The stereotype of a feminist who demands equality and will happily burn bras, refuse to shave and adorn herself –that's me.
Do I hate men? Sometimes
Am I a lesbian? No
Do I have a problem with lesbians? No
How did I get indoctrinated by the feminists? Was it Hollywood? Main stream media and the west? College? My mother? Crazy aunt?
No to all of the above.
As a woman of privilege I don't claim to be the universal voice for all women across the world.
My story is a simple story but it's a long story so strap in.
As a child I had it all- the frilly dresses, I loved listening to fairy tales and dreamed of my Prince Charming and our wedding. I enacted the scenes with my Barbie dolls and aimed to be beautiful like her. People even told me I was prettier than the Barbies and would grow up to be a beautiful young lady that every man will desire
Puberty hit and people congratulated be on becoming a young woman and now advised to be more careful.
1) Don't be alone with too many boys. Not a problem I was in an all-girls school anyway.
2) Put on sunscreen protect your skin. Reasonable we are in India it's a tropical climate
3) Start shaving. Ok! So that's why I have not seen any actress/model or adult woman with underarm hair! We shave. Will do no problem
Every time there was a party even if it was just a family function I would dress to the nines. Pretty dress, make-up, jewellery and all that jazz. People always said I was pretty and my parents would beam with pride. I was thrilled because what girl doesn't like being pretty? It was at these events I'd see hairy boys in T-shits and jeans stinky socks and hogging meals. They were asked how their studies were going and what they wanted to become when they grow-up and to be polite I was asked the same.
The boys said they wanted to be doctors, astronauts, aero-space engineers, scientists and I wanted to be Miss World. Some of the boys were doing well with their studies and some were not the adults offered them advice on how to better study and attain their goals. I was doing ok with my studies and advised to eat my veggies.
One day I didn't comb my hair and everyone said I looked bad even the stinky boys. I felt bad for days and swore never to make the same mistake.
When my grades started slipping in school a friend told me not to worry too much all I needed to was find a rich guy and all my problems would be solved. So I researched what made a good wife and found that a good wife
Always listens to the husband because he's always right and knows best
Be a good cook
Keep the house clean
Look after the kids and in-laws
All looked do-able so far. I was excited and so ready for this marriage so to prepare I looked to my mom for how to be a good wife and mother.
She would wake up at 4 am to prepare our lunch and breakfast. Woke me and my brother up at 6 am to get ready because we had to be in school for piano classes at 7:30. She would drive us to school 12 km away in 15 minutes with washed clothes in a huge bag that she would dry in the backyard of the playschool she ran out of our grandparents' house.
From 9:30 till 12:30 she would teach children from ages 2-4 years. After the last child was picked up she would nap, shop or help out my grandparents and then come to pick us up from school by 4 and we'd be back home by 5:30 or 6 depending on traffic. Once home my brother and I would change and play for a while then she would make us do our homework and get dinner ready for everyone and afterwards we'd all watch TV for a while before sleeping.
My mother was and is my role model because if I could be half as good as a wife or mother she is I'd be good. So I aspired to be just like her because not only was she a home-maker she even contributed to the finances which gave my brother and I a wonderful childhood. We never had to ask for anything everything was given to us on a platter.
There was another thing I had to do to be a good wife and that was to be pure until my wedding night. I thought sure its sounds romantic and it's special. They say you never forget your first. The thing is even though I had no arguments and went along with everything the nuns in our school were paranoid because apparently young Indian girls were being corrupted by the west having sex left right and centre and getting pregnant or STD so they would constantly remind us that we can say no to sex if we are not ready and if our boyfriend pressurizes us to have sex he doesn't really love you. A real man will wait for you to be ready and respect your decision to be a virgin till your wedding night. That made sense to me too and I figured it would be a great way to know a guys feelings about you is he just after sex or does he truly love you? The boys I knew also thought the same they said if he truly loves you he will respect your decision no matter how hard it is for him. So I asked if their girlfriend wanted to wait what would they do? They said if they loved her they'd wait if they didn't they'd find a girl who didn't mind having sex because if the girl is up for it why not?
I hated those girls it was because of them I wasn't getting any guys. If all the girls had the same morals we'd have a level playing field those girls were cheating! So I came to accept that I might not marry a virgin but I was going to stay one and be a good wife and eventually a good mother
So what changed me from the perfect woman to the feminist monster of mens nightmares?
The question of consent everyone grapples with. The whole reason for the Times-up and #metoo
What is consent?
On the one hand I was told it is ok to say no. it is my right as a woman and a human being to say no to sex if I'm not ready. On the other had I was also told to always listen to my husband so if he wants sex I have to give him sex because that is all he is asking in return for giving me a good life. So I need to shut up and take it and who knows? Maybe I'd even enjoy it and it won't be a chore that would make me the luckiest woman in the world.
I thought I should be prepared so just to know how it feels I pushed my index finger up my vagina no lube no foreplay and it hurt like hell! I cried out in pain as I doubled over trying to sooth myself. It felt like a knife had split me in two. I panicked thinking I was no longer a virgin and had actually destroyed my precious hymen but there was no blood and I waited for days no blood came the pain lasted only a few hours and was a dull throb for a while. I was too afraid to tell my mother so I checked google and found out that I needed to be properly prepared or it would hurt and I was like
No shit Sherlock!
I asked a couple of guys who had sex if it hurt for them and they said no its only oral sex that might hurt if they girl uses her teeth wrong. That resulted in an awkward conversation about what is oral sex and I should be open to it because its what guys love
So now my criteria for husband changed. Now I didn't care if he was rich or poor my grades were ok I could get a job I just needed a guy who
1) would wait to have sex after marriage
2) be willing to engage in foreplay
3) be ok not having sex if I was not in a mood
4) did not want oral sex on a regular basis
I figured out quite fast that I was going to have to chuck 3 and 4 because it became clear that no sane man will agree to that. Everyone was fine with number 2 and number 1 was a coin toss. Every date I went on was the same. The guys praised me for being great marriage material because I was pretty and I knew my place. I would take care of the house and have my own job till we have kids and then I would take care of them and when they are older find a job that I can do while also managing the kids. Just like my mom did. But as time went on they would always want to have sex even though I told them I wanted to wait for marriage. I was often told that was an outdated belief and people do it all the time and its no big deal but I remembered the pain and was always terrified. Whenever a guy broke up with me I'd console myself saying he's not the one he didn't love you for who you are.
I turned 20 and that's the age people around you start asking you about marriage. When are you getting married? Do you have a boyfriend? I know someone go meet him and see. The Miss World thing didn't work out buy my lifelong dream prince charming and marriage could come true any day now! I dreamt what my married life would be like. I would wake up every morning with my husband get ready and prepare the breakfast and lunch we'd both go to work and I'd come home early to tidy up the house and have his favorite dinner cooking. He would walk in and smell the delicious food and kiss me saying I'm the best wife ever and after dinner we'd make love and he'd be gentle with me. I didn't think there was anything wrong with what I thought some days I have the same dream but the more I thought about the more I realized that my dream was impossible.
After a full day in college I barely had energy for homework let alone cleaning the house or cooking dinner. I often oversleep and barely have time to get ready let alone cook breakfast or make my own coffee. I asked my mother how she does it all and she said you do what you have to do and with time you get used it. That was the exact same thing other girls told me about sex it will hurt in the beginning and over time you'll get used to it.
Over time you'll get used to it
Over time you'll get used to it
Over time you'll get used to it
Why the FUCK should I have to get used to it?