Action Figures! (Hasta La Vista, Baby!)

CHARACTERS

KAITLYN

A chubby 3rd grade little girl who likes to play with others, but usually keeps to Herself and HER own imagination…

DENNIS

A skinny 5th grade CUTE little boy with Action Figures always with HIM who wants to be noticed, but usually keeps to Himself and HIS own imagination…

SETTING

An elementary school playground at recess on a warm spring day. The playground is large with two seemingly brand-new high tech "fun center" type jungle gyms which are located beyond the Fourth Wall, leaving the actors to imagine them. On the far right of the jungle gyms, and located Down Stage Right, is a relic from the past and the only thing left over from the original playground, an old fashioned metal hexagonal silver piece of playground equipment, with four or five rungs leading up to a square perch at the top, with fireman polls to slide down from in the middle inside each of the four corners. Up Center Stage, on the perimeter of the playground, where the field begins, is a newfangled metal bench covered in maroon plastic for protection with hexagonal holes throughout. Down Stage Left is a shelter, a tin triangular roof with for pillars holding it up from a cement base. It's the 1990's.

NOTE TO THE DIRECTOR

The Sound Effects provided in the script are only some examples of the ones possible! Please! FEEL FREE to play as many improvisational games as you like and to simply allow your actors to come up with whatever other little boy's and little girl's Sound Effects they can as they please! The dialogue REMAINS the SAME, while ONLY the Sound Effects may DIFFER! Thanks!

At Rise: A skinny boy enters SL, with a plastic Spiderman lunchbox gripped in HIS hand and sits on the ground at the bench with HIS back toward the Audience. HE is wearing a black Stone Cold Steve Austin 3:16 T-shirt, blue jeans, and Converse™ Sneakers. HE sits down prepared to get to work. HE places the lunchbox on the ground and opens it revealing its contents to the Audience. It is filled with Action Figures of all kinds. HE takes out HIS three favorite: Stretch Armstrong™, GI Joe™, and Batman and proceeds to play by Himself with HIS toys using the bench as the game area, sort of speak. Sounds of kids at play are going on all round HIM, although these other kids are never to be seen by the Audience. HE is clearly in HIS own little world, proceeding to imagine a full on battle between HIS three favorite action figures, complete with HIS own personal brand of little boy Sound Effects, IE: Bew! Bew! Swooosh! Pow! Pow! Swooosh! BOOM! … Etc!... Etc!.. Etc!… HE pretty much keeps at it quietly and to Himself.

Enter a chubby little girl from Stage Right. Dressed in a tight fitting hand-me-down tie-dyed Mickey Mouse T-shirt, the kind you'd obviously find at K-Mart, Target, or Sears at the time, and a pair of bright-pink stirrup pants, the kind that would always manage to rip at the crotch, regardless, and matching bright pink socks which noticeably stick-up from a pair Payless Sneakers. With HER, is HER plastic pink Little Mermaid lunchbox. SHE takes to HER daily observatory post on the usually abandoned old school silver metal hexagonal piece of playground equipment, sitting only on the top fourth rung, never quite having the nerve to climb to the top of the square part, on the side facing more toward the Audience and less toward the little boy, so that SHE is able to turn away from HIM in order to converse with Herself, or as the case may be, the Audience. SHE places HER lunchbox on the ground inside HER metal perch. Also, obviously in HER own imaginary world, SHE assesses the situation around HER, taking notice of, but paying little to no real attention to the little boy playing at the bench. Making sure no one is watching, SHE starts a conversation with Herself.

KAITLYN

OK! Here we are! No what?! Margot went home for lunch today. So now what are we gonna do?! Then again, she always goes home for lunch… Hmmm… Well, I really don't feel like playing wall-ball… or watching the kids play wall-ball actually… and we're not allowed to sit on the Hill and roll down it any more…. Besides that's not fun by myself anyway… Geez…. Hmm…. That ham sandwich my mom packed me today was actually good for once… with lettuce! Just like I like it! Mmmm… too bad it was on whole wheat bread… ICK! I dunno why we can't just eat white bread like we used to…

[SHE looks out toward the Audience...]

