Temporal Distortions, Mathematics and YOU

Author's note: This is my take on why math class seems to take so bloody long. If you like math, don't be offended or anything, it's all in fun. Oh, and when you're done, review, s'il vous plait!

Temporal Distortions, Mathematics and YOU!

By Artemis Rain

Mrs. Jones stands at the blackboard, erasing equations and assignments, while her math class files listlessly out of the room. She looks like a sweet old lady; gray hair, glasses, soft blue eyes; a gentle, kind-looking woman and well-liked teacher. But looks can be deceiving. In actuality, she is just the same as all math teachers-an evil soul-stealing demon. Oh, sure, math teachers may start out as nice people in collage or university, wanting to do good and spread knowledge throughout young people, but eventually, the Math gets them. The Math gets them all. As her students leave the classroom, yawning and staggering, one can be heard remarking, "Man, is it just me, or did that class seem to take forever!" Similar remarks can be heard among the students, as well as comments about illnesses that have suddenly worsened, or old sicknesses mysteriously reappearing. Mrs. Jones smiles when she hears these, because she knows the truth. The truth the brainless and sheep-like students will never understand. She knows about the Math Timewarp.

Since it is the first day of school, she has another class to introduce to the new principles of mathematics they'll be subject to this year. The bell rings and they file into the classroom, buzzing excitedly about their last class or what so-and-so said in the hall. Completely oblivious to the horrible fate that awaits them. Mrs. Jones chuckles slightly. She likes to get them when they're fresh and exited. She hands out the course outlines, smiling and conversing with the students. They really seem to like her. They suspect she'll become their favourite teacher. How wrong they are.

Mrs. Jones tells them to open their books and get out their calculators. Even though it's the first day of math class for these students, she doesn't like to waste time, and she's hungry, so she gets right down to the calculations. As the students become engrossed in the math, they don't notice that the clock's hands are starting to move more slowly, and they are slowly beginning to get very tired. Mrs. Jones grins. The Math Timewarp is starting.

Twenty minutes pass. Some students check the clock and are surprised to see that the class has only started. They wonder how it can be that they have done so much in only four minutes. They don't realize that for every minute that passes in the outside world, five Math minutes pass in the math classroom. Mrs. Jones is sitting at her desk basking in the energy flowing like wine out of the students. As time slows, the energy is slowly drained from their bodies and fed into her. Math teachers don't eat food like normal people, for the excellent reason that they're not normal people. They feed off of the energy drained from the students by the Math Timewarp. Another minutes passes, and the students feel all five of the Math minutes that pass during that time. Shoulders begin to sag, eyelids begin to droop. Some students may notice that any illness they have is worsened, or colds they thought they were over starting to affect them again. This is perfectly normal. The energy drainage by the Math Timewarp often temporarily weakens the immune system, and this is felt more by those with an already weak immune system, weakened by disease.

The minutes drag on, and Math minutes become Math hours. When the bell finally rings, many students are asleep, others are still pouring drone-like over pages of repetitive calculations. They feel as though they spent the whole day in math class, which, in a sense, they did. They awaken, yawn and stretch, and gather their books for their next class. They leave the classroom wearily, all their previous enthusiasm gone, drained by the Math Timewarp. Mrs. Jones begins contentedly erasing the blackboard, pleased by the meal, and waits for the next batch of unsuspecting teenagers to wander happily into her classroom.