I have become convinced that there is more to life than eating, sleeping, working, falling down long flights of stairs, watching children act out plays with mutated clay figures, etc. There has to be something more than this. And when I say that, I speak straight from my heart, because life's answer has to be bigger than the word "this." If it isn't, I, and many others, would become very upset. And no, my heart does not have a mouth. "Speaking from the heart" is a figure (albeit not a very attractive one) of speech.
Anyway, because I am convinced that there is more to life than regular, boring activities, I have decided to try and deduce exactly what I am meant to get out of life. "But where do I start on this spiritual journey?" I asked (or one of my many voices asked) myself. "How can I begin on such a truth-seeking trek?" The answer: Get out of my stupid chair and do something. Therefore, I got up and ate some leftovers. This was NOT (I repeat, NOT) the answer I was looking for, although it tasted very good, whatever it was.
The first place I started was the most natural starting place I could think of: The Game of Life. I figure that if a company releases a board game called "Life," they must have something figured out. (Many of you may believe I should have started with Life cereal. Well, you folks are morons. Anyone can call a cereal "Life.") I began playing the game of life, and soon discovered that I was married, working as a doctor, and yet living in a mobile home. This made no sense to me, so I flung the board across the room (probably hurting the 8 year old I was playing against in the process, but he was winning, so he deserved it).
My first attempt proving futile, I moved on to the next place where I believed the meaning of life could be found…organized religion. I feel that the name "organized religion" is a misnomer, because it gives the idea that religion is organized like, say, a sock drawer. However, different types of socks do not war on one another, nor do they kill each other (unless of course this explains the "missing sock" phenomenon). Rather, organized religion is essentially large groups of different individuals all claiming to have found the meaning of life, the ultimate power in the universe, and an honest lawyer (it sounds ridiculous, and I'll admit, I made up the last one for the sake of humor, as obviously it doesn't exist). These separate groups then proceed to mock and ridicule the other groups, and claim that only their own way is the truth. After spending some time looking at organized religion, I decided that it wasn't going to get me anywhere.
My next try? Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life," an excellent movie, and possibly the answer I was looking for. However, even though it was immensely funny, I do not believe that it held the true meaning of life. From here, my search began to get desperate. I would try anything with the word "life" or any derivation of the word "life" in it. "Modern Life," "The Nine Lives of Thomasina," "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life," "Martha Stewart's Living," and many others. I even tried the Yellow Pages, because supposedly it is "life listed alphabetically." But all my attempts were in vain. Nothing really gave me the MEANING of life.
Then it struck me. It struck hard, so I suffered a concussion and had to spend a few days in the hospital, but when I awoke, I realized what I hadn't seen all along. What better place to look for the meaning of life than in a dictionary? So I consulted Mr. Webster to discover life's meaning. (Please note: Mr. Webster has been dead for many years, so I didn't actually CONSULT him PERSONALLY, I simply talked to his spirit in a séance.) According to him, life is a noun that is "The quality or state of plants and animals that allows them to take in food, get energy from it, grow, adapt to their surroundings, and reproduce more of their own kind." That was it. The meaning of life. And frankly, it's a good meaning. I'm pleased with it. It brought me candy.
Now that my search is over, I can go back to doing what I normally do, mainly eating, sleeping, working, falling down long flights of stairs…you get the idea. And maybe, just maybe, just possibly maybe, just hopefully in some way sort of possibly maybe, I've helped you too.
And if not, too bad. Sucks for you.
Join me next time when I search for the meaning of "cucumber."