I wonder where Ricky is today? Do you think he went home for lunch? He doesn't usually go home for lunch, but I don't see him anywhere… He's not playing wall-ball like he usually does, and he's not on the monkey-bars either. I wonder if he went home sick today… I hope not… Maybe he just didn't do his homework and stayed home like I did yesterday…. Oh well, we get 18 absences a year anyway….

[Suddenly SHE hears a loud "SWOOSH! BOOM! GOTCHA!" coming from the little boy on the bench. Startled, yet intrigued, SHE turns toward HIM from HER perch, and halts the conversation with Herself for a moment or two to observe the little boy in action. HE continues to make loud noises, standing up with HIS action figures and facing the Audience for an instance before sitting back down with HIS back towards them again, yet still not taking notice of KAITLYN. SHE sees HIS face, and HE is "WAY CUTE!" in HER eyes, thus SHE continues talking to Herself…]

Who IS that CUTE kid with the Action Figures?!

[SHE faces HIM again, this time paying close attention to HIM. SHE hears more… "BEW! BEW! SWOOSH! WOOHOO! YOU'RE GOING DOWN BUSTER! BEW! BEW!… NO! NO! NOT ME! NOT ME COPPA! I'M INNOCENT I TELLYA! INNOCENT YA HEAR! AHHHHHH!... M'YAH, SEE… I'M NOT, SEE! M'YAH, SEE… I'M SO EVIL, SEE! MUAHAHAHA!"… Etc!… Etc!… Etc!… only this time it's a lot louder and with funny accents even! SHE turns back toward the Audience...]

HAHAHAHA! He said "Copper!" HAHAHAHA! That's AMAZING!

[SHE turns back toward the little boy, watching HIM earnestly now. HE continues… "YOUR GOING DOWN BUCKO! I GOTCHA NOW!... NO! I'M TELLIN' YA, YA GOT THE WRONG GUY! HE DID IT!... M'YAH, SEE…I SURE DID, SEE! MUAHAHAHA!... SEE! I HAD NOTHIN' TO DO WITH IT COPPA! HONEST! YA GOTTA BELIEVE ME!... WELL, WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT! I'M GONNA TAKE YOU BOTH DOWNTOWN AND HAVE THE JUDGE DECIDE! CUFF-EM, JOE!... OK, BOSS! YOU GOT IT!..." Etc!… Etc!… Etc!… SHE turns back toward the audience, somewhat louder and a little less to herself, SHE laughs again, then speaks…]

HAHAHAHA! THAT'S AWESOME! HAHAHAHA!

[SHE turns back toward HIM earnestly paying more attention again. Hearing the giggly laughter for a second time, and seeing that HE'S finally got someone's attention… to KAITLYN's total surprise, the CUTE little boy with the Action Figures looks up at HER, makes eye contact, and gives HER a big smile. The Audience still sees nothing. SHE smiles back. Then, when HE turns away to continue HIS Action Figure business, SHE quickly turns back to the Audience and shocked… says to Herself…]

Oh My God! The CUTE kid with the Action Figures JUST SMILED AT ME! OH MY GOD!... Umm… now what?! I think I smiled back!… Oh Geez! I hope so! OH MY GOD! He knows I'm watching him! OH MY GOD! Now what?!

[SHE goes back to watching HIM earnestly… although somewhat more shyly this time… having been caught in the act of observing HIM. SHE hears more… "BEW! BEW! THIS IS IT! YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! BEW! BEW!... HONESTLY COPPA, I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN!... THEN WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?!... BECAUSE YOU'RE CHASIN ME! DUH!... BEW! BEW! I GOTCHA NOW! BEW! BEW! THIS IS IT FOR YOU BUSTER! NO MORE RUNNING! BEW! BEW! SWOOSH!... WHY DON'T YOU GO AFTER THE OTHER GUY ALREADY?! HE ACTUALLY DID THE CRIME!... SWOOSH! BEW! BEW! OH WE ALREADY GOT HIM! AND WE'RE GONNA GETCHU TOO! JUST WAIT AND SEE! BEW! BEW! SWOOOSH! BOOM! AHHHHHH! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE STRONG ARM OF THE LAW! POW! POW! POW! POW! SWOOOOOOOSH!... SHE laughs again… boisterously cracking up this time!...]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[And again… to HER total amazement, HE looks up at HER, gives HER HIS biggest smile, and then, before HE turns away again completely… HE gives HER a subtle "Come over here!" head nod… then continues HIS business once more! Totally flabbergasted, SHE turns back toward the Audience one final time… and to Herself, but with total shock and amazement, SHE speaks…]

