Today was hard, in fact in my mere existing 26 years on this earth this was probably the hardest day I've had to you ever had to make someone who is your whole world make a decision…a decision that will change them forever. A decision that you know what you want them to choose and with all your might you will try and make them see your way and nothing but you way and then you realise that it's not your decision to make its there's and you just pray, you pray to god that they choose what your willing them to. Yep today was going to suck either way.
"Oh Cal if you've just bought me all the way out here to brood all day we may as well just go home now!"
Her frail hands touched my knees as she knelt down in front of me.
"I'm sorry I'm not meaning to ruin this weekend for you, I just can't help but feel."
I stopped unable to finish what I wanted to say.
"You can't help but feel this may be our last one together."
Her soft voice finished my exact words. She was always doing that, she knew me better than I knew myself.
"Look Mia I'm trying I really am trying to make this perfect for you but I don't know how anymore. I don't know what I can do to make this better."
She lifted her fragile tiny body up to face me. Her eyes were like melted butter scotch such a unique colour, they were the first thing I noticed when I met her back in high school.
Softly she wiped the escaped tear from my cheek as I tried to fight them back.
"That's the thing Caleb we both know there is nothing you can do to make this better. Nothing can make this go away."
Her smile was anxious as she wanted nothing more than for me to agree with her and get on with this weekend like nothing was wrong.
"Mia you know we are going to have to have this talk sooner rather than later don't you?"
"Yes I know but can't we just have this weekend and then we can talk….please Cal I just want to have this one last special time with you, like this like we used to before all of this destroyed our lives."
"Sure I promise I won't mention it again."
I gathered myself together pulling her gently up from the ground. She winced gently not making a fuss as I felt the bones in her body. Mia was always tiny but her tiny frame had just lately faded into nothingness. She was weak and in pain but she was never going to admit that to me. She would paint her bright red lipstick smile on every morning and get on with her usual day to day business.
"So Mr Jackson what do you have planned for us whilst we are here all alone in this big beach house."
She licked her lips teasing me as they glistened in the moonlight.
"As much as I'd like to do that right now I do have something special planned for us tonight but that means you have to go and get ready or we will be late."
I turned her to face the stairs as she sighed playfully.
"Ok but I hope your not insinuating I take ages to get ready."
She pouted as I tapped her bum sending her forward.
"Just go and get ready I have a few things I need to finish up I will be back here to get you in half hour and Mia don't be late."
I couldn't help but smile as she sashayed her way up the stairs. God I loved everything about her and that's why I knew the so called talk would be hard. I knew I promised her we wouldn't do this tonight but it couldn't wait, everyday was a step closer to a decision that couldn't be changed everyday was creeping nearer and nearer.
I tried to steady my breathing as I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. My blue eyes were tired with a sudden hint of boyish nerves to them. I smoothed down my blonde hair to distract myself from what I was about to do.
"You got this Caleb, keep it together."
"Uh hum you do know talking to yourself is the first sign of madness right."
I stumbled as I caught a glimpse of her. She looked astonishing literally taking my breath away. I stepped towards her wiping my sweating palms down my dark navy trousers.
"Amelia you look beautiful."
Her long flowing blonde curls lay effortlessly past her bare shoulders as the electric blue dress hugged her in all the right places. Her earlier frail body looked once again womanly and curvaceous.
"This isn't to much for what you have planned is it. I feel a little bit silly being dressed like this not knowing what you have planned, but then looking at you all dapper I'm guessing we are going somewhere expensive."
She bit her lip as she placed her earring into place.
"You look perfect."
I placed a kiss to her lips as she silently groaned inside.
"You've got lipstick all over you now."
Her fingers brushed over my lips as I laughed.
"Ok come on we haven't got to go far follow me."
I placed her in front of me covering her eyes with my hands.
"Caleb I haven't just spent all that time doing my makeup for you to smear it across my face."
She laughed as I led her forward.
"Watch your step."
I could feel my heart beating so hard I swear she could feel it as she was so close.
