All I wanted, my entire life, was just to be loved and accepted for who I am.
I know what youre thinking, "Everyone feels like that", but I'm not everyone.
I was lonely when I was younger. I had a brother and sister, but they were much older than me. Mostly because they were from my mum's previous marriage. So they were hitting their teens as I was hitting kindergarten. So they were off, doing their own thing, being with their friends.
While I was on my own a lot.
My dad, who has always been hardworking, used to do long 12 hour or more shifts, so I didn't see him as much as I'd liked. And mum… being mum, was more career orientated than anything. But in saying that, she was also possessive. Like… to the point I wasn't allowed to go out the front door, even in my teens.
But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself.
My point is, I had a very lonely childhood. I couldn't hang out with friends (that my mum didn't approve of) outside school. And although I knew I was loved in some way by my family, I never really felt that as much as I should have growing up.
It might be silly, but the one thing I do remember, which made me feel unloved more than anything, is the day my siblings and I were at my grandmother's house. They were fighting, and suddenly I was dragged into it.
They kept yelling at each other, and said you take her, I don't want her.
I was literally just being shoved back and forth, one sibling throwing me at another, and I didn't even know what they had been fighting about.
All I knew was neither of them wanted me around back then.
And all I wanted… was to be loved.
I had a couple of guy friends at school, but as soon as the word "cooties" was thrown around, I was shunned. After that I kind of floated, I existed. I found friends in other years, but I never really felt accepted.
I felt so damn lonely. And the feeling and needing to be loved… to be accepted just grew. The hole in my heart grew deeper and heavier.
It kind of got worse as the last year of primary and the first year of high school hit. I had a crush on a boy, and because I hadn't had the chance to talk to anyone about these kinds of things, I handled it poorly. I guess it came off more creepy than anything. I guess you could say I "stalked" him a little. I used to hang just out of sight where he used to be with his friends around lunch and all that, and I wrote in my little diary about my future hopes and dreams.
Yes, looking back this was dumb… I even knew that later on in high school. But I just didn't have anyone to talk to about these kinds of things.
And then came my best friend in year 7. She seemed to have more knowledge about boys than I ever could have. I guess she needed me too, and it was nice to have a friend.
But I knew I could never measure up to her. She was tall and pretty and I was a short blonde mess of a girl.
No one seemed to like me. I think the boys, after the issue with my first crush, probably thought I was creepy. And I got that. Plus, having a best friend that just seemed so sure of herself made me feel I would never find someone.
And then… my first boyfriend.
Now I could not ever fault him. He may have been the first boy to break my heart, but it was with good reason. I was too needy, too clingy. I needed to be needed. I needed to have someone bring the same kind of love I was ready to give. But… it was just not the right person or the right time.
And we were only thirteen at the time.
But… sadly it only went downhill from there.
My second boyfriend scared me. I honestly didn't think I wanted to be with him, but was kind of pushed into it a little. He was the first of only two I broke up with. Don't worry, he got his revenge on me years later when, being the stupid idiot I was, dated him a second time.
The third thought he had the right to touch what wasn't his without permission. I broke that one off fast.
Between the third and fourth, I crushed on a guy I shouldn't have crushed on. He really made me feel like I would or could be something. Besides his… what I thought was ex… hanging around, he seemed to just be into me.
I had the tiny hope that he was someone who may have wanted me. But that was crushed when an event happened which blew my whole world up in just a few weeks.
I felt more lonely and unwanted after this.
Honestly I didn't think anyone would want me after all was said and done. But… then I got a letter.
Insert boyfriend number 4.
Little did I know his interest in me was only stemmed from the fact he thought I was "easy". Rumors used to get around pretty fast, even before internet.
Five months in, and I got dumped hard. It was like someone belted me in the face with a frying pan. I didn't know it was coming, and I didn't want to believe it.
Not only did he tear my heart to shreds, he took my best friend away from me and started dating another girl. Which my then former best friend decided to try and help him by flaunting this new relationship in front of my face.