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! HE JUST SMILED AT ME AGAIN! NO WAY! THE CUTE KID WITH ACTION FIGURES JUST SMILED AT ME AGAIN! OH MY GOD! NO WAY! HE MIGHT HAVE EVEN NODDED FOR ME TO GO OVER THERE… OH MY GOD! NOW WHAT DO I DO?!... DO I GO OVER THERE? …. Geez Kaitlyn! GO OVER THERE! Don't be such a chicken! What's the worst that could happen? He calls you fat? Big deal! Not something your not already used to! GO OVER THERE ALREADY! It's almost the end of lunch! DON'T LET THIS OPPORTUNITY PASS YOU BY!... Ok! I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna go over there! You stay here! And watch for Sharks!... Oh! Don't be such a guppy, Flounder!... Geez!…. Here goes nothing! Wish me luck!... GOOD LUCK!... Thanks! I'll need it… PHEW!... OK! HERE I GO!...

[SHE leaves HER metal perch of safety, picks-up HER plastic pink Little Mermaid lunchbox which, unlike the CUTE little boy with the Action Figures's lunchbox, obviously held sustenance, and not just toys… Before SHE leaves HER Post, the lights go out. When they come back on, the bench is now located Center Stage, with the back of the bench facing Stage Right, and the front facing Stage Left, so that the action at the bench is pretty much visible from all angles of the Audience… Thus, the perimeter of the playground has also been moved along Stage Left, while the other pieces of playground equipment, including KAITLYN"S silver perch of safety have also been moved off stage. The focus is now entirely on the bench, the CUTE little boy with Action Figures, KAITLYN, and the toys. SHE walks over to HIM from Stage Right. SHE reaches HIM, HE looks up at HER, and speaks…]

DENNIS

Hey!

KAITLYN

[Shyly]

Hi!...

[PAUSE as HE looks back down and plays nervously with Stretch Armstrong™ in HIS hands.]

… Whatcha doin'?

DENNIS

Well… You see… It's like this… This is Steve Segal, Batman is Ahrnold Schwarzenegger, and GI Joe™ is Sly Stallone… And together, they have to try to save the world from a Comet that's plummeting toward Earth, a Volcano erupting in Asia, a Tidal Wave in the Mediterranean Sea, and an Earthquake in Antarctica!…. And all before dinner! Or before we go back inside…. Whichever comes first!

KAITLYN

Hahahaha! Wow! That's a lot to do before then….

DENNIS

Yeah! Wanna play?

KAITLYN

SURE! Who can I be?

DENNIS

Here!... Wait! Gimme a second!...

[HE puts down Stretch Armstrong™ briefly, reaches over for HIS lunchbox containing the rest of HIS action figures, pulls out a special plastic Mothra figure just for KAITLYN to play with, and HE hands it to HER…]

Here!... You can be MOTHRA! Hehehe!

[SHE is perplexed by this little plastic moth-shaped thing SHE is now holding in HER hand… although SHE is laughing hysterically at it!]

KAITLYN

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?!

DENNIS

It's MOTHRA!... You know, Mothra!... Have you ever seen Godzilla Vs. Mothra?

KAITLYN

[Still laughing!]

No… but this thing is hysterical! Look at it! Just look at it! HAHAHAHA!

[SHE starts to play with it… and in a funny voice, speaks…]

I'm Mothra! JUST LOOK AT ME! HEHEHEHE! I'M A GIANT MOTH-RA! HEHEHEHE! HAHAHAHA! YOU CANNOT RESIST ME! HAHAHAHA!

[Etc!… Etc!… Etc!…]

DENNIS

[HE laughs too!]

