I feel as restless as a cannon that is not allowed to fire

And most hold back it's power, it's glory, it's loud, ferocious noise

while the gunshots god-willingly erupt with their savage aura,

pinpoint themselves deeply into flesh,

sprint through metal like a ghost seeping wall to wall,

like a big drop from the top of a roller coaster,

where the sky cannot hold you up any longer,

and down you must go,

straight and narrow like gunshots piercing metal and flying by.

The metal is not resistant to the bullets and I am not resistant to

feeling miserable and wallowed up and wondering where the excitement is

It's dark and dreary and rainy in this town

You work, work, work until you drown

I'm a druggie searching for the next high

that will keep me entertained for the moment,

fixated until I am un-fixated and losing my mind again and again

What shall I do now? Keep reading my book?

Color pages? Go the gym? Write poems?

It's funny how even when you have these choices of obtaining fulfillment

you can get to the point where you see none of them as fulfilling

and the only thing you feel profoundly capable of doing

is crawling to the bedroom

getting into the bed

and staring into the abyss for hours upon end

with your brain turned off

and your mouth sewn shut

and your eyes slightly crunched

and your body immobile

and there is nothing but the noise of air

keeping you company in the room

you feel restless and robotic and you care that others are going out, doing fun things, accomplishing so much

but then you also don't care

cause to keep up with relationships and friendship and everything else

is gruesomely tiring, exhausting.

Mentally draining.

You then shy away from it all and you try to find happiness somewhere else.

So you spend a lot of money

buy all these "cool" "cool" things

(are you satisfied yet?)

looking to every payday

just so you can get out and keep spending a lot of money

to fulfill yourself

to get yourself thru

but then you realize

you spent way too much money

And you're late on your bills and can't keep up with any payments either

The same cycle has just happened again

You couldn't keep up with people and then you couldn't keep up with maintaining necessities

now you're just back to where you started

restless and miserable and a cannon that's not going to be fired any time soon