"THERE'S A GARDEN GNOME IN MY EAR!"
"Ah, so there is."
That's just one example of the weirdness I've had to put up with for... um... well I'm not quite sure exactly how long but a long time!
I'm Jason by the way and I shall be your narrator for this evening. Make sure your seat belt is fastened and please keep your arms and legs inside the story at all times.
I know what you're thinking, 'What's he narrating?! There's nothing for him to narrate!" Well dear reader, I shall prove you wrong! For I am about to tell a tale of friendship, of courage and of sheer stupidity!
So take that you pompous know-it-all silly people! I am superior! Mwa ha ha! Cackle! Guffaw! Snort! I am the greates... Oh, sorry. Got a little off track there.
Anyway, back to the story.
It all started on a Monday morning, just like all horrible things do. I was running late for school as I sometimes do when I tripped over a small dog. Now thanks to this miniature specimen of canine (and an unexplainably strong gust of wind) I went catapulting into the garden of a nearby house.
As I hurtled through the air, I noticed that the flowers below me were all blooming in a very nice pattern with the roses on the left and the... Oh my god! I'm talking (writing) about FLOWER Arrangement!!!! I'm turning into Neville!
Then, suddenly I realised the reason for the well-arranged flowers! It was the Burke's Backyard Annual Live Show and I was heading straight for it! AAAHHH!!!
Thankfully, my landing was cushioned.
I flew straight into the back of Burke's head and sent him flying into a pile of manure!
As he was lying face down in the pile of manure, a daisy bush uprooted itself and said to Burke
"See how you like being covered in shit!" and with that it stormed off.
As I was standing there, wondering what to do, I realised that Burke's toupee had fallen off and seemed to be mutating!
It was growing!
Then, all of a sudden, with me and another four members of the audience on top of it, the toupee flung itself into the air and was hovering three metres above the ground!
"Oh! Isn't this exciting! It's like we're superheroes and we're flying above everyone!" squealed one of my obviously British toupee mates excitedly.
"Yeah. Now all we got to do is stick our arms out a yell 'Toupee and Away'" said another very sarcastic and pommy toupee mate.
Then, to our surprise, as soon as the words 'Toupee Away' were uttered the toupee gave a splutter and soared off into the sunset. I'm not totally sure why there was a sunset seeing as it was still Monday morning and sunsets usually occur around dusk.
But still, Burke took full advantage of the sunset and announced to the remaining audience in a throaty, husky voice
"I vant to be alone!"
And with that he turned and sauntered into the sunset wearing an exquisite, flowing red satin gown.
Anyway, back to us on the toupee.
As it soared above the treetops the toupee mate who fad said we were like superheroes piped up.
"I think we should have an introduction circle. We all say our name and something about themselves. My name is Wesley and I'm a Sagittarius. My hobbies include lawn bowls and flower pressing."
"Ooo! Ooo! I'll go next! My name's Percy and I'm Wesley's brother. I'm a Gemini and I enjoy bird watching and boot scooting." The boy next to Wesley said.
All eyes turned to the guy next to Percy who was the sarcastic pom who had activated the toupee.
"Oh, come on old chap! Introduce yourself!" Percy and Wesley said in unison.
"Oh, sod off will you! Me name's Spike. I'm Percy and Wesley's cousin, a Taurus and I don't 'ave any bloody 'obbies." He said sounding rather pissed off.
The next person was a girl.
"Um, hi! My name's Quinn and I'm a Virgo. My hobbies are shopping, cheerleading and being cute!" She said in a high pitched, perky and American voice.
Next, oh goody, my turn.
"Hey, my name's Jason and I'm the narrator. I'm a Taurus like Spike and my favourite quote is 'The world is my oyster. I just can't get it open.'"
"Alright, now that we're all acquainted, does anyone have even the faintest idea were we're going?" Asked Spike
Just as he said that, the toupee crashed into a giant sign, caught fire and plummeted to earth.
Once we were all together on the ground we looked up at the sign we had crashed into.
It said ' Giant Killer Rabid Garden Gnome Land.'
"Spike! Spike! I know where we are! We're in Giant Killer Rabid Garden Gnome Land!" Quinn squealed happily, obviously very pleased with herself
"Your skills of observation astound me." Spike said sardonically
"Really!?" squeaked Quinn, completely oblivious to Spike's sarcasm.
Before Spike had a chance to crush her stupidly high spirits, there was a giant crashing sound!
Actually it wasn't quite a crash, more of a very heavy thumping sound. I suppose it could have been a crash if the object that was crashing landed on something soft, but it had a distinct thumping quality. Yes it was definitely a thum... I'm going off track again aren't I? Shame on me! Yes, that's right I shall hang my head in shame that's what I'll do! Shame filled head hanging is all that is fit for the likes of me with my off track goin... Um, I'll just get to the story now.
As we heard the thump/crash, we heard someone coming!
"We want our mummy!" Percy and Wesley squealed, hugging each other.
"Um, just a thought, but maybe we should hide or something." I said.
For some reason, everyone regarded this idea with terror and looked at me as if I were a Giant Killer Rabid Garden Gnome or something.
But they seemed to agree with me and ran off in all different directions.
