tears did not sting because they no longer flowed.
His ducts had long since lost their will to produce the salty liquid.
Without the outer release he felt his insides decaying.
No words could ever describe the horrible crushing feeling.
He just wanted it to end, for the pain to go away.
Many times he had begged for them to just let him die, but they persisted
in prolonging his life. Why extend
his suffering any longer?
refused to eat, even if he had wanted to the chemotherapy would certainly make
his nausea level too high for him to even to swallow a bite.
Yet, they fed him intravenously. Why
the radiation and chemotherapy, he always had cried. He did not care if they allowed him to live an extra month,
if it was in the bed. He did not
want to live lying down; he had always been an active man and could never sit
still. His impatience was
pained him, yet the medication that was supposed to help just made his focus
hazy and unclear. They told him to
eat, told him to never give up. Begged
him to follow the stories in magazines and stay positive.
but those victims were survivors. Sure
cancer had kidnapped them, but they had paid the ransom and were released to
live out their lives. He paid the
dues over and over again to empty promises but they wanted him forever.
was never to be a survivor. Once,
he spelled out "T-E-R-M-I-N-A-L" to a pesky nurse who always bothered him to
persevere. There was no cure; he would not ever leave the hospital.
He begged them to let him die in peace, at home, with family and away
from the needles.
knew it was all a joke. He had no
family, except an adult daughter who he had never known and an estranged
ex-wife. The rest of them, they had never cared for him as he had left
the trailer trash neighborhood he was raised in to pursue a better life.
let him die alone. But they would
not. If he had had the strength he
would have climbed out the window and let himself fall free and be allowed one
last moment of happiness before it would end.
But he could not even crawl, much less open and window.
the final stage of the disease, he had only his mind left.
Yet unlike in the movies, he found no inner peace, did not reconcile with
enemies, and had nothing of value left. He
could hardly speak and had to be hooked up to a machine that breathed for him.
couldn't even chose whether or not to take a breath or not.
He was completely dependent of the hospital, and as a man who had always
been self-sufficient, it was very hard for him.
His only happiness was that the chemotherapy and radiation treatments had
ceased. The doctors gave up,
although he felt they should have stopped a long time ago.
There was no point.
pain was unbearable. He felt his
life draining from him, a slow excruciating process.
It was so anguishing it could not be adequately described with a million
words. It was something no
painkiller could ever rid of. It
mental, emotional, and physical pain all rolled in one.
became so suicidal he would have smothered himself in his own pillow could he
ever get rid of the ventilator. He
tried to console himself by thinking of better times, yet he realized then how
empty his life had been. And he did
not care. Like it would matter a
month from now.
had more bad news the next day. Tests
confirmed the cancer had spread to his brain.
At first he did not care at all. Tumors
already had taken over half of the vital organs in his body. He used to stare at drab and ugly walls of his
"cell" to pass time towards his soon and inevitable death, but his vision
began to flicker out and eventually died.
turned out the occipital lobe was the first attacked, but not the last.
Soon went his temporal, and he could not hear or see.
This intensified the pain by a hundredfold because there were no
distractions left from the pain.
patient could not think about the bleak wallpaper that attempted to be cheerful,
because he could no longer gaze at it. There
was nothing to look forward to but pain. He
no longer dreamed, just moved in and out of conscious and unconscious states.
lived in a world of pain and dark desolate hell.
Was he dead yet? He had even
lost the feeling his body. He could
no longer taste, nor smell, see or hear. And
the tiny corner of his mind that was still untouched kept him conscious.
That tiny corner was slightly relieved from the physical pain, but the
mental and emotional still plagued him.
the pain slowly began to fade, to his relief.
In his final moments, he did not relive his favorite memories, did not
journey down a bright tunnel, he just felt idleness. Then there was