Note: So actually typing this all out and putting it out there is kinda helping me so I'm gonna keep doing it. Some from now on each "Chapter" will address one of my actions that I know was fucked up.
TW: Alcoholism and a mention of self-harm.
Let me preface everything moving forward with this:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my actions and how I treated you. I'm sorry for everything I did after. I'm sorry for not being a better person and friend for you. I'm sorry for failing you, for hurting you. I'm sorry that instead of being a safe space for you, I was the absolute opposite. You dealt with a lot of shit and then my shit on top of it and you should have never had to. I regret so many things but above all else I regret hurting you. I've apologized before but it was a horrible apology and I really hadn't learned anything. But you deserve a real fucking apology, not a half assed one. In an ideal world, I would be telling you this either by text or face to face but I promised nearly a year ago that I wouldn't reach out to you unless absolutely necessary. I promised you that any further communications were in your hands and I'm sticking to that. So I'm putting this out into the universe instead of hassling you.
When everything went down initially in the Spring/Summer of 2017, I was in a horrible place mentally. With undiagnosed and untreated depression and anxiety and a burgeoning alcohol dependency, I wasn't handling it well.
Which is of course not an excuse for my behavior. At the end of the day, even though I was in a prolonged state of mania, my actions were my own. Looking back, I can see now how toxic my behavior was. I relied on you to pretty much keep my mental health in check. That was terribly unfair of me. You had (and possibly still have) your own mental health struggles and that last thing you should have had to deal with was my own. And I'm very sorry for that. I truly regret how I treated you.
We both know my behavior only got worse when I would get drunk, and since I was using alcohol to self-medicate, I was drunk a lot. After everything that happened, my drinking only got worse from there. I'm proud to say I have officially been sober now since October of 2019. Since today is June 6th of 2021, that's a year and 8 months. While a part of me misses drinking, the part of me that hates who I would become when I got drunk heavily outweighs any other part. My alcohol dependence was my form of medicating but it was also my form of self-harm.
I'm medicated now. I take anti-depressants for my depression now and I'm actively looking for an LGBT+ friendly counselor/therapist.
After the initial confrontation I did delete you on all social media. I made a rash decision in doing so and I really regret it. I ran from having to see anything involving you but that just made me obsess even more. I won't lie, I did obsess heavily in the first year or so. It was unhealthy as hell. And it doesn't make sense but I convinced myself that deleting you was also a way to protect you. I convinced myself that if I delete you, you wouldn't have to see anything involving me. Which I now know was dumb as hell but that's how I made it make sense to myself. When really it was just me running from being hurt, which just hurt me in the end.
Now to address the obvious, I have only recently seen the post you made in the immediate aftermath. I hadn't been on this site since I realized you were seeing all the messages I had sent (that's going to be addressed in another "chapter"). I recently signed back on to delete the messages I had sent you. In the process I went to your profile and I saw the post you made. Now I don't expect you to ever see this, but if you do, okay. I'm not doing this to make you want to be friends again. I know that'll never happen. But this is helping me properly process and deal with my actions. So that's why I'm doing it.
So with that, I'm gonna leave this "chapter" here.