Please note: what follows is probably a matter of opinion. But I'm sure there are people out there who feel the same way. I'm also, apparently, trying to make as many enemies as possible by acting like a smartass. I'm not going to apologize for this (assuming it pisses you off), only to say that it really reveals the kind of personality I have. Cynical. Also, for those of you that do become angry and hope for some sort of poetic justice, I have a story under fantasy/mystery that currently has only received one review, and I seriously thought it would get more. So this is also a way for me to avoid the mistakes I made in the summary for that story. This is as much for me as it might be for you.
It's been a long of day of work, and quite frankly I'm not in the mood to do anything. I slide into the padded seat before the computer and click on the Internet, wait patiently for the homepage to appear, and type in "fanfiction.net." I'm in the mood to read something.
I click on the link to "originals," which usually house the best stories, and follow through to "short story" section. Hmm…let's see what there is for me to read.
Oh, here we go! The very first story. Let's read its summary. "I don't do reviews very well, so please r/r anyway." Well, that's certainly an incentive. They want my pity! I might as well just click on it right now! Go in blind, without any idea what it could be. For all I know, it's gay porn between a midget with a cleft pallet and two goats with a glandular problem! I'm sure that, if whoever wrote this has trouble with a relatively small thirty word summary, the actual story must be a brilliant, insightful piece of work.
Well, at least the summary on the story below is a little better. "This is something epic I'm working on." Even better! That tells me so much more. For all I know, epic gay porn between a midget with a cleft pallet and two goats with a glandular problem. It seems epic all right: 235 words! Updated three months ago!
Ah, here we go. "Ummm, READ." Hot damn! Awesome! What am I waiting for? And he has a correct spelling rate of 50%. Heck, this guy probably doesn't even want to read his story.
I'm working my way down into a more intelligent area now. It has a decent summary, and it even has eight chapters. This could honestly be something to read. Oh wait, no. it's only 1045 words long. In eight chapters. That's about 131 words per chapter. Plenty of time to adequately develop a plot and real characterization.
What else do we have? This looks like a real tear-jerker. "Will Samantha and Emily survive their brutal stepfather and save the city from the cruel developers while at the same time finding romance from the handsome, rustic older men that just moved from a city where they're wanted criminals for robbing a bank to afford the surgery that will restore the precious gift of sight their widowed mothers?" My guess? NO. The brutal stepfather will continue to beat them, the city will be destroyed, the men will hate the girls, and will also be arrested and sentenced to die while the surgery on their mothers fail. Then there's "a love so vast and eternal it washes her turmoil away in a sea of magic." I almost vomit from that one.
A few stories down, we have "two girls discover there's more to them than they ever thought." What does that mean? Do they gain weight? I'm glad this summary's not too detailed, or it might give away the story.
Down further, let's see what else we have…oh! This could be good. "An anime character and a dragon fight a vampire over a digimon." By an author named LoveAnimeOrIWillKillYourFamily. Can't wait to see what that one's about! Although now I want to know where my sister is.
On to page two! And what do we have at the top? "Something I wrote several years ago for English class." That's it? Is that actually the plot? Are they bragging? If they're bragging, screw 'em! I don't want to read about their prior accomplishments. I can write papers too; real good ones at that, but you don't hear me saying anything.
Underneath is "the greatest adventure will begin anew…" Hooray! Ellipses! Suspense! I'm about to piss my pants! I would click on the link, but I unfortunately suffer a major heart attack and can't move.
Somewhere below (by now everything's starting to look the same) I see a summary that concludes with "Flame me and I'll end my life." I don't even want to bother with that one. Whoever that is is so emotionally unstable that they can't take it when some idiot writes something even remotely bad. They see, "your story made me want to shoot puppies," and they think the world is coming to an end. First, people who flame are either a) dumb, or (more likely) b) jealous that, although the story may not contain the best grammar in the world, it nevertheless contains an original and creative idea that they could have never thought of. Unless, of course, the story really is stupid. And I wouldn't rule that out until I read it. And I don't want to. Tragic.
Last and least, we have a summary such as "Oh! *giggles* uh, my first fic *sighs, walks away, comes back* *deep breath* um yeah…lol. It's really good g *shrugs shoulders, blushes* r/r." I can actually feel my IQ go down several points just by reading that. It's like trying to decipher another language. Funny, too, because according to the information below it is actually in English. I couldn't tell. I hope the story isn't written like that. I'd better move on.
At that point I realize, much to my sadness, that I've reach the end. There was nothing to read. Oh well. Maybe there's something intelligent on TV.
I chuckle at that one.