FRED: The Unfortunate: Movie Script

Written by Emmett21

Open on the double doors of a huge office building. They slide open as FRED walks out with a suitcase. Cut to a bird's-eye view of a huge parking lot. We see a small dot (FRED) walk across the lot until he comes to his car. Cut to a closeup of the car. FRED stops at the driver's door, puts his suitcase down, gets out his keys, presses a button to unlock the car, and pulls his door. Nothing happens. Irritated, he tries once again, then several more times to open the door, with no success. He drops to his knees.

FRED: NOOOOO!

Dramatic music plays as the camera zooms out to show the parking lot, the city, the country, and finally the entire world. Suddenly cut to black, with the words "THE END" showing in white.

THE END.

Note: The directors of this film had nearly a $300 million budget to work with for this movie, so they traveled to over 10 different countries, shooting hours of incredible scenes featuring over a half-dozen A-list actors. They then overlayed all the footage with CGI of various aliens, zombies, cigarette smokers, and other aesthetic affects. It all had the potential to be one of, if not THE greatest action-adventure-comedy-hippie-drama-romance movies of all time. However, post-production, after a stupendous night drinking and celebrating and drinking, the directors made the rash and stupid decision to cut every second of footage from the final edit except one; the only scene that featured FRED THE UNFORTUNATE. And that, moviegoers, is how this amazing, one-minute, quarter-of-a-billion dollar production came to silver screens. Except it didn't. Movie theaters wouldn't show it because of its length, and no DVD's, Blu-Ray's, or digital copies were ever even considered. So, all that remains of this giant ambition of a film is the script you have just read.

Thank you.

And as an aside, the original four-hour footage for this is currently located in a huge empty keg of wine at the bottom of the Pacific. But, uh, I'm not telling you how I know that.