my test. what now? i like to read...:
Just checking in. Email me if you ever see this (but I
know you won't). 7:14 PM, February 28, 2020
You know, I've managed to see the most beautiful
places. Why can't I see you?
I don't really know what to write these days. Do you
remember doing this assignment, back in the third
grade or so when we were just learning about using
computers? When we'd just gotten our passwords for
our school accounts, everyone found them weird and
promptly told the person next to them the strange
combination of words and letters. After that, the
technology teacher said not to tell anyone our
passwords. We all just stared at each other
awkwardly. Ah, the joys of youth. 8:23 PM, March 1,
An exceptionally hot day for the month, for the state.
There I was, standing on a float, waving at all the
people crowded on the streets.
It's one of the last parades I'll ever be in. Maybe I'll
see a few, far away from here, but I won't be in them;
I'll just watch.
I was on the float, looking for you. And I saw you,
kind of. I saw you, but I didn't recognize you. I can
only wonder how I didn't.
Did you recognize me at all? Was there a flicker of a
name in your mind, or did you just stare and enjoy
You look so different these days, you know.
See? I remember some things. (Then again, you
weren't there when I started forgetting. I keep
forgetting that it's been so long.)
I don't think you'd like me nearly as much as you
used to. Actually, you basically know nothing about
me. I suppose I don't know you either, do I?
I'm just using you to procrastinate, because I know
you're not ever going to see this. I have a paper to
write on JFK, but it's not like you'd care.
Do you ever think of me? I've never met anyone so
bitterly nostalgic as myself. Apparently, nobody
thinks of the past as much as I do. So even if you
did, why would you think of me?
I know you were really religious when I met you. Are
you still? I think I'm more religious than I was when I
Heaven has to be that browning field, next to that
stupid little dip in the ground that always collected
and held water for weeks, so that when you tripped
on it your clothes got all muddy. The cotton clouds
wafting against a background of blue. The
basketball court with those weird red things the
basketballs always got stuck in. The red pit.
I'm always alone when I imagine it. I don't want to be
alone. -1:28 PM, March 5, 2020
It just occurred to me that the last time I ever saw and
talked to you, you said you didn't have this email
anymore. But it's late and I just wanted, needed to call
your phone number, but it belongs to someone else
now. And I don't know how to feel about that. And it
occurred to me that it could be your mother's number,
and that I've still got a chance, but your mother never
In other news, it's crazy how this coronavirus thing
can upend your life, eh? If I'd known I'd be making
hot chocolate with Stevia, water, and cocoa
powder... 1:01 AM, March 22, 2020
We've been in quarantine for a hot while now, right?
I called the number again, and I actually got an
answer instead of that haunting bitterness of a
voicemail. She picked up, and I asked if she'd
ever heard of an A. She said, "No, sorry" and. I
said, "Okay, sorry, have a good day" and she said
"You too" and then hung up.
What's there to say, really? It's not like you're ever
going to see this or respond.
I was at a spelling bee a while back, and of course I
won because I'm smart as hell like that. It was the
district spelling bee, and there was a fifth grader
there that was tall and awkward and reminded me a
lot of you. He was wearing a Naruto sweatshirt, and
of course it wasn't you. I wanted to talk to him, but
the spelling bee went on too long and he left, and just
like you I'll never see him again. I ended up talking tp
the runner-up instead.
How was your Easter?
I'm sure you'd be surprised to know that I hated
Easter for a full three years. I really, really hated it.
And then this past Easter, I managed to get a
girlfriend, and I really love her (gay relationships
move faster than straight relationships; probably
comes with the knowledge of past oppression and,
wow, aren't we so lucky to be alive today?) and
so my Easter was really good.
You know, in the fifth grade you asked me if I was
depressed and I said, "What? No. Of course not,'
and you accepted it. As it turns out, you were very
right. I wonder who could've guessed? The only tip I
gave was being an extremely edgy ten year old, and I
suppose you caught that.
You were a much better friend than I ever was.
D'y'know, it's rather funny. I've become rather
obsessed with California recently, and yet now it's a
constant source of sadness and longing. You see, I
very much wish to go there, but I know that none of
my family really cares for me over there. The only
reason I want to go to California is to get far, far away
from here, and for life to get better. I realized about
three days ago that it will never get better. I have
family there, sure, but they believe my mother
It just occurred to me that you weren't here when
everything started to go so horribly wrong.
So anyway, I want desperately for California, and yet
when I go there I'll be even more alone than I already
I don't even have any friends in California- not really,
anyway. Not anymore, if I ever did (can't remember).
What's more, if I ever go, I'll have virtually no chance
of seeing you ever again.
All of my friends are here, and still, the only people in
the entire world that I wish to get away from are also
here, in this house with me.
My mother threatened to cut contact with me when I
was twelve years old, which was really cool of her. I
couldn't think of anything for a few hours, but when
the numbness finally reached my fingertips and left
my brain, all I could think was that I would be
estranged from my family. Just three days ago, I
realized that she had already done this. I am forever
condemned to hellish loneliness and pain, no matter
where I go. It doesn't even matter if I kill myself at this
point; none of this matters. This is a stalemate that'll
last a lifetime.
