This is a rather humorous story about a friend of mine and I who once got lost coming home.....it's all completely true, believe it or not!
R/R and let me know how dumb you think we were ;)

*Names have been changed to protect the stupid*

BTW, if you are blond and get insulted by 'dumb blond' references, don't read this. I warn you now.


Scully and I (Heaven) decided to take a day trip to Great America in late July. We started by waking up (slowly) around 8 AM. Getting up that early even for Great America is a sin to begin with. That, I suppose, should have been our first forewarning. Since we had been smart the night before and gotten all of our things together, we just threw it all in Scully's 'Cherry Poppin' car and took off, blasting the radio to Everclear and some Ghetto Superstar. Scully had managed to find a shortcut and we arrived uneventfully at the park in 50 minutes. A new record. Of course we weren't speeding. We are perfect angels on the road. Ok …sorry I am digressing. On with the story…

Scully and I later met up with some people from work and actually managed to have a good time despite the fact that she had horrific sunburn from the day before when she went jet skiing. That and the fact that she did not wear any sun block that day did not help her out any. Wearing SPF 40 the day before had done nothing so she decided not to bother with the greasy stuff that day. We ran straight to Batman and proceeded to ride it at LEAST 4 or 5 times that day.

Later on Scully could not ride much because of her burn. No Giant Drop and no more Batman for her. She spent most of her time watching my backpack and spraying clear stuff on her skin, which had no effect cause the sun was like a southern roaster. Well around 9:30 we both decided we had had enough and left. I figured I would get home no later than 11 so that I could get online. Ha! What happened after we left that parking lot was an experience that neither of us will forget for a LONG time!

Scully had reversed her directions so we would take the same way home. We started getting quite confused when we came to a sign for Rt. 23 or something like that. No sign saying east or west, nothing north or south. Just left or right. Tell me, at night, with no compass, how the HELL were we supposed to know what east or west was??? We decided to go left onto 23. That did happen to be the right way…until we started getting into unfamiliar territory. It was the town of Highland Park. Hello- we did NOT pass Highland Park to get to the amusement park. We quickly put our blond brains together and realized- hey we got a little lost! Smart huh. Putting those same brain cells together we stopped at a gas station for some directions to get to Rt. 59.

Scully went inside and got directions from the lady inside. So, we left and I read off the directions to Scully. Lord, do we ever wish that we had been men and not stopped to ask. We might have gotten home six hours earlier. Duh- surprise surprise- she had NO clue what the HELL she was talking about. She was really a blond. Really, Scully swears it. So anyways we got on some expressway- I believe it was the Edens- and started going GOD knows where. I saw a sign for County Line Road and like moths drawn to light we followed it like we were possessed. A ray of hope, that's what it was. At least that is what we thought at the time. Well, as we reached the top of the inclined ramp we faced a new dilemma. Right or left??? We turned left, and about a quarter mile down the road saw a sign for Chicago. Uhhhhh no…. not Chicago. Not now anyway. So Scully pulled a u-turn and we headed the other way.

We drove, and drove, and drove, and drove- get the picture yet? - And we were now driving up and down hills, stopping at signs almost every 5 seconds. Meanwhile, inside the car Scully had the air conditioning on so high that I could see my damn breath in front of me. My eyelids were also crystallized. If I had facial hair then it would have been covered in snow as well. She, on the other hand was burning up like she was in her own personal section of Hell! She was as red as a lobster and looked like a Blister Queen. Her best friend at the time was her can of Solarcaine. If that stuff had been perfume I would have died from the fumes. Well we decided to prove to ourselves how smart we were and pulled over at yet another gas station. One good thing- no stupid blond at this one giving the wrong directions. Just your basic dumb ass non english speaking idiot who works at a gas station and could not give us directions to the hole in his ass if we had really wanted to get there. Not bloody likely.

We asked for Rt. 59. He looked at us like we had eight eyes. Actually he was staring more at the eyes on our chests. Yah thanks you dirty bastard we were quite aware that we were female. And the funniest damn part of this was he was not even familiar with the continental US. We swear he told us that. As anyone could see he was no help whatsoever. I decided the best thing to do at this point was call my father. He travels all roads quite often and knows his way everywhere. He, of course was quite worried and angry that we had driven ourselves all the way to Evanston! A little out of our way…just a little (haha). The attendant came out and after staring at us again told us to ask another guy that was pumping his gas. We said that we had directions. We quickly got into the car and left.

After driving for about another 10 minutes, and this is a bit off the story, but we passed this really extremely creepy building. It was big and white with lights shining off it at every angle. It must have been a Devil Worshipper place. Those were our vibes from it at least. I mean- it actually got our hair standing on end, that is how damned spooky this place was. It looked like something from The Exorcist. As one would assume, we sped away as fast as we dared to at about midnight.

