"Do You Sell Duck Food?"
Created by The Spectacular SpiderDom
One bright morning in the middle of the night…
There walked a male who wasn't so bright.
The dark-skinned man stood at a medium height and had emerald, green eyes. His hands were stuck inside his denim blue-jeaned pockets and his black dance shoes tapped against a large puddle on the ground. Zipping up his green sweater, he covered up his navy-blue shirt and released a loud yawn. Stepping into a beige crosswalk, he finally left the parking lot and arrived at a building that stood two stories tall and was made out of red bricks. On the very top of it stood its title, "Le Tools."
Walking inside, his eyes widened, and he nodded his head, surprised by how small the interior was compared to the exterior. Nothing more than a wide array of shelves holding different equipment meant for home improvement, garden supplies, and house plants in the far-right corner
Closing the door, the man looked around the area and scratched his bald head, noticing the walls were beige and that the ceiling was a murky white color. Mold was seen in certain areas, some of the tiles had cracks in them, and other tiles were just completely missing. How could this have happened?
The man didn't bother answering that question, as he approached a blue and orange-colored counter and saw another brown-skinned man with wavy blonde hair and bluebell eyes. He wore a red shirt with the store's name in the right corner and he had navy blue shorts with black boots. But the strangest part about him was that he had a left green sock and a pink right sock. Both of them were covered in glowing neon orange stripes and red stars around the ankle part.
The cashier did nothing but play on his cell phone until he looked up and gasped. Tossing his phone to the side, he heard the sound of glass shattering and a cat screaming.
"Good afternoon, Sir," he greeted. "My name's Ronald Stark and welcome to Le Tools. How may I help you?"
The customer cleared his throat and leaned against the blue counter; unaware he was laying on a wet coffee stain. "What's up, man? Name's Parker Carson."
Like I really needed to know that, the employee rolled his eyes.
"And I gotta ask… do you sell duck food?"
Ronald raised his blonde eyebrows. "I beg your pardon?"
"Hmm, perhaps you didn't hear me."
Parker then reached into his pocket and pulled out something the bored employee didn't expect to see…
…a giant bullhorn with three smaller bullhorns taped to it.
Clearing his throat, Parker took a deep breath and shouted, "I SAID, DO YOU SELL DUCK FOOD!?"
Every single window around the store shattered into pieces and every customer got down on their knees, holding their ears in agony. Even the glass that made up the door broke, and every piece scattered across the floor. Ronald's body shivered as if he'd just seen a ghost. His pupils shrank to the size of ants, his eyes popped out of his sockets, and his hair stuck upward.
After watching the customer place his horn away, he fixed his hair and exhaled with relief.
"Um… no, sir. We don't sell any duck food here. You'd have to go the pet store for that."
"I did and they told me they didn't have any."
Ronald raised an eyebrow. "W-what?... You're telling me they told you no?"
"But… they're a pet store."
"So, you think they'd have duck food… unless they were out of stock or something."
"Nope, they weren't out of stock. They told me they don't carry it despite selling ducks as pets."
Ronald lifted his other eyebrow, and he scratched his head. "So, wait… you went to the pet store, which sells ducks as pets… asked them if they had duck food, and they told you they don't carry any duck food at all?"
"Ironic, ain't it?"
The blonde employee rubbed his hands together and looked at the ground for a brief moment. "Well, I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but we don't sell duck food here. This is a tool shop. If you want, I can help you set up a Le Tools credit card so you can save up to twenty-four dollars on your next purchase."
"Don't try and upsell me, stupid. I want to know if you have duck food," Parker grunted.
"Dude, I just told-" Ronald replied with the same tone, but he stopped to take a breath. Closing his eyes and taking a moment of peace, he opened them back up and smiled. "Sorry, Sir. We don't have duck food."
"Oh… okay then, goodbye."
Parker waved to the man before he approached the door.
Even when it was broken, he still opened it and walked through it.
Ronald looked at the flood of glass on the ground and moaned.