No matter where I go or what I do, I will be alone. Or I
won't be alone; I'll have friendships and a family that'll
feel extremely artificial. I'll rely on sympathy.
Would anything even really change now? I
spent last night on the floor in a closet, sleeping
under a towel and several blankets, and I was still
freezing, and I realized that nothing is ever going to
I already rely on sympathy, and I'm already alone in
the world. Forever condemned to hell, both by the
God that I started praying to and my saintly mother.
Who could've guessed that I'd have a problem with
I read all about that Seattle hijacker today. They
really made him out to be a villain. I think he knew the
whole time that no matter what happened, he'd never
come out of this free. I think you could almost tell
when the air traffic controller knew that he wouldn't
be able to talk him down.
I used to fly a lot. You remember that much. I wonder
if I ever saw him anywhere.
I can't go back home, because there is no home and
there never will be. Andy, I really long for those days in
the field, staring up at the cotton clouds. I really wish
we could all go back. I really wish I could've enjoyed
it more, because it's all gone now. We're never going
there again. None of those stupid little games about
the elements. No more childish adventures.
I miss home. I'm not welcome in California, or here.
I'm all alone now. I worry that it'll always be that way.
Ah, wow. The quarantine is really getting to me.
Sorry. Anyway, 45,000 Americans or so are dead. I
really hope you're not one of them. -2:39 PM, April 22,
I'm going to stop using this email soon,
which is really cool, right? There's just no reason to
keep all of this misery anymore (not you, but
everything else). I've had to say a lot of goodbyes
recently and I don't really want to keep them, so I'll
be gone soon. It occurs to me that a normal person
would've just deleted this document anyway. This'll
be one of my last entries; I've decided that I'll
abandon this email account in two weeks or so, but
not now. I guess I could always just come back to it,
but I hope I won't.
I had this horrible dream about you a few months
ago. I'm not sure if I've already written about it but I
guess I'll tell you again. I had a dream that you texted
me back, saying you'd been suffering abuse from
your parents and that's why you never responded to
my text. And then later on I saw you rifling through a
recycling bin for cans, and you looked at me and we
made eye contact and you were so pale and gaunt
and I woke up wondering if that was the last I'd ever
see you, artificially unhappy. Anyway the crazy part
was that you weren't even the main plot of the dream;
in the dream I kept throwing out old soda cans, but
more and more kept appearing and the trips to and
from the bedroom to the garage were getting
The sad thing is that with my ambitions I'll never see
you again, as if seeing you again wasn't already
unlikely enough. I want nothing more than to leave,
all the while wishing I could stay. I think this state is
the best and the most beautiful, and it's unlikely that
my opinion on that will change. I miss this state more
each day, and I haven't left yet. Decisions, decisions...
It's stubborn teenage angst that refused to leave, I
suppose. This will to leave and the will to stay are the
only things I feel strongly now, and no matter what
I do I'll forever be torn apart. How do you cope when
your only options are both detestable?
I think sometimes that the only way to cure myself of
this is to leave the country as soon as I can, but
where would I go? Canada? I could become a
dual-citizen, but I fear that wouldn't be enough.
At the same time, even after I realized this country
does not care for me at all and in fact never will, no
matter what, I still loved this country with everything I
had. America, to those who need it, is a 'best case
scenario' story; it's an inspiration. There were days
when the only love I felt was that of the Bill of Rights,
which is silly and pathetic but completely true. The
Revolution was an inspiration, a heroic tale of
escape, something I could never look up to.
I think that I'll end up paralyzed. I'll stay here, but I'll
be unhappy, and when I go to other places I'll be
even more unhappy. How do you balance out love
and patriotism for the dire need to escape? How does
once cope with the permanent feeling of displacement,
validated only by stays in Holiday Inns and late nights
at the airport? I fear that the only alleviation I'll get
from this horrible loneliness is validation, that I'll only
feel at home in isolation and my only comfort will
be among strangers, in a strange city a thousand
miles away where nobody ever thinks twice about
anybody. I fear that I'll never find home.
When I was younger and Clash of Clans global was
still a thing, I would spend summers nights on global
servers, forging hundreds of connections with people
I would never talk to again. Life is hell, and I could
only pour myself out and feel comfortable among
people I knew I would never talk to again, even
despite the optimistic friends list. Loneliness is only fun
when you can talk about it with random people in the
night, words tinged with concentrated human
desperation. I still remember many of those
conversations, but not the people. Does anyone
Anyway, maybe we did talk at some point, but it'll
never happen again. I think that's mighty sad.
5:07 AM, May 8, 2020
So this is it. I must face up with reality: you're never
responding. Even if you kept your account, you
would've deleted this. You know, like a normal
I think it's time to give up.
4:18 AM, May 20, 2020
Important information: "Andy" is an elementary friend I had, one that I would never see again. He took up much of my thoughts because I was a little dick as a kid and I have no idea, to this day, why he stuck around. This is only formatted the way it is because this was all typed on a Google Document we shared, the first one ever created on one of our accounts, in our tech class in the third grade. Amazing how you remember things like that. I've since abandoned that email account, but I took screenshots of this one-person conversation, and I'm posting it here in the hopes that "Andy" does find me and also so that, were my loving family to take my devices away from me, this would be one less piece of me that they got to take.