Sploot Kingdom is BACK!
But it's weirder than ever, and is South Park, Game of Thrones, and Grimms Fairy Tales combined!
Not really but whatever.
Long ago there existed a series of islands in-between two giant waterfalls. These islands were separated.
They were home to sheep and goatherders and little magical living blobs of clay that had been brought to life by fairies, as well as cat people and fox people.
These blobs were known as SNIBBS and raised a gnome by the name of Zync to become a good and brave man with upstanding morals and courage.
The Sacred Cows held the islands together until their monarchy dissolved and a sheep was brought into power.
The sheep was loved by all, his name was Azlamb and his heart was true and he loved his country.
One day an evil force defeated the sheepies. Some brave heroes fought to restore the glory of those early days,
including the fierce warrior Zync the gnome under the guidance of the wise old man Prophet Snudd, whom unlike the other sages did not give a rat's ass
about beard maintence or length. He rescued the sheepies for a short while, but then the corrupt Fannister family took over the lands and united the islands under authoritarian rule.
The Fannisters will soon become cannisters. But wickedness and immorality will most likely still flourish due to a number of reasons.
The lord of the dark dragons and his red robed komodo lizard companion Vale entered the royal throne room.
"Haha, they're gonna think I'm the former sheep king Azlamb come to save them but I'm a dragon in sheeps clothing" said Zasher, donning an Azlamb costume.
"Using all his fleece as well. We really fleeced him for all he was worth!" replied Vale.
"Yes, now, we begin our assault!" said Zasher.
"This is good, this is good, she's drinking coffee" said Vale.
"Roll the film" said Zasher.
"It's called...a cell phone...master, and don't get me started on the Internets" replied Vale.
"Okay, now at three I'm gonna spray the transformation dust" said Zasher.
"I have to go into a trance first. I need a little bit of Rose Bud energy drink" said Vale.
"Here you go," said Zasher, giving Vale the drink. Vale began leaping and bounding across the room.
"Here goes nothing, forget about him. FOR SCIENCE!" said Zasher, tossing the sprinkly dust at the pixie queen.
The king came into the room.
"My you look lovely as ever," said the king.
Zasher and Vale just looked at each other trying to contain their laughter.
"We're uhh-the royal jugglers" said Zasher.
"Yes, that is it. I uhh...pluck it, vuck it, I need a kyropractor-this time one who isn't vegan" said Vale, who was in an isolated corner of the room, exhausted.
The king slipped and fell on the puddle of magic liquid and he too became a cannister.
"Ahem, I would like to remind everyone that Queen Cersei Katheryn Cannister was not originally a cannister at the time of the coronation nor the royal wedding" said the chairman of the meeting.
"Haha. Haha, this is getting good," laughed Zasher and Vale in the audience.
"Their upcoming offspring whom are soon to be born into this world shalt share nothing in common with a common water cannister, we assure you. The cannisters did not make love, the lovemaking happened before that. We think at least, we're not sure" said the chairman.
"Wow," said Zasher.
"This should dissolve the Sploot Kingdom into chaos for sure" said Vale.
"I thrive on chaos" replied Zasher.
"Oh, Zasher, BEHAVE yourself" said Vale, effeminately flapping his arm forward.
The chairman continued to speak.
"Should we be wrong and the king and queen made love while being water cannisters at the same time and will thus have a water cannister baby?
Our monarchy would be at stake, and we must prevent this information from getting out at all costs!" spoke the chairman.
"You think this act was enough to redeem our souls?" asked Zasher.
"We still need to visit the Waterfall of Redemption, remember?" asked Vale.
"Oh yeah, that's right," replied Zasher.
"Well then you handsome devil, let's go there" suggested Vale.
Later, in a remote castle in the kingdom of Doraway:
Queen Nightfold, known to some as Queen Kinjil was a beautiful but wicked ruler with devilish green eyes and shimmering long red hair like spagetti dipped in firey tomato sauce. She was once married to Miguel Klomp Mogwart who was known by most as Mingle the Con Man, due to his mingling with commoners attempting to swindle them.
However, Mingle divorced Queen Carina Nightfold long ago due to a mishap involving a spell that Miss Nightfold exposed him to that caused him to age one hundred years
into the future before he was ready. Now Nightfold was lonely. She had nothing but her guards and weapons and tax money.
She then hatched an idea: She would recruit an ornamental gnome!
Meanwhile, at Prophet Snudd's house, the home of a five thousand year old bearded Merlin type gnome guy.
A knocking was heard!
"Yes? Hello?" asked Snudd. Snudd adjusted his eyes and was amazed to see a fiery hot redhead dressed like Poison Ivy from Batman.
"Oh, pardon me, hahaheh, do I have the wrong address? Please let me in, I have a deliicous task for you, but it's an inside job, capiche? So, wrong address?" asked the beautiful woman.
"It's certainly not Gettysburg," replied Snudd.
"What? Oh, well, I was just dropping by to make you an offer, you don't have to accept but it would break this dear woman's heart
if you didn't! My name is Nightfold, Carina Nightfold Kinijl the first, pardon my marijuana aroma, it's how I entice and entrance my victims-err-clients!" said Carina.
"Oh, Kinjil. I remember you. You asked for a card reading once" replied Snudd.
"I did? Oh, yes, I did. Now I was wondering if you by any chance would be interested in this job!" said Carina, handing Snudd a brochure.
SERVICES WANTED-ORNAMENTAL GNOME.
All five thousand year old men with beards-this is the chance to show you still have a purpose!
Go stand in the courtyard of beautiful temptress Queen Carina and make it appear as though she actually has
something interesting and admittedly strange going on in her life as a retired wicked witch.