We reached the town of Wilmette. (A bit of geography, Wilmette is about 1 mile away from Lake Michigan) Scully by this time was feeling extremely faint, dizzy, thirsty, hot, she tells me that she felt like her whole body was on fire, and duh, she was driving! Wonderful. One can only imagine what was going through MY mind at the moment. We pulled off at guess- yes guess… Yup- another gas station. Too bad this isn't Jeopardy huh? By this time Scully was so sick that she couldn't drive any more. We got out and got pretty much the same reception at this one that we got at the last one only this guy was not a dirty.

Scully decided that she would call her stepfather and see if he could get us out of this predicament. Crying hysterically, she tried to explain what was going on. At this point I believe she was more worried that she would faint at the wheel. Her stepfather told us to either call 911 or find a hotel to stay at for the night. During this, the guy inside the station turned off all the frickin lights!!! So we were left standing in the back of the gas station all alone. By some broken up fence and a huge garbage dumpster that anyone could have been hiding behind or inside of. So while she was on the phone I kept a sharp lookout for any moving or suspicious shadows.

Scully proceeded to call 911 and within about 10 minutes a really damn, yummy looking cop showed up. That helped things some of course. The cop asked us if we had a map in the car. Did we, you ask?? No, of course not. So the cop went inside the closed station and bought us a map. He came back out and spread it on the hood of her car. He then took his finger on his left hand and asked us where we needed to get. We told him Algonquin so he placed his finger there.

"Now would you like to know where you are?"

So with his right finger he pointed.

"OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!"

His finger was on the town of Wilmette about 5 feet across the frickin map! That had to be the highlight of the whole escapade- Scully and I started to laugh because this situation was becoming too damn hysterical! At this point Scully began a "strip show" after the cop noticed just how red she was. Boy was she ever so willing to bear it all to show how sunburned she was. We believed the cop enjoyed it as much if not more than her! By the way this is my shirt her blisters are popping on!!!!! He called for an Ambulance and within minutes there they were. I had to drive Scully's car behind the ambulance.

This was the night destined for mistakes because I ran my first red light. Then when I got to the hospital there were about 5 parking spaces and none available. So I had to go park about 100 feet away from the godforsaken hospital in the street! This was nothing compared to what Scully had to be going through in the ambulance and a few minutes later in the emergency room. I'm handing this part of the story over to her to tell first hand.

So Heaven was parking my car and calling her father, while watching a woman in labor, which I am sure capped off the evening's entertainment for her. I was shaking so bad from the burns and the fear of hospitals that I have that I didn't know if I needed to pee or throw up. My teeth were chattering even though I was far from cold. The cop and the men in the ambulance were so nice but they had to strap me in on the way there, and they let me walk into the hospital. I was led into a room all the way in the corner (Which was probably because I bared my top half to the cop.)

Heaven was gone somewhere and I was in there alone on the hospital bed probably causing an earthquake. I'm surprised the bed didn't melt or come apart from the heat and the quivering I was radiating off of my body. A nurse assistant told me to take off my shirt and bra (Well I didn't have a problem with that- I bare it to cops!) The assistant asked me the standard questions:

Name: Scully
Age: I think 19
Address: uhhhhhhh… etc.

The nurse came in and cut the gown into a shirt because I would have to wear it for a couple of days. It was open in the front and had 2 ties in the front that didn't really stay shut for long. The breeze felt good on my chest that was flopping in the breeze. Then Heaven came in while I modeled my new attire, which was far from a fashion statement might I add. Remind anyone of the typical work uniform?

At this time I began to really have to pee so I went- in the bathroom-and came back. Heaven looked like she was very concerned so I started to laugh and we both talked about how this would be funny someday. The nurse came in and looked me over- the damn gown was clinging to my raw flesh. I started to feel faint while the nurse was applying the cream and everything began to get fuzzy and I felt like I was going to pass out. The nurse rushed out to get me some orange juice because I was so dehydrated and sick. This made me feel a lot better they gave me some prescriptions and some extra orange juice and some Vicadin to take.

After this I went and used the phone to call my stepfather to let him know what was going on. Some lady was in the hospital sitting by the phone talking to Heaven about the bumps on her arms. Well guess what I had the same bumps but mine were from sun poisoning. After the bump talk, we were on our way I began to feel the effect of the Vicadin and feeling higher than the sun in the sky I turned over my keys to Heaven for the ride home.

