Steaming Pile of Sitcom

Writer and producer: Kevin Magpoc

The main character enters his unrealistically clean home, just as the audience applauds for some reason.

"Oh, man. What an awful day." he says. "I was fired from my job, my waitress talked back to me, and I was arrested and put in jail for jaywalking! It can't get any worse than this!"

On cue, the main character's annoying neighbor walks in without knocking.

"Heidi-ho! Hyuk hyuk!"

"I spoke too soon, I guess," the main character says. "Gee, comic relief neighbor. You sure are annoying to me."

"Oh, yeah? I'm just a bit part in this show. If you think I'm annoying now, wait until I take over the role of main character. Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!"

"Hey, you've read your necessary lines. Exit off of the set for some reason."

Doing as told, the wacky neighbor exits.

"I knew I should've changed the locks."

The title sequence plays while clips from older episodes play.

He's a guy with problems up the wazoo!

Hey, this song ain't catchy, what can ya do?

Why are you watching this? At least give me a reason!

I bet this show won't make it to its soph-o-more season!

It's the ... main character showwww!

The main character enters the perfectly clean kitchen and greets his wife with a peck on the cheek. "Hi, honey!"

"Hi, sweetie!" she says. "How was work?"

"I was fired."

"Oh, don't worry. You'll end up working at a demeaning and shameful job for about two days until you somehow conveniently get your old job back."

"You're probably right. You know, that has happened five times already. But enough about me. How was your day?"

"Well, I did the laundry, picked up the dry cleaning, dusted and vacuumed the house, picked up the boys from baseball practice and the girls from soccer practice, went shopping, cooked dinner, washed the dishes, taught myself self-defense, and still had time to enjoy myself while I planted flowers in the garden. But you know me, I can't complain!"

"That's the woman I married! So, how are our eleven kids doing?"

"Not too well. They have problems."

"Like what?"

"Wellll...Doug's into drugs, Pat thinks she's fat, Billy has a bully, it's Kate's first date, Stu has the flu, Cass skipped class, Dan wrecked the van, Jill's on the pill, Steve wants to leave, Jess is obsessed, and our little Huberty's growing into puberty."

"Sounds like a normal season. Well, don't worry. Each of this problems will only take twenty-two minutes at the most to solve."

"Ah-ah-ah...are you sure about that?"

"Oh, except for sweeps week. Then, there might be a two-parter."

"What did I tell you?"

"The man is always wrong and must always apologize to the woman, but never the other way around."

"That's better," the wife says, before turning to the eleven kids sitting at the table. "Now, who's up for some product-placement ice cream!"

Fade to commercial.