You'll have the guarenteed company of all the other ornaments, err old men I've enslaved, err-employed.
You will be fed soda and crackers every five hours. Eat and drink sparingly. When the nightshift is over,
Carina will give you a goodnight kiss, and depending how well you did doing nothing? Maybe even more ;)
Not a nymphomaniac in any way, shape, or form. Love, Carina.
"Strange note," said Snudd. "It looks impure, perhaps I should place a singing bowl over it"
"Ooh-wu-wu-wu-WU! This is the job-the job for YOU!" said Kinjil, her eyes ablaze with psychotic cheer.
"Well, err, I'm still considering" said Snudd, chomping an Ashton Maduro cigar that he pulled out of a golden case.
This was out of character for him. Really.
This Snudd guy is a monk who reads the Upanishads and meditates on giant mounds of clay while floating.
Something went wrong. Maybe he's high?
"It is? Isn't it? You surely couldn't refuse-an offer from me? This offer is highly regarded I'll have you know!" asked Kinjil, looking horrified.
"Wonderful offer, lights up my cigar, but I have a cat to take care of, my little Mooshy" said Snudd.
"Don't worry about her," said Carina, flicking her finger and making Mooshy float in the air.
"Let her go!" ordered Snudd.
"I'm going to make her famous! The famous flying...Mooshy" said Carina. Suddenly she began growling and turning into a black dog
who looked quite vicious. She then quickly caught herself and turned herself back into the beautiful human she appeared to be.
"Pardon me, it's a bloodline thing. We shapeshift into vicious dogs. Part of being in the Nightfold family. Also, I'm allergic to cats" explained Carina.
Meanwhile, in the castle:
"You're not my parents! My mother is Lumeldhia Glowdentissa and my father is Khrondor. And they're cat people-not-not water buckets you cretins!" shouted
Bloomeelia, running for her life.
"We will not have our reputation destroyed! Our real daughter is a bucket! Disgusting! We want a catgirl! A Felorian! Come live with us!" said the water cannister.
"CRETINS! CRETINS!" shouted Bloomeelia. This was actually her favorite word: "Cretin"
Three years later, Bloomeelia the beautiful and sweet cat-girl was sitting in her royal chambers as a fake princess, all decked out
in princess garb and makeup. She looked in her Barbie-esque mirror.
"Please-someone-anyone-write to me! These cretins have me locked up! It's so cretinous of these cretin-like cretins to koop me up in such a cretinish manner!" said Bloomeelia.
"Note for you Miss Bloomeelia. It contains peanut brittle, so watch your teeth" said the courier, slipping a note underneath the door.
Bloomeelia sniffed the note and nearly fainted.
"It's lavender! My favorite" said Bloomeelia. She opened up the note.
I understand your plight must be horrible. The things you're going through...I intend to rescue you.
Until then I will keep writing you love letters. The more love letters you receive the closer I am to rescuing you.
You will not be forced to marry a bucket-this I can assure you.
I will do anything for you and your great beauty.
I shall recruit the help of the one known as Rallassa the OutCast Cat, some call her the Outcat-who lives in the woods, fends for herself, and carries a shotgun.
She lives on the only island not united by the Cannister royalty, and she says her island is bigger than any of the others. I'm not sure if that's true but she says it.
Cuddles and kisses,
Jumple the Fox.
"Oh my. And that's his picture. He's so dreamy, the Superman to my Lois Lane, the Frank Butler to my Annie Oakley, the Dale Earnhardt to my Latane Brown, the Lone Ranger to my Tonto" said Bloomeelia.
A guard opened up the door.
"WHAT?" shouted the guard.
"Na-nu-nothing," said Bloomeelia, hiding the note behind her back.
Meanwhile out in the woods of the Sploot Kingdom, a lone catgirl of the same species as Bloomeelia but much more reckless
was out firing her gun at some cans of vegetable targets in the far distance.
"Aim for that high mark, you can do it!" Rallassa muttered to herself. She then screetched and hid in one of the vegetable cans when she heard a noise.
"You're scared of me but not the damn bullets huh?" said Jumple J. Foxglove.
"I don't want your donations. I'm not running for president anymore," said Rallassa, as her butt shook around in the can.
Jumple lifted her out by her tail.
"Thank you. Thank you very much, Rallassa has left the building" said a frustrated Rallassa, covered in soup.
She leapt out of Jumple's grip and shook all the wet glop off of her, brushing dirt and tomatoes off of her filthy skirt.
"So, how is life on the edge?" asked Jumple.
"It's great. Everyone else in the kingdom is so concerned with politics. They're all thrilled cuz of what the two reptoids did to the royals, but
I can see beyond it. Their motives were selfish, and it's all theatre, a cartoon puppet show for the masses while the elite rob us of our tuna and salmon, as for me I live off-grid, reckon it's smarter, specially when this island is big enough to support the entire universe" said Rallassa.
"What do you mean it's all theatre? Cartoon puppet show? The king and queen were transformed into water cannisters for crying out loud
and you don't care?" asked Jumple.
"Use your noggin," said Rallassa, firing a shot at some succulent mouth wateringly sensual savory lentils and lima beans.
"Oh, I guess that DOES sound like a cartoon puppet show" said Jumple.
"Nah-huh. Meow. M-E-O-W. You got it buster" said Rallassa.
"So was it hard growing up this way?" asked Jumple.
"Being an orphan was hard yes. But I had a caretaker who taught me to sew, hunt, wiz-litterbox only, and do my own laundry.
To be continued...
To be continued...