HAHAHAHA!

KAITLYN

So Mothra is good… Right?!... I mean… I know Godzilla's supposed to be bad… Right?!... So I'm on your side… Right?!

DENNIS

Yeah, Mothra's good!... You're totally on our side! Ok!

[HE picks-up the Stretch Armstrong™ figure… As Steve Segal]

Hey Mothra! Want to help us save the world?!

KAITLYN

[As Mothra]

SURE!... Who are you again?!

DENNIS

[HE laughs!]

HAHAHAHA!... I'm Stretch Armstrong™ and Steve Segal, King of the Karate Chop!... And that's GI Joe™ and Sly Stallone, AKA: Rambo! And The Boxing Champ! Rocky Balboa!... and that's Batman and Ahrnold Schwarzenegger, The Terminator!... Of course!

KAITLYN

[As Mothra]

Of course! So what can I do to help?

DENNIS

[As Steve Segal]

Well… Hmmm…. Let's see…. Considering you're the only one of us that can fly, Mothra, you can carry us all on your back… while we try to save the world! Sound good?

KAITLYN

[As Mothra]

Sounds good! I can fly in Space too!

DENNIS

[As Steve Segal]

Good! Then you can take Ahrnold, and use his Terminator laser guns and shoot down that Comet that's plummeting towards Earth first…. And we'll stay here and make sure everything goes Ok! Ok? Good!

KAITLYN

[As Mothra]

Sure thing! Let's go Ahrnold! Get on my Back!

[HE hands HER Batman… As Ahrnold]

Ok! Guys… I'll be bahk!

[The two action figures fly away TOGETHER… As Mothra]

Ok! Arhnold! There it is! There's the Comet!

[As Arhnold… Making HER own brand of little girl Sound Effects!]

I got this! BEW! BEW! BEW! SWOOSH! DOWN YOU EVIL PLUMETTING SPACE ROCK! BEW! BEW! BEW! SWOOSH! SWOOOOOOOSH! We're almost done here, Mothra! BEW! BEW! BEW! SWOOOSHA! WOOOSHA! SWOOOOOSH! ONE MORE PIECE OF EVIL SPACE ROCK LEFT! BEW! BEW! BEW! SWOOOSHA! BOOOOMMMM! GOT IT! IT'S BEEN TERMINATED! HASTA LA VISTA, BABY!

[As Mothra]

WAY TO GO AHRNOLD! Let's go tell the others!

[The two action figures fly away TOGETHER… As Ahrnold]

We're BAHK!

[As Mothra]

We got the Comet, Steve! What's next?!

DENNIS

[As Steve Segal]

Well, Mothra… You and Sly can take care of that Earthquake in Antarctica! And since Earthquakes cause Tidal Waves… You should be able to stop that one too! Instantly!

KAITLYN

[As Mothra]

Ok! Got it! Hop on, Rocky!

[HE hands HER GI Joe™… As Sly Stallone]

You got it! Adrian!... I mean… Mothra!

[The two action figures fly away TOGETHER… As Mothra]

Ok! We're here in Antarctica! Now what, Sly? How are we gonna stop an Earthquake?!

[As Sly Stallone]

Well… Umm… You can't get wet right?

[As Mothra]

Nope! I'll die….

[As Sly Stallone]

Ok!... So then… Hmmm…. Well… I GOT IT! We'll fill the crack in the earth with ice! I'll fire my Rambo machine guns and ammunition at the snow to cause an avalanche… and you can…. Ummm….

[As Mothra]

And I'll pat it down with my wings!

[As Sly Stallone]

Yeah! RATATATATATATATAT! RATATATATATATATAT! POW! POW! POW! AVAAALLLAAAAAAAAANCHE! QUICK! USE YOUR LAZER ICE VISION TO MELT THE SNOW DOWN THE CRACK IN THE EARTH! AND THEN FREEZE IT OVER! RATATATATAT! RATATATATATATAT! POW! POW! POW! QUICK! MOTHRA! QUICK!

[As Mothra]

I DON'T HAVE LAZER ICE VISION!

[As Sly Stallone]

YOU DO NOW! RATATATATATAT! POW! POW! POW!

