It happened again. As I fell deeper into sleep that night I saw the vague and nearly absent shapes and colours my mind conjured up as I dreamed.
I then noticed it once more. That yellow glow in the distance. This time, this time I would reach it.
I felt my tiny body begin to float in the black matter of the dream, getting closer and closer till-
Till I bloody woke up crying again, and my 'parents' quickly rushed to my side, lifting me up from the cot and rocking me gently from side to side.
I couldn't stop these useless tears. I wanted them to just shut up, for my mind and soul to have complete control over this infant body.
Jessica handed me to Tyler who cradled me close. Argh, I didn't want to be treated this way! I felt like I was a second-class citizen if you can believe that.
"So what are we meant to do, Luke?" Tyler asked me cheekily but was spitting out facts, "You are an infant now, your mind and body aren't in sync yet."
The only good thing was that time seemed to move faster for me while I inhabited this body and it was only a matter of months before I'd be able to walk. A month had already passed me by now. I was nearly four months old, and I would often squirm about in my cot. I hadn't yet the strength in my knees to lift me up, but I knew within the next two to three months I would.
Once I had had my breast milk for the day, I was put on the couch on Tyler's knees and watched the screen in the living room.
He had put on a cartoon movie and I watched it, nearly unblinkingly.
"Blink, Luke," Tyler said to me, noticing my infatuation with the pretty colours on the screen. I slowly shut and opened my eyelids and Tyler only laughed, adding, "Good."
"G-g-" I began to say and he quickly dashed his gaze back on me in anticipation.
"Yes?!" He said eagerly and held me before his face, as I uttered out the word.
"YES!" Tyler shouted overly happy and called Jessica over from the other room. My 'mum' quickly came and looked at the two of us in wonder.
"What is it, Ty?" She asked and Tyler just lifted me before her, as he answered.
"Luke said his FIRST WORD!"
Jessica gasped quickly in delight and bounced on the spot next to me and Tyler.
"Say it again, Lukey!" She said to me eagerly, lifting me up to her face and I felt sick in my stomach.
Just as I was getting out the word, suddenly puke fired out of my mouth and all up on her chest. Jessica looked horrified down at her vomit-stained shirt and I only uttered nervously.
She scrunched her lips a little to the side, seeming a bit annoyed at me and she handed me back to Tyler.
She left the room then and I watched her go, worried in myself but heard Tyler only whisper to me in thought, She's just changing top.
"Good," I said again and Tyler only smirked, placing me back on his lap.
I hoped I hadn't made my mummy mad at me. I just could not control this body at all. But that very same afternoon Jessica was doting over me again so I relaxed just the littlest and forgot about my spew adventure.
Oh! That was another thing I hated about being a baby. I often had reflux and drool down my chin. I would often gaze without blinking for minutes at a time. Life was literally only sleeping and staring.
I mean, I couldn't complain too hard. It wasn't like I was stuck in hell. I shuddered just thinking about my lucky escape. It was then I remembered that I had to try my best to be good from now on. I couldn't be self-centered and cruel – or else, THIS was all for naught.
No. I had to be a saint – Actually, I had to be an ANGEL. Basically, I had to be as good and perfect as I could be. There was no excuse, and there was no other option between bad and good.
I lay back down in my cot, noticing the days on the calendar flying by.
Soon I was crawling, and lifting myself up by the side of the crib. I would look around in wonder – the wonder of a child – and see the world as this huge enormous thing, and me only a tiny individual in it.
I sighed heavily, laying back down on the soft cushioned bedding. I closed my eyes without even my awareness of doing such an act. Soon I dreamt, and every passing day my dreams got slightly more and more complexed.
Finally, I saw that golden light once more and crawled to it eagerly, my body nearly being pulled to it in anticipation.
Once I reached it – well, that's when things began to get really bizarre.
I was pulled through it, and I wavered there, seeing the whole area around me looked golden and sparkly. I felt my feet place on the ground and I gazed down at them quickly, realizing they weren't the feet of a baby. No. They were the feet of my eighteen-year-old self.
I almost screamed in terror. I quickly looked around at the rest of my body and saw it was all there, and all that was of my original bodily form.
"Where am I?!" I shrieked and looked behind me, seeing a black hole – the hole I had crawled out of. I then turned back the other direction and could see a world full of sparkly beings just like myself, floating around and talking to one another quietly.
It only took seconds when the other astral-bodied people spotted me looking their way, and they smiled... beginning to approach me.
"NOPE!" I yelped and turned around, heading back into my dark hole. Once I had entered it I felt myself being suck back into my infant body, and I exploded opened my real eyes, gasping there in my cot. Crying I was, I was LITERALLY crying!
Within seconds my 'parents' had rushed into the room and were cradling me, kissing me, and hugging me close as if to give me the feeling of comfort and protection.
"St- stop it!" I yelped from my baby lips, and the two blinked at once another surprised at my tiny protest.
"Did you have a bad dream, Lukey?" Tyler asked me carefully and I nodded my head. My neck had strengthened a lot in the last six months and I only uttered in defeat.
"Well, WHICH one?"
Salty tears only gathered all the more in my odd coloured eyes. Jessica only glared at Tyler for causing me to wail and she picked me up off him, rocking me back and forth, my head leaning helplessly against her chest.
I noticed then, just how big Jessica had gotten from her second pregnancy... really, this was all mad.
All of it.
I shouldn't be here, alive, as an infant. I shouldn't be starting life all the way over again. But like I said a million times to myself as I'd stare at the ceiling in my cot.
It's either this or Damnation.
And no matter how you tossed the dice, this gift I had been giving of starting life all over again was a blessing.
But still, images still plagued my mind of the weird reality I had experienced in my sleep. And how I had taken the form of my original self. It made me fearful just the slightest. Would this body I was in now, change my inner self. Would this body reject me one day? Like a body rejecting a donated kidney or heart? I had so many worries, too many that an infant my age should have.
The only thing I could do was roll with the punches.
I saw Jessica lean forward on my cot and place a pacifier next to my mouth. I just stared at it, confused but put it in my mouth, and sucked it a few times... my body loving the toy, the stress soother.
I closed my eyes sleepily, but the minute I nearly fell unconscious I jumped awake once more, a part of me frightened.
Don't be afraid, Luke...
It was her! I would recognize her voice at any time.
W-why, I peeped in thought back to her, my lips trembling as I sucked my pacifier, Why did you take my body...?
She only chuckled and in that second all was darkness once more.
You'll see why, Luke... you'll see.