The next day…
Due to the damages caused by Parker last night, Ronald found himself doing the worst job possible, cleaning up. With nothing but a toothbrush and a plastic cup in hand, he slowly brushed a few shards inside the cup and tossed them into a recycle bin beside him. In the process, a woman in a purple dress walked through the door but immediately stopped upon seeing the mess.
"Oh, pardon me," she said kindly, as she stepped over Ronald and walked down one of the aisles.
Even though he didn't get a good look at her face, the sweet sound of her tender voice was enough to make Ronald smile flirtatiously.
Just as he went back to work, another customer arrived in the store.
"Excuse me," he asked politely. "Do you sell duck food?"
"No, sir, we don't… wait a second," Ronald looked over his shoulder, only to see Parker Carson in the flesh. "Did… didn't you come here last night?"
Parker shrugged. "Nope."
"Yes, you did," Ronald replied, getting up on his feet. "You came here asking for duck food last night."
"Okay… do you guys have it?"
"Dude, I don't want to sound rude, but can you read?"
"Eh, I was never big into books. I'm still trying to get past Green Eggs and…" Parker paused, stroking his chin. Tapping his forehead, he tried to remember the last thing he read but he couldn't think of it. "I don't know, something. I couldn't get through the title."
"Well, Sir. I'm going to explain this as kindly as possible. This is a tool shop… A. Tool. Shop. This means we sell tools like hammers, screwdrivers, wrenches, pieces of sheetrock, and we even have plants in the corner. By the way, we're having a sale on all shrubs and roses; hydrangeas, perennials, and grasses aren't part of the sale just in case you're curious."
"Oh, fascinating… so, where's the duck food?"
Ronald facepalmed. "We don't carry it here."
"Oh, all right… goodbye."
Parker walked towards the door, which gave Ronald the chance to get back to work.
But just before the former left, he turned to the employee and pointed to the right. "By the way… you missed a spot."
Ronald's face turned red, and he glared into the distance, gritting his teeth in secret.
The next day after that…
After cleaning up the mess and paying some guy to repair all of the windows, Ronald finally got a chance to sit back at the register and read a comic book. On the cover of the book was a white-skinned French American superhero with a suit made of royal blue leather with two black straps running down his shoulders, forming the shape of an X. They reached down to his black belt which had a silver buckle in the middle. Black elbow pads were wrapped around his royal blue sleeves and blue knee pads sat around his black leather pants. With glossy black combat boots with blue laces, he wore a blue motorcycle helmet with black highlights on the top, black goggles with red virtual eyes covered part of his face, and he had a large smirk.
He was in a dynamic battle pose, as he held two silver Sai between his fingers, and waves of darkness surrounded part of his body. Behind him was a futuristic Seattle, which had flying cars and neon buildings.
As Ronald flipped through the pages, he read one of the characters' speech bubbles and gasped. "Whoa! I can't believe this character's tragic backstory! This comic book is amazing!"
Ronald placed the comic down and looked to his right, acting as if an audience was there. "Ha-ha, don't you just love shameless self-promos?"
He buried his face back into the comic book, unaware that a familiar face arrived at the front desk.
"Excuse me, Sir, do you sell-"
"For the love of God, we don't sell duck food!" Ronald slammed the comic against his desk and shouted. But he immediately gasped once he saw who he was speaking to.
It was the same woman that arrived yesterday. His emerald, green eyes widened, and she looked left and right.
"Oh… I was just going to ask if you sold tomato cages… but uh… I'll just go ask someone else."
"No, wait, I-" Ronald tried to stop her, but all she did was walk away, muttering to herself.
"What a rude man," she snarled.
Ronald rubbed his eyes and snarled. "Keep it together, Ronald. That guy has to know that we don't sell duck food at this point. He'd have to be a special breed too stupid to come back here and ask-"
"Do you sell duck food?"
Upon hearing that cursed question, Ronald slowly turned to the left and saw Parker leaning against his counter, waiting for a response. A red can of soda was in his hand, and he took the last sip. Parker released a loud burp before he crushed the can by pressing it against his bald head, and he threw it over his shoulder.
