There are those times in our lives when we wake up and wonder what the point in getting up is. So many days pass us by that may seem pointless and out of nowhere. Then out of the bleakness, a song comes on the radio and pulls us back to reality. Today, this song was One Night by Picture This, the awfully familiar tune, pulled me back. It reminded me of my girlfriend, of all the happiness she'd created in me.
For I woke up in a peak of despair, about the point of life, I watched a good film about the sanctity of the male gender. In some circumstances it is the kind of love story that has me doubting myself; doubting whether I made the right choice. That men aren't weird ineffable creatures with no sense. That men can really be worth something, but no. No I didn't make the wrong choice, men may be worthy, but it's not about choice, is it?
It's about how I feel, how I've always felt, how I know deep down in my soul, I will always feel. It's ineffable – that's my favourite word meaning, ineffable, it means unexplainable, bit like me really. Bit like this so called 'choice' how can it be a choice when it makes life so much harder and so much more wonderful at the same time.
It's a bit like Alice in Wonderland, Alice, she walks through a magical land where all sorts of crazy things happen to her, and that land is like the 'choice' it's the journey of self-discovery one travels upon to reach their final goal. Who they will in turn decide to date or not date in some cases. Alice is walking through Wonderland and all the people she meets are powerful, and meaningful and important, and they share powerful messages with her. Lessons they've learnt along the long road of life. And each of these characters changes her in some small way, but in the end, she becomes wiser. Each message bringing forth new ideas – new channels of exploration she never thought were possible.
And then she emerges, as if from a dream – except it is a dream and suddenly real life is awaiting on the other side. And no matter how long you've been in the dream state somehow everything has changed and yet nothing has. You're the same person you've always been and yet, now you can see things so much more clearly, like the colours have suddenly brightened. When you finally live through the other side of the 'choice' the you that has been on the inside the whole time is now laid bare. Laid out for everyone to see, like you've been turned inside out. And all the thoughts, all the things you never understood about yourself are now not thoughts anymore but real ideas, and like the dream you can touch them.
So the 'choice' is not really a choice, it's a journey of self-discovery, something you don't enter into lightly and yet you don't decide to make the 'choice' it somehow stumbles upon you and is in being. And then you're dreaming with Alice, she's giving you all the advice and you're falling down the rabbit hole, deeper and deeper until you fall onto that pile of pillows at the bottom, and nothing is ever the same again.
So to sum up this craziness; people do not choose to feel, emotions are made inside our crazy heads and when the 'choice' falls into you, it is not a decision to be made but a beautiful, life-lasting understanding of oneself. The realisation that you can be and do and say and you'll be fine. That you can love whoever comes across you or be the person you were born to be, the insides are turning out. My insides are yellow, like a sunflower. What about yours?