Was I ever glad to leave the hospital. Dragged down by about 20 containers of orange juice and multiple glasses of water for Scully, we managed to stagger back to her car. Back on the road, she consulted the map and recalled the cop's directions to get back to County Line Road. So we were driving and driving again, only this time I think there was a somewhat brighter outlook on things. At least, until we realized that once again we were no longer on the right road. It had turned off and we had not noticed. So we turned back, AGAIN, and passed it. Great. So I pulled over to a small driveway thing and did another famous u-turn. But this time, another cop saw us and followed us for about a minute or so before flipping on his lights and pulling us over.

Scully and I just looked at each other and rolled our eyes. I actually started freaking out because for one thing it was now about 1 AM, I was tired, I was getting pretty damn cranky, and all I wanted to do was get myself home. Well this cop walks up to our car and asked us the million-dollar question of the night;

"Are you two lost?"

What could we do but nod like the two idiots we were at the moment? The older cop asked to see my license so we had to go through the WHOLE story again, and explain how this was Scully's car and I was driving it, how she was wearing half a hospital gown- I think she was going to bare it again too- and why we were out after 1 AM driving like Miss Daisy. The younger cuter cop actually stayed by her car and flirted with us for a while. I was always up for some flirting. That was another highlight. So he ran a check on my license and Scully's insurance and all that and said that he would take us over to the Edens. Ahhhh we thought that we were finally getting somewhere!

So the cop led us to the Edens and we got off there and we are driving, driving, driving, and we see that SAME exit to County Line Road. So this time, we went left again, which WAS the right way mind you, and we passed that Chicago sign that had us all screwed up in the first place. We both figured the night could not get any crazier. And believe it or not- WE WERE FINALLY ON THE RIGHT TRACK! Yup I had a sudden urge to call Ripley's. So I made a turn where the map indicated and we saw about four cop cars on the side of the road with all their lights flashing. Scully, stuck in her daze, said something along the lines of;

"Wouldn't it be funny if the cops from Wilmette had them waiting here to see if we made it?"

Well as soon as I passed them one started following us for about a mile down the road. Then, of course, she puts on her lights to pull us over. We were both on the verge of near hysterical laughter again at that point. She comes up to the driver's side, and like so many people, wondered what two girls were doing outside driving alone at 2 AM. So we told her, the whole story, once again (see this is how we know what happened so well) and her next question was " Have you been drinking?"

Well I figured if I had, that would have topped off the evening with a frickin bang. I could just picture my parents whom I knew were waiting up for me receiving a phone call from the cops telling them their daughter was a drunken maniac who would not stop laughing. I am sure I would have floated home or something along those lines. But, obviously I was in God's good graces that night (although one can already tell that Scully was experiencing her own personal hell) so I was able to tell her no. She let us go after that. Well, after about another half hour, 45 minutes we were near Barrington, which is one town over from Algonquin, where I currently live.

Scully lives in Carpentersville, which is also next to Barrington. So anyway, we were driving down a now familiar to me street and of course, us acting like lunatics the whole damn night finally caught up to us and we were both almost falling asleep right there in the car. That would not have been so bad for her, but in my case I needed the wide eye approach.

As we began the final stretch, I saw the streetlights ahead for Rt. 62. I swear on my life I have NEVER been so happy to see that stinking road in my life!!!! I wanted to stop the car and get out and fall down and kiss it I was so happy to be back in familiar territory. We crossed over 62 to Rt. 25, which would take us to the road that would lead us to Scully's house. It was now about 3 AM and five and a half hours after we had left the stupid park. Scully stumbled into her doorway in her mock shirt/hospital gown and calls her stepfather to take me home. She then got on the phone with her boyfriend at the time and proceeded to tell him, at 3 AM, the whole story.

By that point it was all I could do to climb the stoop to get inside and I collapsed on the couch until her stepfather got there. I frickin felt like I had just climbed Mt. Everest. I was cold, wearing a tank top and shorts, and I was still somewhat wet from the water rides earlier that day. Not too good a feeling- Word from Heaven the wise: Don't ever stay in some wet shorts. It's basically common knowledge but then again, I go by the name of Heaven don't I??? So I finally arrived home around 3:30 AM and the ordeal was over…at least until later that morning when I had to go to work at 8 AM and explain why the hell I had dark circles under my eyes making me look like a raccoon, a droopy face cause I had no muscle control cause they were all still sleeping. So yes…once again, the whole sordid story was told, and yes, now here it is all on paper. Or on a computer screen depending on how you get this story.

I hope you found it amusing, cause it sure as hell was not fun to go through but now as Scully and I think back we laugh like the two lunatics all those cops must have thought we were.

Moral of this story:
1. Always keep a map in your car
2. Go to gas stations where Americans work
3. If you are smart, you won't go anywhere with Scully or I. You just may never see your regular life again.