Instead of going in the trash, it hit a rabbi in the back of the head, and he fell unconscious.
"Oh, my god! Rabbi Goldberg!" a woman shouted, as she rushed to his aid.
Staring at the customer in front of him, Ronald felt his hands shake as they've never shaken before. His fingers were in a strange pose as if they were about to do something terrible. Red veins shadowed over the white of his eyes, and he gritted his shiny white teeth.
"You got some duck food for me?" Parker inquired.
Ronald slammed his hands against the counter, his face changing from brown to red. "Dude, how else can I put this you!? We. Don't. Sell. Duck. Food! This is a tool shop! A. Tool. Shop! We sell tools, not duck food! In fact, we don't sell any freakin' food here at all! We don't sell dog food, we don't cat food, we don't even sell human food! The closest thing we have to human food in here is this!"
He reached down below and pulled out a plank of wood spray painted orange, brown on the sides, and yellow on the top. There were also red stickers on top of it. He allowed Parker to stare at it for a few seconds before he chucked it over his shoulder, making it crash through his manager's window. Ronald then grabbed Parker by the collar of his shirt, pulling him close to his face.
"Whoa, we about to kiss or something?" Parker inquired.
"So, listen closely and listen well…" Ronald growled. "There… is… no… duck food… IN THIS STORE!"
"All right, all right, I get the concept, I'm sorry," Parker replied, as Ronald released him from his clutches.
"What do you want with this duck food anyway!?" Ronald shrugged.
"Well… it's actually not because I have a pet duck, it's because…" Parker rubbed the back of his head before releasing a low sigh. "It's actually for some ducks by this pond they're shutting down soon."
Ronald was about to shout once again before he stopped, registering what the customer just said. "Shutting down, what do you mean?"
Parker sighed again before he replied, "My girlfriend and I always went to this pond when we were younger. Had clean water, fresh green grass, and we'd always feed the ducks. Some corporation is demolishing the pond and they're putting up a new shopping mall as if we didn't have enough of those already. They're doing construction work tomorrow, so I wanted to feed the ducks one last time before… before… before…"
He stopped and wiped a small tear from his eyes. "Before it's time to say goodbye."
Ronald's face lit up with shock. "Oh… I'm sorry to hear that."
"It's fine… figured I'd revisit it one last time."
"I understand, I'd want to do the same thing if I were in your shoes."
"How can you fit into my shoes? I'm a size eleven, you look like you're a size eight."
Ronald rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I'm sorry for snapping at you, Mr. Parker. I didn't mean to shout; I was just trying to tell you that we don't sell duck food here. This is-"
"A tool shop, I know," Parker nodded.
"What made you think we sold duck food here in the first place?"
"I dunno, I read it on the internet."
Ronald raised both eyebrows. How would you respond to that?
"Sorry, Ronnie," Parker said.
"Tomato, tomato. I'll just be heading out then, maybe there's another pet store that sells duck food or something… but before I go, do you have any azaleas in the garden center?"
"Why, yes we do," Ronald replied with a smile. "They're in the back over there and they're fifty percent off."
"Oh, cool. I also need a few storage boxes. Do you have those two?"
"All storage boxes are being told in the second row back there," Ronald replied, pointing over the customer's shoulder.
"Cool, thanks man… sorry again about what happened."
"It's okay, just please pay more attention next time. If a store employee says they don't have something, then they don't have it."
"Gotcha, dude… gotcha."
"Have a good day, Sir. Let me know if you need anything else."
"Will do," Parker nodded.
He walked away from the front desk, but he suddenly stopped.
Ronald picked up his comic book and opened the page he last left off on, but Parker turned around and asked this question.
"Oh, just one more thing…"
"Hmm?" Ronald asked.
"Do you sell duck food?"
Ronald slammed the book against the counter and reached below, pulling out a large pickaxe.
He jumped over the counter and chased Parker across the store.
Even though he was probably going to get fired for this, he did realize something…
…The customer is not always right.
END OF STORY