Then I heard a noise behind me and when I turned around to see what it was, I was hit by the most vile smell my nose had ever had the misfortune of smelling!
I looked up and saw the reason that the others had looked at me like they did.
There was a Giant Killer Rabid Garden Gnome behind me!
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I yelled, as one would usually do in such a situation.
And with that I turned and ran for my puny little life.
It wasn't hard to find the others seeing as Spike seemed to be the only one who had heard of stealth.
They were supposed to be hiding in a conveniently placed cave but Wesley and Percy were refusing to go in because they said that there could be any number of poisonous snakes in there. Spike finally managed to get them in by assuring them that he'd protect them but Quinn was still refusing on the grounds that she's ruin her new designer outfit.
"Oh, just 'urry up and get in the bloody cave!" yelled an exasperated sounding Spike yelled.
"No! I'll wreck my outfit! It's an original Jarmani(tm)!" Quinn shrieked
"Stop being such a brat!"
"I'm not a brat! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!!!"
"Um, hey guys. Thanks so much for telling me that there was a G.K.R.G.G standing behind me!" I said, rather annoyed.
"What's a G.K.R.G.G?" asked Percy
"I couldn't be bothered to say Giant Killer Rabid Garden Gnomes so I abbreviated it."
"Oh."
In the end, we managed to lure Quinn into the cave with the promise of designer jeans.
"I thought that G.K.R.G.G was going to kill us back there!" said Wesley sounding scared just thinking about it.
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." I said.
This earned me a collective 'weirdo!' stare from the group.
I decided to break the tension by starting a conversation.
"So, Spike, you don't really seem like a typical Burke's Backyard fanatic. What were you doing there?" I asked
"It wasn't my idea! The Wussy Brothers mum insisted that I come." He replied sounding indignant.
"Who are you calling wussy!?" Wesley yelled
"Um, you."
Wesley got a peculiar look on his face, somewhat like that of a constipated rhinoceros and yelled at Spike
"Oh you think you're so wonderful don't you Frederick!"
"Your name is Frederick!" I asked Spike
"NO!" Spike replied hastily, but Wesley took no notice of what we were saying and continued.
"You're all like 'Oh, my new name is Spike! Oh, I'm so marvellous! Prepare to bow before my invincible irony and sarcasm!" he ranted.
"Wes," Spike said, walking up to him and putting his hand on Wesley's shoulder.
"Wes, just remember. Jesus loves you. Of course everyone else thinks you're an arsehole, but still"
With that Wesley decided he should do the manly think and run off sobbing into a corner.
"MWEEEEEAAAAAAAAA!!!" We heard him shriek.
"Wesley? Are you okay?" Quinn called
"NO! I'm not okay! There was a large spiky lizard! It hissed at me!"
"So you decided that it would be hugely tough and manly and shriek like a little girly girl." Spike said.
"I think you'll find that was more of a bellow!"
"Um, could we get out of this cave now?" asked Percy who had been strangely quiet through the whole thing.
"Yeah, it smells icky in here." Quinn agreed.
"Icky? What the bloody 'ell does icky mean?" Spike asked with a snort
"Okay guys, lets do what Percy said and get out of here." I said before Spike could start another argument.
"Um, guys. You do realise that we're stranded in the woods of an unknown land that's probably crawling with Giant Killer Rabid Garden Gnomes?" I said
"Yeah. What's wrong with that?" asked Quinn, once again completely oblivious to everything going on around her.
"We shall have to hunt our own food and build our own shelter!" Percy screeched.
"How will we know what's edible and what's not?!" Wesley bawled.
"Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not." I said.
"Um, guys. Were there are people, a McDonalds will follow." Spike said, gesturing to a McDonalds that had sprouted, complete with the standard pimply 15 year olds serving at the counter, behind a clump of trees.
So after we had all ordered our burgers and fries and sat down, I said
"Okay, well we know why Spike was at the Burke's Backyard special, what were you doing there Quinn? You could have got icky bugs on you!"
"Well, that's what I thought too but then I read in Dolly that gardening is the coolest thing to do this fall." She told us, tossing her hair.
"Okay then. Wesley and Percy, how 'bout you? Why were you at such a yawn-fest?"
They both regarded me with shock and horror.
"Yawn-fest?! We saved up all our pocket money for a year just to go to that 'yawn-fest'!" said Percy indignantly.
"Oh. Um, well I suppose some people must like that sort of thing." I said, amazed that anyone not a retired lady over 75 or a complete moron who believes anything she reads in Dolly would have gone voluntarily.
"Eeew! My nugget is all smooshed!" Quinn shrieked.
We all crowded around the nugget with interest.
"It looks like my ex!" Quinn exclaimed with distaste.
"I still miss me ex." Spike told us as we all made sympathetic noises.
"But me aim's improving!" He added cheerfully.
No one was quite sure how to respond to that.
Then, as we were all wondering what to talk about next, we heard the same crash/thump as before!
"RUN!" yelled Percy.
In all our panic, we ended up hiding in the McDonalds playground.
"I think I had an accident!" Wesley whimpered.
We peered through the holes in the playground, we saw a group of Garden Gnomes approach the counter.