5. Develop and implement a plan of action

The days crawled.

I hated it.

I was in a beautiful country, surrounded by interesting people and endless opportunities, but none of that mattered to me. And I hated that I couldn't enjoy this. I tried going out after work to the local scene, to go shopping, even to get drunk and get laid. But none of that had any appeal to me now.

I hated that it hurt me so much to be away from him. I hated that we'd left things off like that. I hated myself for being so hung over a man. It was pathetic and I honestly couldn't believe I was in that place. I don't think even the ugly breakup with my abusive ex after almost two years together was as intoxicatingly painful.

Of course, in that case I also had some relief and the understanding that it was for the better. We were more enemies than friends by this point. Now, however, there was none of that. As much as I wanted to convince myself it was inevitable and it couldn't have ended differently, no part of me believed that.

But it wasn't just that. I knew I needed to make a decision and fight for it. It wasn't fair what I'd done to him. I was acting like a bitch and he didn't deserve it. We needed closure.

Did we, though?

My mind was going nonstop, in circles. I felt like crying most of the time, which I did, every evening when I was alone in my hotel room. I'd done countless business trips by myself before, but I'd never felt so... alone. Like I was missing something essential, to the point of pain. Like I was missing a part of myself.

In a way, I was. Because with him I found sides to me I hadn't known existed. Being with him was so different to anything I'd experienced before, that I almost felt like a different person. Even now, who was that, sobbing into the pillow as if someone had died, instead of going out for a shopping spree or getting ready for an epic party?

But it was me. A changed me. A better me? I didn't know. I only knew that this change wasn't going anywhere, because if I would be completely honest with myself, this was the real me. This was who I wanted to be. Even if it wasn't with him.

I knew what I wanted by then. I'd known for a while. But I was so scared.

And the commitment wasn't even what scared me the most. Although it was pretty terrifying to get into a relationship with a whole family. I wasn't even ready for kids of my own, how was I going to take care of someone else's? How was I going to deal with that complex situation with the actual mother involved? How would my friends and family react to all of this?

I felt like I was a child getting into something hugely complicated and frankly - I was way out of my depth.

But I wasn't a child. And yes, he certainly had some experience over me. But I'd seen things, lived through things he hadn't. And all I knew was I'd never felt so complete as when I was with him. Wasn't that feeling worth all the struggle and hardships?

And this is what terrified me even more than the complicated mess of life circumstances. The intensity of the feelings we were having this early on. What I was willing to do and give for those feelings, for him, for us.

Only two guys had ever told me they loved me before Dylan.

I said it back to one of them.

I said it again to one who didn't reciprocate.

It had been over a year of being together in all three cases before that happened.

The feeling slowly died in all three occurences.

In less than a year.

None of my previous experiences resembled what I was feeling now. It was so inexplicably more, that it was blowing my mind even thinking about it.

How was this even possible?

Dylan and I met less than four months ago. We hadn't seen each other for most of it. We only spent about a month dancing on the thin thread between a careless affair and a monogamous relationship.

Was this really love after just a handful of dates?

Will it dissipate just as quickly?

Will it leave me broken and regretful?

Did it even matter?

What was this contemplating even worth? I knew I couldn't let go.

I couldn't let him go.

I took another few days after I was back in the states before I contacted him. Maybe I wanted to make sure it wasn't just the loneliness of traveling by myself, or the melancholy of January weather. But about a week after I'd returned, I couldn't help it anymore. My entire body was aching for him. I couldn't stop thinking about him, about us, about the future and whether we had one together.

I didn't even wait for the evening to call him.

"Hello?" He sounded like he didn't know it was me. Hadn't he looked at the caller name on his screen? Or had he deleted my contact from his phone altogether?

"Hey," I said quietly. He didn't respond at first, so I used the opportunity to speak. "Can we talk?"

"I'm not sure it's a good idea," His voice was even, not angry and not sad. I wondered whether he had company.

"I have your suit from… New Year's,"

"Fine," He sighed. "I'll come by tonight, would that be okay?"

"Sure,"

"Okay, see you,"

"Bye,"

And he hung up. I guess I deserved that.

The rest of the day was a blur. Not because it flew by, but because I literally couldn't focus on anything. I was so nervous it made me nauseous. I also felt my skin prickle with anticipation of seeing him.

When my boss asked to set a meeting for some strategy brainstorming, I asked her to postpone it, told her I wasn't feeling well and left the office. I couldn't deliver properly, so I didn't think I should waste everyone's time. However my conversation with Dylan would go, it would be better than this uncertainty.

At home, I showered and changed into a sweater and leggings, made myself a big mug of hot coffee and snuggled up under a blanket on the couch, sketching a few more clothing pieces that were probably going to get scratched off later on.

I was pathetic. I felt I was. I knew I was. But I couldn't help it. I was physically ill from all the stress. I should've gone for wine, maybe that would've calmed my nerves a bit.

Was I pining over a guy to a humiliation point, again?

Was I willing to make sacrifices for a relationship, again?

Was I setting myself up for getting hurt, again?

I couldn't bring myself to care enough to stop.

He'd sounded cold and distant over the phone earlier. Had he made the opposite decision to what I had? Had the distance allowed him to detach himself? Had he planned not ever seeing me again?

But he came. It was about seven o'clock, so I knew he hadn't been home yet and was coming straight from the office. When the door between us opened and revealed the one person I couldn't stop thinking about, I knew I hadn't really had a choice in the first place.

He was wearing a blue suit, no tie, his black coat over it unbuttoned. His hair was falling around his face, longer and more disheveled than usually, giving him a slightly rougher edge. His brows were pushed together in a slight frown, but no smile appeared under the stubble. His eyes met mine instantly.