"Ok I know you thought we were going to a fancy restaurant but I just wanted to make this special for you I just wanted it to be us for now."
"Cal your making me nervous uncover my eyes."
She bit down on her bottom lip as I slowly removed my hands dropping in front of her to one knee.
"Ok so you probably wasn't expecting this and I know your probably willing me deep inside to get back up….but Amelia Black I wanted to ask you if you will do me the honour of becoming my wife."
My words spilled out faster than I wanted them to. I had had that speech rehearsed for weeks and none of it came out right.
"For once I'm actually speechless."
Her lips pursed tight as she she looked around daunted by the tiny fairy lights I had lit up all the way down to the beach.
"It's beautiful I can't believe you've done this for me. You've made everything so perfect. The beautiful lights the flower petals, the beautiful food."
"Why do I sense a but coming."
I swallowed back the large gut wrenching lump approaching my throat.
"My but is why…why Caleb why do you want to marry me when I probably only have weeks a couple of months at the most."
"Why do you always do that."
Brushing the sand of my knees I stood back up placing the ring back in my pocket.
"Babe please don't get angry with me. I'm flattered I truly am I just can't understand why after all these years together, why now?"
"Just forget I even said anything it was a stupid idea."
The lump had hit hard as my stomach twist and turned in knots.
"Hey we don't do this."
She pulled me back as I turned to face her.
"We don't run away from our problems we stick around and sort them head on, me and you together we sort them as a team."
"That's just it Mia since you found out your are terminally ill you've shut me out. I don't know what your thinking anymore. You don't talk to me you barely can look at me and when you do it's out of pity."
"That's not true Cal and you know it isn't. Your my best friend my soul mate and if I'm honest I know deep down why you've done this tonight."
She took my hand gently squeezing it.
"I've done it because I love you and I know we don't have long left together but what life we do have left I want it to be as husband and wife. Caleb and Amelia together Mr and Mrs Jackson."
"Cal stop please. It's my decision it's not for you to make my mind up on this. You don't need to I already know what I have decided when it's time for me to leave this body."
"This body you talk like you're a robot Mia like your not real like your just an existence."
My voice grew angry I tried to control it but I couldn't.
"Isn't that what we are Caleb sure we have been lucky to not have to have made this choice already but this body is just a shell if I want it to be".
"Stop talking like that,right here right now you are Amelia Black your body is not a shell it's the body and mind and soul of the woman I love the woman who I can't bare to be without."
"Either way Cal whatever one I choose you will be without me."
Her body collapsed to the floor as she sobbed holding her chest.
"Then do this for me. Make the right decision you know if you decided against it, I couldn't bare it my heart would be shattered."
"Caleb….oh my dear sweet Caleb these past ten years have been the best haven't they. We've only really ever had each other this life doesn't really let it be any other way… it's a cruel existence really it makes you rely on people to much it makes you fall hard harder than anyone should ever have to fall, but I'm glad it's been with and only you. That is why I have made the decision to die at peace and not be bought back into this cruel screwed up world. I don't want to live in a world where I don't know you, where I don't have you to rely on. I can't do it and I won't do it….. I'm sorry I truly am sorry."
My heart stopped beating for a mere second as her words spilled out. This night wasn't supposed to end like this. It wasn't supposed to be about her decision, not this one anyway.
"Amelia you don't know what your saying your not thinking straight."
"I've known this even before I become ill I just knew you would never agree to it."
"How can I agree to you giving up on life giving up another chance of happiness."
"I won't be happy because I won't have you."
Her fist beat to my chest as her head stayed buried into my body.
"Mia please look at me. I would rather you choose life and not know me than me knowing that you will never walk this earth again."
"And I don't want to be in a world where you are not with me, I've made my decision and that's final."
Slowly she released my hand and walked away. I couldn't even bring myself to follow,my feet felt heavy like anchors in the was stubborn I knew this but to not even hear my reasoning broke my heart in two. All I wanted was for her to choose life and be happy be that without I could just about handle, this so called decision of hers I couldn't.