIA: [Whispering back to MEGAN] Why don't you just get it yourself?
MEGAN: Because CALVIN has been sending me the Evil Eye all night. What's that kid's problem, anyway?
DAHLIA: [Looks over at CALVIN, whispers to MEGAN] He's not giving you the Evil Eye. He's giving you the I-Want-To-Jump-Your-Bones Eye. He thinks you're hot.
MEGAN: I am, but that's beside the point. He's bugs me. I hope he's not thinking I'll switch from his brother to him.
DAHLIA: I don't think he even remembers you dated Vinnie. I barely even remembered.
MEGAN: Yeah, but still. I don't like being ogled.
DAHLIA: What girl does?
MEGAN: Good point. [BEAT] Could you just get me the dumplings and sauce, please?
DAHLIA: Sure. I can't stand this movie anyway.
MEGAN: Thanks Sis!
DAHLIA: No biggy. [SHE gets-up from HER shackled position on the sofa, gathers some dumplings on a plate, and pours some soy sauce over them for HER sister, then returns to HER spot.]
MEGAN: Grassy ass, DeeDee!
DAHLIA: No problemo, Megs.
[MEGAN eats, as DAHLIA considers HER options for ditching the boring movie. Suddenly, KENTON leans over to whisper something into DAHLIA's ear…]
KENTON: So what do you think?
DAHLIA: [Whispering back at KENTON] About what?
KENTON: The movie, Dorkus.
DAHLIA: Oh, it's uhhh… Interesting. But I don't get the connection to our lives.
KENTON: You don't see it?
DAHLIA: Uh, no.
KENTON: Well, I'm Ralph Macchio's character, you're Ginnifer Goodwin's character, Artie's Jake Gyllenhaal's character, Calvin is Jamie Foxx's character, and Megs is Halle Berry's character… [PAUSE] You still don't see it?
DAHLIA: Uhhh… A little. But why is my dad the Mob boss?
KENTON: It's a metaphor. You know. Because he's MY GODFATHER?
KENTON: Yeah. So you see it now?
DAHLIA: Not really. [BEAT] Actually, I think I just heard Nana and Poppy get home from the shopping mall. I better go say "Hi!" to them or they'll feel ignored.
KENTON: I didn't hear their car pull into the driveway.
DAHLIA: It's a hybrid, a Prius, it's SUPER quiet!
KENTON: Fine, but you'll miss the rest of the movie!
DAHLIA: It's cool. If I miss too much of it, we'll watch it again later.
DAHLIA: Be right back.
DAHLIA: [Whispers to MEGAN] I'll be downstairs if you need me.
MEGAN: [Whispers loudly back to DAHLIA] DON'T LEAVE ME!
DAHLIA: Oh, you'll be fine. Don't worry about Calvin. Artie and Kenton are still here with you.
MEGAN: Fine, but you owe me!
DAHLIA: Trust me, I know.
MEGAN: [BEAT] Mr. Flat Tire better kiss you soon, or else this whole night's a wash.
DAHLIA: Megan, I would kick you in the shins right now, but I don't want to come across as MORE obvious.
MEGAN: What? You KNOW you're thinking it, also!
DAHLIA: Yeah. Shut-up! [PAUSE] I'll be back later, like when the movie is almost done. Hopefully.
MEGAN: KK, see you later, DeeDee!
DAHLIA: See ya!
AT RISE: Downstairs sitting at the kitchen table. Nana and Poppy went out dancing at the Community Center. DAHLIA is sitting alone and eating a pint of Hagen Daas Dulce de Leche ice cream. Enter KENTON.
DAHLIA: Hey, what are you doing down here?
KENTON: You didn't come back upstairs for awhile, so I paused the movie and looked out the window. Your grandparent's car isn't in the driveway.
DAHLIA: I know. They WERE here. But they only stopped by to get changed for the Community Old Folks Dance at the Center tonight.
KENTON: Wow, they have more of a social life than we do.
DAHLIA: I know, right!
KENTON: [BEAT] So I take it you didn't like Armistice Of Love?
DAHLIA: It's not that I didn't like it, persay. More like I didn't get it.
KENTON: It's ok. I didn't get it the first time I saw it, either.
DAHLIA: [BEAT] Shouldn't you be getting back to your party.
KENTON: OUR party, remember. You made the delicious food. We're at YOUR grandparents place. Definitely OUR party.