It was hard. Like very hard.
And once again I felt alone.
All I wanted was to be loved by someone. And all I felt was used because someone spread a rumor I was… easy.
When I left high school, I had no friends. Well, not really.
I had one friend who, unbeknownst to me, was only hanging around to try and get in my pants. I barely saw him anyway so I didn't really pick up on it until much later.
In this time, I was catfished by a girl. And if you're reading this, yes I know everything. No, I will never forgive what you did to me.
She made up this whole life which I believed, cause I was so damn gullible. She made up this guy, which I also believed was true. I guess my desire to be loved at that point ruled out all the red flags, all the warning signs. All the things I should have been looking out for.
She made me believe this guy was going to come and see me. Fly overseas and see me. I was such an idiot to believe it was true, but I was holding so strongly onto that hope that someone out there loved me enough, that they would do anything for me.
All I wanted was to be loved. By someone. By anyone.
But then… she took that away from me. And not nicely either. She made up another girl who she shoved into the picture, and made me think he'd gone and gotten with her and told me "oops, sorry… I don't actually love you"
This broke my heart to pieces back then. It was cruel, and it was heartless of a thing to do. The nights I cried myself to sleep, I cried to her and I got lies upon lies.
It is hard for me to admit this, for me to write this, as looking back now I was such an idiot. But, I just wanted someone to love me for who I was. For someone to accept the good and bad parts of me.
I just didn't want to be alone any more.
Once the catfish was revealed, that part soon slowly vanished. My life started to pick up again.
Five years after my last real boyfriend, another came along. But it was just the first in a line of horrible relationships that really just destroyed me.
I lost my virginity to him, which I regret every day. There was no love there. It was just convenience. It was just… I was there. And when I outlived my usefulness, he was also gone.
It just kept getting harder from there. I redated the guy from high school, got dumped after a niggling little argument. The argument was about me needing him… once.
I could tell he never really loved me. If he was willing to cut ties after one silly argument.
The next was a lying, cheating bastard. Yes, you heard right.
He took what wasn't his to take. And I thought it was ok cause he was my boyfriend. I said no, he kept going. And yes, this is very hard to say but I refuse to give him that power over me anymore. There was no love there. It was, once again, convenience.
Thankfully there was a savior on the horizon.
Or what I thought was a savior.
I think he was just someone who needed something to hold on to, like I did.
We connected, we talked, we spent time together. The first few months blew by, and I thought I'd found the one. We loved, we had fun, we confessed our feelings to each other.
He proposed and I thought "Finally! I can be loved the way I want to"
He was scared of living his life, because friends and family told him what he should be doing or saying. My emotions came last. It was all about taking care of him and his needs.
It was draining. It hurt every time I wanted to cry and be comforted, but couldn't. it would set his mental condition off and I would be blamed for not making him happy.
That last year was the worst. And it only lasted a year and a half, which had been my longest relationship. It made me feel like I was never going to be good enough for him.
And I wasn't. I gave the ring back, in hopes of salvaging our relationship…but sadly that was the end.
We tried to be friends, but his friends obviously didn't like that, and made him take stabs at me whenever they could. So, I had to step away.
I feel like I'd wasted all that time. I had gained weight, and I had lost all confidence.
Who would ever love me?
Not the next one… although he was another who was fighting his own battles at the time. It is hard to say I fell for him, but it was never returned. But out of that, I at least got some form of friendship.
Just not love.
The last made me believe he loved me. He wanted me. He made me think I was important to him.
I was such an idiot.
As soon as those three words came out, it was the beginning of the end. A short relationship, but one that finally made me give up. It ended in a massive fight, followed by upset and tears.
Once again, there was no love.
At this point I was broken. Completely.
I had no belief, and no faith in anyone.
Any time someone took an interest, it just felt hollow. It came with strings, or a price.
One wrong word? Gone.
No, I don't want just sex. Gone.
