You may try to scare me, but I know you

You love me too much to try to kill me

And you'd rather kill yourself than leave me out in the cold

And leave me to the weather and fleas


Drip, drip, drip, I sound like a water pipe

Sometimes, I tempt nature to call you

Your love for me keeps you from throwing me out

As do my funny ear-dos


All night, as I snore, my ears get messed up

My hearing, in one ear, becomes more keen

And yet, somehow, I never wake myself up with my own snoring

Would like it to, if I ever sounded like Robert Earl Keen


Tonight, I snore, and keep you awake

As your thoughts of that boot become strong

Over the back yard, one of these nights, I may soar with ears like a beagle

If my faith in you ever proves wrong


O, I've got a Billion Ways of Snoring

As fat as I get, you KNOW I'll never change

Tonight, I'll drip, drip, drip like a pipe, all the live long night

I'll howl like a coyote all the live long night

I'll pluck banjo strings all the live long night

I'll throw cards like shuriken into a pail all the live long night

I'll saw wood, with noise, all the live-long night

I'll dread soaring across the yard, on the ears of a beagle, with a boot sore on my rump, all the live-long night

Seems so strange...