DAHLIA: OK, how about THE party? Shouldn't you be getting back to THE party upstairs, and your chick-ogling best friend?
KENTON: Yeah. Calvin is sometimes misunderstood. He's not a "dirty" sorta guy. He just wants to be cuddled. And not because he likes boobies or anything. He's just lonely, and comes across as a total dousche.
DAHLIA: Oh, well he was weirding-out my sister.
KENTON: Yeah, so when I paused the movie, Calvin went over to talk to Megs.
DAHLIA: Uh oh… And?
KENTON: Megs asked him for Vinnie's number! [HE laughs.] So now they're bonding over how 1990's Grunge his brother is.
DAHLIA: Hilarious! Well, I'm glad Megs is feeling better.
KENTON: Yeah. Artie on the other hand…
DAHLIA: Still crying to himself?
KENTON: Yeah, poor kid.
DAHLIA: I don't blame him. Break-ups are tough. ESPECIALLY when he's the one being dumped.
KENTON: Yeah, I don't get it. He and Sasha were SOOO good for each other.
DAHLIA: Maybe they were opposites.
KENTON: Yeah. Ha. Probably.
DAHLIA: Well, you should be getting back to the movie…
KENTON: It's cool… It would seem nobody else but me was enjoying the movie… So, they can keep each other company for now.
DAHLIA: Oh, sorry.
KENTON: No big. [BEAT] So Dahlia, listen…
DAHLIA: [Apprehensive] Yeah?
KENTON: I don't suppose you'd want to go for a walk or something? I'm pretty bored myself from sitting still for two hours. I've got Cabin Fever, know what I mean?
DAHLIA: Yeah. Sure. Let me just put Mr. Daas back in the freezer.
KENTON: "Mr. Daas"?
DAHLIA: Yeah, you know, Hagen. We girls ALWAYS name our ice cream.
KENTON: OK then. [HE laughs to himself.]
DAHLIA: [As SHE opens the freezer and puts the ice cream away] So where do you wanna go?
KENTON: Well, I was going to say we could go get some ice cream… But I see you already beat me to it.
DAHLIA: Yeah. Sorry.
KENTON: No big. We could just walk around the block and come back.
DAHLIA: I suppose we could.
DAHLIA: Cool. [BEAT] Do you think they'll miss us upstairs?
KENTON: Nope. I'm sure by the time we get back, Megs will have BOTH Calvin and Artie in the palm of her hands playing Truth Or Dare!
DAHLIA: [PAUSE] Wow, I'm impressed!
DAHLIA: You really do remember my sister!
KENTON: Ha, yeah, how could anybody forget?
DAHLIA: True, very true.
[THEY laugh and exit through the front door, BLACKOUT.]
AT RISE: A park bench, down the road from Nana and Poppy's house.
DAHLIA: It's so refreshing outside.
DAHLIA: Good idea you had to take a walk.
KENTON: Thanks. At least I had ONE good idea tonight.
DAHLIA: The movie wasn't completely awful.
KENTON: Ha, well it's not like I directed it or anything.
KENTON: I just wish you could see what I saw when I watched it.
DAHLIA: Well, maybe you can explain it to me.
KENTON: OK, I'll try. [PAUSE as HE ponders.] OK, so Macchio is in love with Goodwin but Goodwin's Mob-boss father is Macchio's Godfather, and doesn't want the two of them to hook-up because there is bad blood between Macchio's family and Goodwin's family. Goodwin's father is nice to Macchio because he's a devout Catholic and believes in the whole Godfather thing, but at the same time Goodwin's father knows the bad blood must be shed between the two families in order for there to be true armistice between them once more. [PAUSE] It's like Romeo And Juliet, except without all the Shakespeare, and with more Sopranos in it instead. [PAUSE] Gyllenhaal is Artie, Macchio's brother, or like Benvolio in R&J. He's slain as a sacrifice to the Godfather. Foxx is basically Calvin who would be Mercutio, but in this case he's slain to avenge Benvolio's death, instead of the reverse. And eventually they all reach an Armistice Of Love when Macchio declares he's leaving the Mob with Goodwin, for good, and going into hiding, never to return. When the Godfather sees his own personal stubbornness has lead to loosing his only daughter for good (Berry as Megs would be your best friend, or the Nurse in R&J!), he agrees to end the fight between the two families, and join together in one big happy Mob… Sans their two kids in love… Or something. [BEAT] Do you get it now?
