"THERE'S A GARDEN GNOME IN MY EAR!"
"Ah, so there is."
"WELL, DON'T JUST STAND THERE! HELP ME!"
"Alright, alright, no need to yell."
I suppose you're wondering what's going on.
My name is Liam, and that blithering idiot yelling about garden gnomes is my cousin Percy. He's staying with us for a while.
It all started on a calm Sunday morning, when I went outside for my daily throwing pumpkins at the passers by session, when I saw it (it being the garden gnome).
It was just sitting there on the doorstep, looking all wet and pathetic and well, not really cute, more evil. Its eyes were kinda red and glowy and it had fangs, which I thought was a bit unusual.
Anyway, the poor little thing was just sitting there, so I decided to adopt it.
Little did I know this was no ordinary garden gnome! But we'll get to that later.
Anyway, I wanted to show everyone my new gnome, so I took it inside and plonked it down on the kitchen table.
"Oh, Liam honey, that's hideous! Where ever did you get that horrid thing?" My mother exclaimed
"Like, eew!" My sister Quinn squeaked in her normal airhead type way.
"Personally, Aunt Madge, I think it is quite a unique specimen by the looks of it. It seems to have radioactive quality around the eyes and the use of fangs on a lawn ornament are quite unusual!" Percy prattled on.
"Um, yes dear." My mother said, not quite sure how to respond.
So I took the gnome off the table because otherwise my mother would have started to hyperventilate and the last time she did that my dad forced us to call the paramedics. It was somewhat less than fun.
While I was eating my brekkie of lovely prune juice (Good for the bowels!) and plate of leftover mashed turnip from last night (Gee, thanks mum.) I felt a kick on my ankle.
"Percy! You kicked my ankle you little shi..."
"LIAM!" My mum screeched, scandalised. "There is no place for that sort of language in the household or at this table!"
God, she's an idiot sometimes.
"I think that was uncalled for! I most certainly did not kick your ankle, for my parents brought me up as a gentleman!" Percy said indignantly
"Well someone kicked my ankle and I intend to find out who! Now give me some more turnip or give me death!" I cried
Then, we heard evil snickering coming from under the table.
"Those stupid humans!" The voice laughed, "They have no idea that I am the phantom ankle kicker! They think I'm just a harmless little garden gnome! They'll never know my secret plan!!! MWEE HA HA!"
We all thought this was rather strange so we looked under the tablecloth.
There we saw my gnome. Standing there cackling to itself evilly with a smug 'I'm-a-garden-gnome-therefore-I-am-superior!' look on its face.
"Um, Mr Garden Gnome, you do know that you, like, said that all out loud don't you?" Quinn asked
"What?! I've really gotta work on my inner monologue!" The gnome said, annoyed.
"Oh well, no matter. You have no way of knowing that my diabolical plan is to attack you all in the middle of the night and turn you into my little Froggy slaves!"
"'Um, again with the inner monologue." I told him.
That seemed to enrage to gnome.
He flew at me with superhuman (or super gnome) speed, produced a razor from some unknown place and shaved off my eyebrows.
"AAARRGGHH!!!" I yelled "My beautiful, beautiful eyebrows! NOOOOO!"
My mind was consumed with thoughts of vengeance.
I thrashed my arms wildly at the gnome, but the little bugger got away!
That night, I sat on my bed, running my hands over where my eyebrows used to be, plotting my revenge.
That gnome had gone too far. It was time to bring in the big guns. The Camels of Vengeance. (Insert freaky music here)
I sat on my bed surrounded by a ring of ceremonial marshmallow fluff while holding a Snickers bar in each hand and with a prickle bush in my mouth.
"Oh mighty Vengeance Camels I call upon thee or thou or whatever, WREAK VENGEANCE!"
With that I got up and ran to the living room where there was a giant portal in the middle of the rug.
"Hello oh, mighty Camel of Vengeance, I kneel before you!"
"So you should!" The camel replied "My name's Algernon and I shall be your Vengeance Camel for this evening. Who is it that needs avenging?"
"The garden gnome!" I spat, my face contorted with anger.
"The garden gnome." The camel said, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes the garden gnome!" I yelled.
"Liam! Would you turn that bloody racket down!" My mother yelled, banging the wall with a broomstick. She obviously thought that I had the T.V on.
"Hey, what happened to your eyebrows?" The camel inquired.
I replied with what I thought was a withering glare, but it did not have the desired affect.
Instead of creeping back in terror, Algernon was rolling around on the carpet in hysterics.
"What's so funny?!" I demanded
"You look like a constipated rhinoceros!" he told me, still giggling.
"I most certainly do not!" I responded, outraged.
"Well, it's getting late and a camel can hardly be expected to wreak vengeance without any sleep, now can he?" Algernon asked
So we agreed to wreak vengeance in the morning.
The next morning we were awoken by a piercing shriek echoing throughout the house.
"MY CLOTHES! AHHHHHHHHH!" my sister shrieked
I heard my mother telling her to calm down, to which she responded with
"HOW CAN I CALM DOWN! THAT STUPID GNOME SHREDDED ALL MY CLOTHES! MY LIFE IS RUINED!" and with that she flung herself onto her bed, sobbing.
My mother came into my room looking quite upset and stroking her beard. Hold on a sec, her beard?!
"Um, mum. Have you looked in the mirror this morning?" I asked her nervously
"No dear. Why?" she asked as she did look.
I think I'd run out of room on the page if I attempted to write the sound my mother made.
Then, yet another girly shriek rang through the house.
This time it was Percy.
"THERE'S A GARDEN GNOME IN MY EAR!" He squealed in terror.
I walked into his room and said
"Aah, so there is."
"WELL DON'T JUST STAND THERE! HELP ME!"
"Alright, alright, no need to yell."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO NEED TO YELL? THERE'S A FRIGGIN' GARDEN GNOME IN MY EAR!"
"Right then. I'll call Algernon." I concluded
I did just that and the camel came bounding into the room and ripped the offending lawn ornament from my cousins ear.
"Garden gnome swine!" Algernon yelled
With that, the gnome broke down in tears.
"It's not my fault! I had an unhappy childhood! Me mum sold me to a florist when I was just a lad! I was picked on by all the other gnomes! Violence is the only way I know how to communicate!" he sobbed.
Then, through the window climbed Jerry Springer carrying that butt-ugly painting with him.
He stood in front of Algernon and started to say his final thoughts.
"It's sad when young garden gnomes are victimised. I hope there is a valuable lesson in all of this. Take care of yourselves and each ot..."
"Oh would you bloody well shut up!" yelled Percy, smashing the painting over Jerry's head.
"Algernon! Set the gnome on Jerry!" I yelled, and the camel did just that.
So the garden gnome found his true calling in life. Attacking cheesy talk show hosts.
It was the last I ever saw of the gnome.
But just know, if you ever see a hideous garden gnome with red eyes and fangs, RUN!