[As Mothra]

OK! BEEEEEEW! BEEEEEEW! BEEEEEEEW! MELT! MELT! MELT! FREEZE! FREEZE! FREEZE! QUICKLY, SLY! QUICKLY! BEEEEEW! BEEEEEEEW! BEEEEEEEEW!

[As Sly Stallone]

WE GOT THIS, ADRIAN!... I mean… MOTHRA! WE GOT THIS! RATATATATATAT!

[As Mothra]

BEEEEEEEEW! BEEEEEEEW! BEEEEEEW!

[As Sly Stallone]

THAT'S IT MOTHRA! LET'S DEMOLISH THE THING!

[As Mothra]

WE GOT IT, SLY! WOOOHOOO! THE EARTH'S STOPPED SHAKING! WOOHOOO! Let's go check to see if the Tidal Wave's stopped, too!

[The two action figures fly away TOGETHER… As Mothra]

The Mediterranean Sea seems pretty calm… I don't see any ginormous waves looming around anywhere... What do you see, Sly?

[As Sly Stallone]

Same here! The Coast is Clear! Literally! HEHEHEH! Let's go!

[The two action figures fly away TOGETHER… As Mothra]

We did it, Steve! We stopped the Earthquake and the Title Wave! What's left?

DENNIS

[As Steve Segal]

WAY TO GO, SLY AND MOTHRA! Ok, now! Only the Volcano is left! Mothra, you and I can go take care of the Volcano erupting in Asia! You guys stay here! And wait for our return! It shouldn't take too long… right Mothra? Hehehe!

KAITLYN

[As Mothra]

Right, Steve! Let's go! Hop on!

DENNIS

Alright!

[KAITLYN extends HER hand out for DENNIS to hand HER Stretch Armstrong™… HE looks at HER as though it really is the end of the world. SHE gives HIM HER biggest smile! HE reluctantly hands Stretch Armstrong™ over to HER… SHE mouths a quiet "Thanks!" and continues on…]

KAITLYN

Ok! So there's the Volcano! Steve… How are we gonna stop a VOLCANO?!

[As Steve Segal]

Well… Let's see… I could Karate Chop it back in!... Pow! Pow! Pow! Just kidding!... I can… Ummm…. I know! I can divert that river over there with my Super-Human- Strength and make it flood the Volcano!

[As Mothra]

Ok! And while you do that… I'll try to cool it down by fanning it with my wings! Swoosh! Swoosh! Swoosh!

[As Steve Segal]

POW! POW! POW! KAPOWEE! HAZAAAAN CHOP! POW! POW! POW! HIIIIIYAAAAH! POW! POW! POW! KAPOWEE! HIIIIIIYAAAAAH! I GOT THIS, MOTHRA! WOOOHOOO! LOOK AT THAT RIVER FLOOOOOW! IT'S WORKING, MOTHRA! IT'S WORKING! KEEP FANNING AWAY AT IT, MOTHRA! WOOOHOOO! We make SUCH a GOOD team, MOTHRA! WOOOHOOOO! HIGH FIVE!

[The two action figures High Five EACH OTHER… SHE sees DENNIS'S reaction out of the corner of HER eye… HE is blinking at her, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, mouth slightly agape… Smiling to Herself, SHE continues on… As Mothra]

YEAH WE DO, STEVE! WOOOHOOO! ROCK ON, STEVE! ROCK ON! WOOOHOOO! LOOK AT US! WE DID IT! NOW LET'S GET BACK TO THE OTHERS BEFORE MY WINGS ARE ENTIRELY BEAT! HAHAHAHA! GET IT?! BEAT! HAHAHAHA!

[The two action figures fly away TOGETHER… As Steve Segal]

HAHAHAHA! GOOD ONE! HAHAHAHA!

[SHE winks at DENNIS! HE just blinks back at HER. SHE hands Stretch Armstrong™ back to HIM. Grateful, HE smiles and returns…]

DENNIS

[As Steve Segal]

Great job everyone! CONGRATS! WE DID IT! TOGETHER… WE SAVED THE WORLD! WOOHOOO! WITH A SPECIAL THANKS TO MOTHRA FOR BEING AWESOME! THANKS, MOTHRA!