DAHLIA: [Baffled] So you think we are the equivalent of Romeo and Juliet?
KENTON: Yeah… [PAUSE] Don't you?
DAHLIA: Not really. But now that you mention it… I understand a bit more than I did. [PAUSE] But again, my dad's NOT a Mob boss. And he doesn't hate you or your family.
KENTON: No, but it sure as fuck feels like it.
DAHLIA: Actually, I though it was YOUR dad who hates me and my family.
KENTON: No, of course not!
DAHLIA: So what's the "bad blood" between our two families then?
KENTON: You know, I don't really know. One minute we were all enjoying X-mas dinner together, and a few years later… We never really speak of each others families being best friends ever again.
DAHLIA: So what's the "bad blood" in the movie? Maybe it'll give us a clue.
KENTON: Well, in the movie… Let me think… [PAUSE] In the movie, the Godfather wanted to make Macchio's father the Godfather of his daughter in return for being the Godfather of Macchio. But the Godfather's brother got in the way. He claimed the position for himself, and threatened to secede from the family if he didn't get the position. So Goodwin's father made him her Godfather. Macchio's father felt MAJORLY dissed. And from then on there was a chasm between the two families, which only grew as the relationships faltered between Gyllenhaal and Foxx, et cetera… [BEAT] Does that help us any?
DAHLIA: I guess. I don't know. It's their problem, NOT ours.
KENTON: No, NOT ours. Which is why we run-off to Sacramento to be together.
DAHLIA: In the movie?
KENTON: Right, in the movie!
DAHLIA: [BEAT] Star-crossed lovers then, huh?
KENTON: I guess so. I mean… That is… Well you know… Love…
DAHLIA: Yeah, love…
KENTON: About that…
DAHLIA: About that…
KENTON: [BEAT] I love you, Dahlia…
KENTON: I love you, Dahlia… Didn't you hear me the first time?
DAHLIA: Yeah, but I wasn't sure since I was lost thinking about the movie…
KENTON: Oh. [HE laughs to himself.] I see.
DAHLIA: Me too.
DAHLIA: Me too. I mean… I love you too, Kenton…
DAHLIA: Yes, really, Dork.
KENTON: Well if I'm a dork, then you're definitely a Dorkus! [HE lightly shoves HER.]
DAHLIA: [Laughing out of tension] Yes, yes I am. [SHE kisses HIM on the cheek.]
KENTON: Agreed. [HE kisses HER back on the lips.]
DAHLIA: [BEAT] What just happened?
KENTON: I think we just ran away to Sacramento together.
DAHLIA: Oh, I see…
KENTON: Which reminds me… They're probably wondering where we are…
DAHLIA: Yeah, we better head back…
KENTON: Yeah, we better…
DAHLIA: [BEAT] I'm glad you got a flat tire…
KENTON: Me too… I'm glad you came to visit…
DAHLIA: Me too…
[THEY get-up from the park bench, and exit SR. BLACKOUT]
AT RISE: Upstairs apartment. CALVIN called VINNIE over to the apartment for MEGAN. SASHA came to see ARTHUR to apologize. CALVIN is calling every girl in his phonebook trying to find a date for the night. Enter DAHLIA and KENTON holding hands.
MEGAN: Took you two long enough!
MEGAN: What? You're holding hands! EVERYBODY sees it now!
DAHLIA: OK, fine.
MEGAN: [Gives KENTON a punch in the arm] WAY TO GO! You finally got the guts to win the heart of my little sister for yourself! CONGRATS kid and welcome to the family officially!
KENTON: [Blushing] Thanks.
DAHLIA: Alright Megs, leave him alone. We're cool now.
MEGAN: No prob, DeeDee, he's ALL yours! FINALLY!
MEGAN: Hey, I'm just trying poke a little fun at my future brother-in-law, forgive me little sis!
DAHLIA: It's Kenton who needs to forgive you.
MEGAN: Kenton, what do you say bro-in-law?
KENTON: Sure. No prob.
MEGAN: See! Hand-holding, a kiss, a proposal, ALL IN ONE NIGHT!
DAHLIA: [In hushed tones] How did you know we kissed?
MEGAN: C'mon, DeeDee! I'm your SISTER! You think I can't tell when you're blushing like a strawberry and grinning like a jack-o-lantern?
DAHLIA: Fine. You win, Megs. I can't keep anything from you.
