Nine Months to Live, Nine Months to Die
I don't exactly know why I do what I do. I guess I'm just a mind that tried to succeed so much that it got pushed the wrong way. There never seems to be a way to erase everything either. Like those little marks erasers leave after they wipe out something. You can write over it, but it's still there. I guess I'm just disturbed. Maybe if I talked to someone it would help. And I mean talk. Emotions aren't good things for me. I can't accept the fact that someone cares about me for some reason. I feel… out of place. Like I don't deserve it. I think too hard about the opinions of others. I break down because of my thoughts, sometimes. I collapse inside. Nobody really understands why though. I'm still scared of people. I don't like being around them. I think I'll get hurt again. I'm afraid to be less than them. I can't be less than them. I don't know why I haven't killed myself yet. Maybe I still think that one morning I'll wake up and everything will be perfect. One day I'll wake up as a newborn and everything will be right again. Everything I wish for every single day of my damned life, everything will finally come true. Then again, that will never happen… so I don't know why I wait.
It's getting harder and harder for me to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Do you believe in fate? Maybe that's why I'm always crying. Or maybe it's because I'm just some sort of baby who can't handle the real world. Who knows? I bought a spearmint plant today. It smells so lovely, but it looks quite sickly. I'm going to try and bring it back to life… Maybe it will work? Today, I made a wish, the first time ever that I made a wish about something I didn't ever want before. I wished for death today. Death, it seems so appealing to me now. So appealing. I scream for it sometimes, when I try and fall asleep. Sometimes, I go hoarse because I yell for it to come get me so much… so loudly. Does it not hear me? Do you not hear me scream, Death? I can't leave until you're black death-mobile comes to take me away, you know. Or can I?
I can't fall asleep anymore. Every five minutes now, I shoot awake, afraid of people staring and laughing at me. WHY? Doesn't it ever stop? I guess not. I guess it never will, will it? These dreams keep attacking me when I need protection most. I used to embrace the time I slept, but now I only shun it. What's happening to me? I believe that Death is coming closer now, finally I believe. I only wish I didn't have to go through this trial before he comes. My parents I think are ignoring me now, I'm becoming too strange for them, I think. If only they really understood! But, no, I'm too afraid to tell them, I just need an outlet I think. But whom do I go to? Who?
Days go by now with such a timid expression and it's getting harder for me to feel like a human being. I stare at people, happy people, and just wonder. They seem so content with their lives, just so… I don't know, accepting. Why can't I be that way? I shouldn't be complaining about my life, there are so many more who have it worse. I feel so selfish, yet I can't shed the feeling (or thought) of suicide. It's so painful waiting, day by day, just to die. What reason is there to wake up if all you wish for is to drop back down? There really isn't one that I can think of… not one. I told one of my friends, one of my best friends, the other day that I wanted to die. She said that I was just overreacting to everything. I couldn't help but cry then, the first time in a while for me. It wasn't even face to face, just merely through a computer screen. And yet, I still cried… What's wrong with me?
I watched the sunrise today. I stayed up all the way until 8 this morning, then collapsed on my bed for about an hour. The sky was so beautiful, and I wondered why I hadn't ever watched it before. Nobody was awake then, not one person in the house. I was so excited too, because I walked outside and just sat down on the driveway, staring up. I had a horrible pain in my neck though, once I got back inside. But the sky, it was so… so calming. Even though the colours were quite vibrant, I still felt like just closing my eyes and dreaming. Dreams without any subliminal nightmares in them, wouldn't that be paradise. It's been a while now since I left my wrists alone. I can barely even recognize my skin anymore, it's all scarred. Maybe, if I ever live to be old, I can just remember everything I hated way back when. Not likely.
Basketball was a real eye opener today. I was with my best friend, I told her a while ago about me wanting to die. She understood. When I played with her, we decided to do some sort of fortune telling thing, where we shot baskets and if we made them, then the answer was yes, and if we didn't, the answer was no. I asked if I would kill myself within the year… I made the basket. Now, my friend is worried, and won't leave me alone. She cares about me? were my first thoughts. I didn't think that would even be fathomable. When I got home, I threw the basketball against the wall. Why did this have to happen? I don't need someone to actually care. I just want to be dead! Not missed. Dead. She will be hurt too, once I leave. What will make her leave me alone? What can I do to make her not care? Death, why did you do this to me?
My parents took me to a psychiatrist today. They put me on medications and everything. Now… I just feel gutted. I have no feeling anymore, it's so hard for me to write. What do you do when you don't have anything left to feel? It makes me believe that I'm dependent on some stupid pill(s). I can't stand it anymore. Now that I'm barely ever sleeping, the bags under my eyes are huge. Maybe I'm carrying baggage for the trip down to Hell? Not out of the realm of possibility in my eyes. I'm starting to have daydreams about my funeral. I try to imagine who will cry, and who will laugh. Who will even show up. My best friend is laughing now. She used to be crying. I finally told her that I hated her for everything she ever did to me. It hurt me so much to tell her. I told her I hated her… but I loved her. What have I done?
My plant looks so horrible now. The leaves are brown, and I can't smell the spearmint anymore. It's going to die… should I go with it? I started writing suicide notes today, in every one I asked for the plant to be buried at my grave… if there is one. It's tried to grow like me, but just like me, it failed… and eventually died. I feel so bad for the spearmint plant. It didn't need to go. It really didn't need to go… but I know I do. I have to go… I can't stand it here anymore, I just… can't take it. The medicine is making me inhuman now. I don't feel anything… I'd rather spend my life in a mental asylum and feel than go my entire life as a zombie. I really would. But the time is here now… and I want to go by with it, damnit! Death, I don't care if you've come or not, I'm leaving on the next train out of here. I've already bought the knife… soon… soon I'll be gone.