Sincerely, Tired

During the blackest of nights,
Under glaring lights that fill my world,
I sit here struggling to write,
Tearing my soul apart bite by bite.

They twirl their scarlet pens,
Wondering why they should hand an invitation
When there are ten thousand other men
Who also want this wait to end.

By an explanation, I say to you:
Let me prove how much I want this,
Let me show what I put myself into,
And maybe there will be some mercy in your review.

I kissed my youth one last time
Knowing I will no see it once more
Until I completed the climb
Of this mountain made of pennies and dimes.

I swore my days to your cause,
With ideals of an angel with a new start,
Studying and working without pause,
Scrubbing my records of any flaws.

At the heart of it, I just want to do what I love
But what I failed to see was
That their will has always been to dispose of
What now is a broken dove.

Skipping applause, they scrutinize every word.
Every sentence and every line
Until they find a passion so blurred
That it might as well been a passion overheard.

"Where did you find such weak passion?"
They would ask of me,
And I would write so clearly in my confession
That it is simply a hazard of the profession.

Competition made me jealous,
Constant sacrifice made me lose spirit,
And checked boxes made me care less.
What else did you expect? Tell me.

Now you sit here on your high mighty throne
Demanding me to prove my worth
As if you hadn't trapped me when I could have flown
And hadn't noticed when I moaned.

I learned to swear I am yours until the last hoop,
And to always jump even when the times were rough.
But what I had not anticipated are the endless loops
That from the start had shunned my group.

Enough is enough. What I can, I will save.
But it is too late. I cannot win this fight.
The road had already been paved.
I had already been enslaved.

So at midnight, I sit here just like the day before last,
Writing my heart out for the opportunity
To enjoy my youth when my days are long past
Until at last, their tests are passed.

There is no sleep for me today.

I'm tired.