MEGAN: Damn right, DeeDee, and don't you forget it! [BEAT] So DeeDee, have you met Sasha, Artie's girl friend?
DAHLIA: Oh I was wondering who Arthur was talking to over there.
MEGAN: Yeah, she came over to apologize to him, so they got back together.
DAHLIA: Good for them!
MEGAN: I know, right! [BEAT] And of course you remember Vinnie?
VINNIE: [HIS arm around MEGAN] What up, Dahlia? Long time no see.
DAHLIA: Like wise, Vinnie.
VINNIE: What up, Kenton?
KENTON: What up, Vinnie?
MEGAN: Well, now that we're all together here. Somebody's got to get poor Calvin a date! He's been calling every girl he's ever known in his phonebook since the rest of us got hooked-up tonight.
KENTON: Oh, don't worry about Calvin. As soon as he goes home tomorrow, he'll call Jesse up, and they'll be together for the rest of the day.
DAHLIA: Who's Jesse?
KENTON: His long-time girl friend who he forgets he's in love with, and neglects to bring to parties, mostly because they're vaguely anti-social together.
MEGAN: You mean Calvin is a monogamous-type male after all?
KENTON: Yup, he just likes to talk about chicks, but he's really a total romantic at heart. Do you think he'd even come over to watch a love story with us tonight if he wasn't? He and Jesse just don't like big social gatherings. They're the total shy types.
DAHLIA: Oh, like I was…
KENTON: [Laughs] I guess. I never really considered you to be shy, though.
MEGAN: Nah, DeeDee is ALWAYS open about how she feels with boys. Or about THE boy. Really. [SHE nudges KENTON in the shoulder.]
DAHLIA: Thanks, Megs. I can speak for myself, you know.
MEGAN: EXACLTY my point. She CAN speak for herself. And she DOES. Often!
DAHLIA: OK, OK… Enough about me.
MEGAN: Yeah, let's go annoy Artie and Sasha! Can't believe that kid is finally old enough to have a steady girl friend! Last time I remember seeing him, he was still in his training pants! HAHAHA! [SHE laughs pointedly.]
KENTON: Lord knows you're NOT shy, Megs! [THEY laugh, collectively.]
MEGAN: NOPE! [BEAT] HEY ARTIE, GET YOUR EMO BUTT OVER HERE AND INTRODUCE US TO YOUR GIRL!... AND CALVIN GET OFF THE PHONE FOR A MINUTE AND COME MEET ARTIE'S GIRL WITH US!
CALVIN: Gimme a minute. [Whispers to HIS cell phone] Jessebelle, I gotta go. I know. I know. I love you, too! Talk to you later! Kiss Kiss and stuff! No you hang-up!... YOU!... OK OK! ByeBye, Belle! [HE closes HIS cell phone and runs over to join the group.]
ARTHUR: [Running over, SASHA in hand!] Hey guys! Meet my GIRL Sasha!
SASHA: Nice to meet all of you!
ARTHUR: [Happy as a clam in high tide!] SquishyBear meet Calvin – he's my brother's and my best friend since forever. You already know my brother Kenton, and now here's his girl Dahlia… And now you can meet Dahlia's sister Megan, and her boy Vinnie who's also Calvin's older brother… Here's everybody. Everybody meet SquishyBear… I mean… My GIRL Sasha!
MEGAN: DOG PILE ON SASHA!
[THEY ALL collectively jump on SASHA and give HER a giant group hug. Suddenly, the door to downstairs opens. And we hear the voices of Nana and Poppy yell up towards the collective, who are still mid-hug.]
NANA'S VOICE: DeeDee, Megs we're home from the dance early! How's the party going upstairs?
POPPY'S VOICE: You kids want me to spin a few records for you all? I've got the "Hand Jive" and the "Hussle" and all sorts of fun stuff!
DAHLIA: Sounds AWESOME, Poppy!
POPPY'S VOICE: GREAT! I haven't DJ-ed in awhile, so you'll have to cut me some slack, Jack!
NANA'S VOICE: [Lovingly] Oh, Joe…
KENTON: Thanks for letting us have our party here, Nana and Poppy!
CALVIN: Yeah, thanks!
VINNIE: Thank you!
SASHA: Thank you so much!
NANA'S VOICE: Oh, I'm glad you're all so happy!
POPPY'S VOICE: Now let's get this party REALLY hopping!