No, I don't want an insta-relationship. Gone.
For those that don't know the last one, it means someone who wants a partner without even meeting them. Who would rather just get with someone to be with someone, rather than taking time to get to know someone, or being alone.
One man took an interest. Although he became more of an obsessed stalker than anything. I felt like he was trying to control me.
We started out as good friends. But… I had been through too much to fall back into that line of "he likes me, I like him, let's get together"
I said no, but apparently no was not the right word. And he disliked any other males within my vicinity. I took to not telling him where I was going or who I was hanging out with. I felt controlled, I felt like I was always wrong. He attempted to dictate what I should do with my life. Who I should see and such.
And then he joined my martial arts class, and I could not have hated him more. All I wanted to say was "I think I know why your last girlfriend broke up with you from overseas, you ass" But… I didn't.
After this, it felt like love was not on the cards. That it never would be. Especially if I had to deal with someone like him. Or someone like one of the last exs.
I stopped wanting. I stopped believing.
I gave up, and just did what most people do. Have friends with benefits.
Sadly the "friends with benefits" thing failed me as well. Some tiny part of me, still wanted to be wanted… wanted love, wanted to be seen.
I let someone take complete advantage of my hospitality. Screwing with my mind more than anything. And he was sleeping with a pregnant woman as well, who had a partner. Of all things.
And here I thought I was special. That someone had taken notice and I was important.
But… again I was wrong.
This was the point where I had started to let the universe know I was ready. I wanted more than this.
By this time, I had been single for five years.
In that five years I had learned so much, but also knew if I wanted to be with someone, then I would take my time choosing and being with someone. I wanted someone who could accept me. All of me.
The depressed me. The sad and anxious me. The bad times, as well as the good times me. The hyper me, the me that snorts at something funny. I needed all that to be accepted.
After all I was putting my heart out again. My broken, patched together with sticky tape and staples heart.
I just wanted to be loved.
I was so scared, and so hesitant. A new suiter came along, and he was perfect it seemed. He seemed to like who I was. But… it just felt wrong. As wonderful as he was, it felt like my heart wasn't ready to take that chance.
But then another came along. Someone from my past. Someone I never expected to find me again, least of all on a dating site of all things.
But… he did. And I only saw him as a friend back then. Which made things easier.
We agreed to meet up, and hung out for a bit. We talked about school and all the people we used to know.
I felt no pressure, I felt no need to be anyone else but me. I felt no need to dress up or wash my hair or make myself anything else but myself in front of him.
This thing which started as friendship, grew slowly but surely. As I said, I felt no pressure. And I felt like he wouldn't push anything I didn't want.
And at first, I didn't. At first, I was just happy with our friendship, and enjoyed the comfort of having someone strangely familiar around.
I could just be me. He was just him.
One night I was sick, and he offered to come and just be a presence and give me a hug and be there. And in my fevered brain I let him come see me.
He kissed me. And that kiss changed everything.
I was still so hesitant to trust. I was still so scarred from the past, I hesitated and opened a small door, but I didn't let him in all the way.
And then we started baring our souls to one another, and I didn't feel afraid. I felt comfortable, not scared. I knew in that sense he would never hurt me intentionally, not like that.
But then the emotions started. And kept growing.
I fell hard.
Little did I know he did too.
On the emotions rolled until they became a relationship.
It wasn't perfect, but I felt like I should take the chance. I felt it was time to try again.
Our first fight was hard, but he still stayed.
The honeymoon period came and went… all the while I waited, scared, that it would end.
That he would find another girl and be the end.
I watched carefully, always concerned and worried it would be like the rest.
He would be like the rest.
But… he stayed.
And he still stays. Even through the worst. Even through this whole global situation where tension is high and emotions are charged.
He loves me. He wants me.
He wants to be with me for who I am. He loves my flaws.
He loves me when I'm depressed. He hugs me when I'm sad. He tells me that even if he is angry, he still loves me.
And this is all the love I wanted.