"That reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time when I almost died in an inn?"

"Wow. Must've been quite the brawl."

"Well, no. It all started outside the place, actually. I was making my way through the forest, and was, oh, say, thirty feet away, when I heard a sound from a bush I was... um... using. I looked down into it, and just caught sight of a bird before it flew right in my face and started mercilessly pecking me in the nose. It took me a whole five minutes to get that thing off my face, and when I did, it was still clawing and scratching furiously. To this day, I don't know what made it so angry.

"After treating my wounds the best I could like a man, I crawled through the inn's entrance, begging for help like a little baby. The three people sitting at the tables and fire in the center completely ignored me; however, the female innkeeper did see me. She walked up, got me to my feet, slapped me around to get the dust and twigs off, (very kind,) and told me, 'A room is sixteen bucks. A pot of stew is two and a half. Pay up. NOW.'

"I, er, kindly handed her the money, and after taking my whole wallet, she kicked me near the fire and left, smiling contentedly. I picked my head up from the floor and got a good look around then. I saw a tall man smoking in the corner. I saw a dwarfish man downing beer in another corner like there was no tomorrow. (But that's a different story.) And the third person, the little girl, was sitting right in front of me, cross-legged and very cross.

"I, in all my usual niceties, fondly greeted her with, 'Wadda you lookin' at?' Still cross, (the niceties didn't make the impression I hoped for,) she angrily shouted in my ear, 'SCREW YOU! YOU SPILLED MY SOUP ALL OVER THE FLOOR! SCREW YOU TEN TIMES OVER!' Having said that, she proceeded to kick me hard in the noids before stomping away.

"Taking it like the champ I always was and still am today, I limped to the table where the tall man was smoking just as the innkeeper came by and set my measly bowl of soup down. The smell, literally just the smell of it, made me want to barf; and also, it caused the other man to instantly collapse. However, wanting to get on the lady's good side, I again tried to nicely ask, 'The heck is this?' The answer I should have seen coming from the first: she grabbed the back of my head and slammed it into the bowl, burning my already pecked-up face.

"Now, you know I'm not very quick to anger, but this did it for me. I got up, still in great pain, roared in the aforementioned pain, and charged, still suffering from the pain. There was quite a bit of pain. I had only taken two steps towards the retreating lady, though, when the small man tossed one of his beer mugs behind his back so that it landed right in front of my feet. I slipped on it, and landed in the fire dramatically.

"And then the next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital bed with a CPAP on and various tubes in my body in places I'd rather not mention."

"Wow. That was... really unfortunate."

"Ha! You wanna know what was really unfortunate? The time I said something in Google's search engine and it ended up autocorrecting it as, 'Trying to book about why did you jazz all this job bro let him leave me alone is it in by Shabbat are purple pooping darn a couple people in.' Ah, that was fun..."

THE END.