It is a simple fact that I do not like cows.

Oh, you wanted an introduction? You wanted to know who I am?

No, fuck you.

See, that's what cows are like. They don't care about you. They don't see you as any different from another non-cow.

So please, someone explain to me why, in the name of the sacred seven-layer dip, the gods decided to start their demigod camp right in the middle of Fuckyou, Missouri, which has more cows than people. And then they got ME to guard it!

Well, I'm not going to turn down Lady Hera's requests, but the least she could do was make me more sword-resistant. Especially if she wanted me to guard demigod kids of Hermes, who, mind you, was the one that killed me to begin with!

Fine, fine, I'll calm down and explain things from the top.

I am Argus Panoptes, also known as Argive All-Eyes. Please, just call me Argus.

Back when Lord Zeus was having affairs with every man and woman under Helios's Sun, one of his flings was with Io, who he turned into a cow when Lady Hera came to investigate. Lady Hera took the cow, I watched the cow, and then Lord Zeus had Lord Hermes kill me so he could get the cow back. That's how Lord Hermes got his "Argeiphontes" epithet, which means "Slayer of Argus" for those of you who don't know.

So forgive me if I sound paranoid about cows, because there's no way to tell when one's a genuine cow or if it's a nymph or human turned into a cow. And if a god's going to come kill me because of the cow.

And now I get brought back from the dead to work as a gatekeeper in ButtFuckNowhere, Missouri, for a demigod camp.

There are a few that go out of their way to be nice to me. The Hera Cabin counselor, Donnelly, brings me snacks from the nearby gas station when they go out and come back.

Most demigods don't give me a second glance. I don't mind that so much. It's hard to wrap your head around me, I suppose, being covered in eyes and all. Even the more jaded demigods don't know what to make of me.

The worst are the children of Hermes who go out of their way to be a nuisance. Especially ones of his Argeiphontes aspect. It's horrible.

There are some that aren't so bad. This summer's group isn't terrible. Jasper is a good leader for them, but I still get uneasy when a new one arrives.

They're almost as untrustworthy as cows.