"Come in," I said, stepping aside to allow him to pass. He did, but said nothing by the time I closed the door and walked up to where he was standing. "Do you want to drink something?"

"No, thank you," His voice was contained, even emotionless. His eyes were still the warm emeralds I knew. I wanted to touch him so badly I had to mentally fight it. Preoccupied with controlling my urge to just wrap my arms around him and attack his mouth with mine, I didn't start talking. There was a long silence, before he finally spoke up. "How was your trip?"

"Lonely," I admitted, giving him a weak smile. We hadn't seen each other almost as long as we'd spent together since I called him the first time, but for some reason it didn't feel like I was with a stranger. It never had with him.

"Oh? Didn't you see lots of people?"

"I did. I was incredibly busy. So was my vibrator," I tried to joke.

"Is this a code for consequent one night stands?" He smirked slightly, but the humor didn't reach his eyes. I considered making this a bit difficult for him, maybe making him jealous. Maybe telling him I'd been on a date after our fight. I wondered how he would take it.

"No," I smiled, unable to go through with that. "Dylan," I said quietly, stepping closer to him, then admitted, more vulnerable than ever, "I hadn't been with anyone since we met," I let out a shaky breath, "The first time around,"

"You shouldn't say things like that," He used my line against me. His voice was strangled. His eyes were burning. His smile was gone again.

"Like what, the truth?" I smiled, using his words against him in return.

"Beth…"

"We need to talk, Dylan,"

"I know. I know this can't go on, we're just making it harder for ourselves,"

"I think we can't not go on. This thing we have - it's too special to let it go," There, I said it.

"You said it yourself that long distance doesn't work for you,"

"I'm not a twenty year old girl anymore, Dylan. Just because it didn't work out with some guy back in college, doesn't mean it can't work between us," I pushed myself to gather any courage I might've had left to grab his hand as I continued. "Look, regardless of what happens between the two of us, traveling this much doesn't make me happy anymore and I want a more stable life. I want a place to call home,"

"Beth, you can't do this. You can't change your life for me,"

"I'm not. I'm changing it for me,"

"When did you decide this?"

"I don't know. Probably a while ago. I'm not quitting my job and becoming a housewife, Dylan. I'll be taking on more projects in the city, that's all. If I need to travel, I will. Besides, I have my business to focus on now too,"

"You can't tell me this change has nothing to do with me,"

"Of course it does. I'm willing to make this leap for what you and I can have. I'm just trying to say that I'm not trading my happiness for this. I'm excited about this for more reasons than just you," His expression was almost pained, not full of the happiness or even relief I'd expected to see.

"How am I better than the guy you moved to Paris for?" He said breathlessly, at last. His voice was barely above a whisper. I smiled and brought my hand to the side of his face.

"You didn't ask me to," I said simply. It was the truth. He hadn't asked, hadn't tried to persuade or pressure me. It didn't feel like I was making a sacrifice for his benefit. It felt like I was making a choice for a new beginning. "I want this, Dylan. I'm tired of fighting what feels like the most natural thing I've ever felt. And if I'm not completely delusional, which I don't think I am, you want this too,"

"Of course I want this. But I can't do this to you. And to myself, to my kids. You're not even sure you want this life. What happens when you get bored?"

"There are no guarantees in life in general and in relationships in particular. If you should've learnt anything by now, it's that. So what are you going to do? Never have a relationship because it might not work out in the end? Never introduce a woman to your kids, because she might walk out on you?"

"God, Beth, you're so young!" He threw his hands in the air in frustration. "You should be having fun, crazy adventures, breathtaking affairs!"

"I've had plenty of all of those already," I shrugged. For the first time, our roles were reversed. I was the calm and collected one and he was having a meltdown. It was actually quite adorable, considering he was going into all that stressful concern for me and not himself.

"Then settle down. Find a nice guy your age without baggage and start a family!"

"You don't really consider your kids 'baggage', do you?" I raised one eyebrow at him. It was getting tiring.

"They're not for me, but they are for you. You hadn't signed up for all of this,"

"But I want to," I cupped his face with both my hands now and looked into his eyes with all the intention and meaning I had in me. "I love you," I breathed it out more than said it. "Including the part of you that's a parent. The father that you are is one of the many reasons why I do,"

He didn't say anything.

One long moment.

And then his lips were on mine. His tongue invaded my mouth, and I let it willingly, as his arms wrapped around me.

"This is crazy," He whispered, pressing his forehead against mine, breathing heavily.

"What? The fact that we're actually doing this? Or that we even know we want it after knowing each other for no time at all? Or the fact that we'd admitted to falling in love over less than ten dates?"

"All of it. All of it is fucking insane,"

"I guess it's good. I can't do anything ordinary," He chuckled lightly and there was no better sound. No better feeling than seeing the long dimples in his narrow, stubbled cheeks.

Well, maybe except for what he made me feel in the next couple of hours in the bedroom. And on the way to it.

What the hell was I getting myself into?

"Your life changes the moment you make a new, congruent, and committed decision." – Anthony Robbins

If you've been paying attention, you might've noticed that we haven't covered the last stage:

6. Evaluate and monitor the solution and examine feedback when necessary

The last part will be discussed in the next volume: How To Deal With Consequences.

Consequences are not an easy concept to wrap your mind around and they deserve special treatment.

End of part II.

Thank you for reading.

I hope you enjoyed this, please let me know any thoughts and opinions!

*Volume 3 is out - go check out How To Deal With Consequences