KAITLYN

[As Mothra… Making the Action Figure Bow]

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!

DENNIS

[Dramatically blinking up at KAITLYN… BEAT!]

… That was… THAT WAS AMAZING!

KAITLYN

Thanks… You can stop blinking at me now…

DENNIS

[Abashedly]

… Sorry…

KAITLYN

It's ok!... I have an older brother… We used to play with his action figures all the time together… but now he got too old for it… you know?

DENNIS

Yeah… Hey listen… What grade are you in?

KAITLYN

Third… What about you?

DENNIS

Fifth… Third grade? You're my sister's age…

KAITLYN

Who's your sister?

DENNIS

Cynthia

KAITLYN

Cindee?

DENNIS

Yeah…

KAITLYN

Oh ya!... She's in my class… She's… Ummm… Nice… I guess. I don't think she likes me very much… We were partners once at our table… She was kinda mean… and bossy to me… I mean she's nice and all… I like her… but ya… I don't think she likes me very much…

DENNIS

Yeah, she's like that sometimes… Sometimes she can come-off a bit stand-offish or maybe even… mean!... But she's cool, I promise!… Just tell her you talked to me!… That might help!

[HE winks at HER!]

KAITLYN

Ok!... What's your name?

DENNIS

Dennis! And yours…?

KAITLYN

Kaitlyn!…

[BEAT!... SHE looks around THEM… Seeing the other kids starting to line-up to go back inside… SHE changes subjects…]

… I think it's time go in…

DENNIS

Oh yeah! Well, you wanna play again here tomorrow?

KAITLYN

Maybe… I might go home for lunch tomorrow…

DENNIS

Oh, Ok! Well I'll be here!

KAITLYN

With your Action Figures?! You BETTER be here with your Action Figures!

DENNIS

Yeah! Totally! I always have my Action Figures with me!

KAITLYN

Awesome! I had fun today! I'll see you later!

[SHE runs off Stage Right]

DENNIS

[Yelling after HER…]

Me too! Me too! BYE!...

[To himself…]

…And Thanks!

[Black Out!… When the lights come back up, there's a red brick wall with a white double door in the middle of it located Up Center Stage … KAITLYN is standing next to CINDEE on the black-top… pretending to line-up at the door with all the other imaginary kids there…]

KAITLYN

Hey, Cindee!

CINDEE

Yeah…

KAITLYN

I just talked to your brother… Dennis!

CINDEE

[Sincerely]

Oh yeah?

KAITLYN

We were playing with his Action Figures! I was Mothra! And he was Stretch Armstrong™ and Steve Segal… and WE SAVED THE WORLD TOGETHER! It was AWESOME! Your brother's sooooo cool!

CINDEE

Yeah… He's always playing with his stupid Action Figures…

KAITLYN

They're NOT STUPID!... At least, I don't think so!... We had fun! You shoulda been there! It woulda been cool!

CINDEE

[Shyly]

Yeah…?

KAITLYN

Yeah! TOTALLY! We might play there again tomorrow at the bench over there by the silver playground thingy again… if I don't go home for lunch that is… You should joins us! How cool would that be?

CINDEE

Maybe… Sounds like fun I guess… I dunno… I don't usually play with my brother and his Action Figures like that…

KAITLYN

Ok! Well... If you change your mind… I might go home for lunch anyway tomorrow… So ya… But tell your brother I said "Hi!" and that I had a lot fun with him today! When you see him at home later on… Ok?!

CINDEE

Ok! I will… We're gonna go in now…

KAITLYN

Ok! Thanks a bunch! Ok!... Teachers!... Shhh!… I'll be quiet! HEHEHE! WOOHOO!

[To Herself again…]

That CUTE Kid with Action Figures is SOOOOO AWESOME! HEHEHE! WOOOHOOO! WHAT A DREAMBOAT! HEHEHEHE!

[SHE turns to the Audience, breaks the Fourth Wall, and gives them a wink and thumbs up!... BLACK OUT!]

FIN!