The Adventures of Captain Sarcasm and Nitpick Boy VS Avoidance Man and the Overly-Long Title


On a rainy and dreary day in the basement of the Fortress of Sarcasm, Captain Sarcasm and his faithful sidekick, Nitpick Boy, continue their never-ending battle against boredom.
"What lovely weather we're having. At least we have something to do," the Captain noted. "Go fish." He held his cards and waited for Pun Boy's next move.
"I have a question."
"Oh, this oughta be good," Captain Sarcasm said...sarcastically, of course.
"How do we make money?"
"With our Microsoft stock."
"But we don't have any - oh, right. Sarcasm. And I have another question. Who built this secret hideout? Did we have to kill the contractors, architect, electricians, and other people after they made it, so that they wouldn't know our secret?"
"It popped up out of thin air. Just make your move!" Before Nitpick Boy could respond with another insight, a message flashed from the emergency marquee.
WARNING --- BE ON THE LOOK-OUT FOR AVOIDANCE MAN --- HE WAS LAST SEEN AT THE SEVENTY-TWO AND TWENTY-FIFTHS BANK AND IS CONSIDERED EXTREMELY CREEPY --- THANK YOU, HAVE A NICE DAY --- THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY YAHOO.COM (DO YOU, UH, YAHOO?)
"Holy holes, Captain Sarcasm! What should we do about it?"
"Gee, we couldn't possibly go to the Sarcasm Mobile!" Captain Sarcasm heads to the main computer central control room, where he presses a lot of shiny flashing buttons that somehow lead him to the Sarcasm Mobile. Putting pedal to the metal, the Sarcasm Mobile screams down the streets of Generic City. Captain Sarcasm and his sidekick had no idea exactly where Avoidance Man was at the time, but being superheroes, they were bound to run into him by way of coincidence. Surely enough, they did run into him...literally.
SCREEEEEECH, BAM, THUD, OH NO!
Onomatopoeia flew through the air like it was going out of style. Captain Sarcasm, being the caring one, (yeah, right) rushed to see who or what he hit.
"Holy coincidence! You hit Avoidance Man!"
"Brilliant observation, Sherlock."
"What...what happened?" Avoidance Man hesitantly asked, as if awaking from sleep.
"Hey! You got hit by a car going 60 mph! And not a mark on you?!?!"
"Well...I am a Super Villain."
"No, you aren't." Nitpick Boy punches Avoidance Man's lights out, to prove a point. The villain is out for the count. "See? If you're so super, why did that affect you at all? And another thing, why is it that, in movie and television, any person can knock out any other person with one punch? That wouldn't work in real life."
"Sure, it can." Captain Sarcasm took a look at the passed out crook. "I'm sure he'll be out for a long time."
"Not likely. If he stays unconscious for too long, the story will get very boring."
Avoidance Man sat back up. "What's going on? Is that you, Chandr - mmMM?" Avoidance Man was interrupted by the application of masking tape on his lips from Captain Sarcasm.
"You're going down to the station for some questioning! Just like any typical criminal!" Nitpick Boy explained. "Even though, technically, we don't have any real proof that you did anything wrong, we know you must've, because you're the bad guy! What else would a bad guy do at a bank?"
"Well-put, NB." Captain Sarcasm rolled his eyes.
Later on, at the station, our two heroes question the suspect.
"What were you doing at the whatever-confusing number bank?"
"Well, I was going there, to...hey, that's a nice tie you're wearing."
"Yeah, it's real classy."
"Answer the question!"
"Okay, I had a scam going. I was planning to trick the bank. And I did, until the police found out."
"Ah-ha! So you conned it!"
"Wow. That obscure pun didn't require any set-up at all." Captain Sarcasm said.
"I'm questioning over here!" Nitpick Boy got back to the subject at hand. "Now, would you be willing to testify, in court, that you committed whatever crime you committed."
"Well, you see, the answer is, that the answer could only be answered and that's what you know if you know it."
"AAH! The half-answer of doom!"
"Yes. Very dangerous."
"You'll never catch me, you...you...goody-goody doody-heads!"
"Ooh, clever insult."
"I can avoid any question! And all it costs me is the respect of others! But I'll never admit to anything! Anything! You hear meeee?" Avoidance Man tried to run away, then realized that he was already in a jail cell somehow. "That's not fair! I've been married for 14...no, wait...17....um, 15...no, it was...wait...well, I've been married for a long time, and I respect my family!"
"There's too much to nitpick there."
"He's not creepy at all."
"Let's go home, Cap'n."
And the two left...to find adventure in another day.



THE END





OR IS IT?





YEAH, IT IS





Final draft - 09-04-01
Kevin Magpoc
Any unauthorized duplication is useless, and just plain sad.