The Divine Comedy
My seat in hell has been reserved ;-).
Statuary Warning: If you are religious this piece is going to make you hopping mad. I am sure God is a good-humored guy, in fact, I bet he is reading it right now, and laughing uproariously. If you enjoy this, you are sick, and need to see a shrink. As for me, I claim insanity.J "
It was another quite day in heaven. When Metamor requested audience God was in his parlor getting his big white beard and long hair bleached. God couldn't turn down Metamor, even at an un-appropriate time like this, he was God's favorite angel after all.
"Oh my god! I bow to you thrice," said Metamor and exercised his supple back accordingly.
"What is it that demands such urgency Metamor. I hope you know, you will regret it later if this isn't worth it," said God in his booming voice (echo added by the Heavenly Audio Effects Inc.).
"Your holiness, I've finally thought of a completely new form of entertainment."
"Really! You have. Have you? Tell me all about it," said God, for he was sick and tired of the dancing fairy shows and all that other crap that the angels threw at him.
"It's a totally new method God. I call it 'The Reality Show'. I propose you create a creature that will be your pet. Just create a cage for it, and it'll be happy playing around. You can watch it 24 hours secretly on your TV set. Won't it be a nice diversion from the song and dance routine?"
"Hmmm… Let me think Metamor," said God and he thought.
In a way Metamor was right. All those angels looked the same, there was no diversity, their dances lacked innovation and their jokes were all stale. Only Lucifer had been a bit original, but God had to exile him after he cracked some really dirty jokes about the head female angel.
"Damn those women libbers!" exclaimed God in anger.
So, God thought and thought. He thought for three days in a row, and finally decided what he wanted. He called Metamor and announced.
"Hey Metamor. I'll create a pet, and this one is gonna be special."
"I am going to give him the power of thinking, and I am going to make him un-predictable, and since I want to make a good looking thing, he's gonna look like me." God chuckled. "Now tell me. Ain't I smart?"
"Errr… God, I don't think that's such a nice idea, can't you create something that looks different?"
"Hmm… What if you don't like it and decide to destroy it? If you create something that looks like you, the angels will naturally associate you with it, and if you destroy it later, they will think you aren't so great after all. Secondly, how can something that looks like God be destroyed? You are supposed to be invulnerable."
"I know I am gonna like this one Metamor. Don't bug me anymore or I'll turn you into a bug."
"Errr… Sorry God. Don't be upset, I was merely presenting my opinion." Metamore withdrew hastily, apparently he didn't relish the idea of being turned into a bug.
"Let there be light…" said God.
Adam sat on the boredom rock. He had been sitting there everyday since last one month. In fact he had spent so much time on it that his butt had started to shape itself according to the contours of the rock. (Granted it wasn't as comfortable as a chair from Heavenly Seats Inc., but he hadn't paid a cent.)
The rock was in a clearing in the forest, a beautiful and quite place, quite perfect to be bored in. Adam was infernally bored. Right! God had created all that stuff for him, the rivers, the sky, the animals and only God knows what more, but how long can one play with lions or listen to the music of mosquitoes. Adam had seen it all, done everything there was to do, there was nothing new in his life.
While Adam sat on the rock and thought, Metamor watched him from behind one of the bushes. His heart grew heavier with anxiety. If this continued God would be upset, he had created Eden so that he could watch Adam play around, and this jerk was sitting on a rock doing nothing.
"I don't want a pet rock Metamor, I want a pet human. Make him do something. If he continues to sit on the rock like that, I am gonna hang your feathers in my trophy room." God had threatened him this morning.
Metamor decided to talk to Adam. "Heh heh... Adam ol' pal. What are you doing here bud? Why don't you ride some Zebras, or climb Giraffe necks?"
Adam looked at him with his sad tired eyes and waved his hand to brush him away.
Metamor wasn't going to give up, so he decided to use a different approach.
"Hey Adam. Tell me what's wrong my friend. Do you have a head ache? But that's not possible. God hasn't invented tummy ache yet. What is it?"
Adam looked at him with his sad tired eyes again, and lifted his hand to brush him off once more.
"OK you dumb little nitwit, if you don't tell me what's wrong in next two seconds, I am gonna stuff this rock where the sun don't shine," Metamor shouted loudly.
Adam seemed to wake up suddenly. "Uh… I am sorry Metamor, wasn't listening. What do you want?"
'There! It always works,' thought Metamor.
"Tell me what is wrong Adam my friend." He went back to his nice and friendly tone.
"I don't want to live anymore Metamor. It's oh so boring. If God didn't have the imagination to make the world interesting, who can you trust?"
'Uh, oh. This is more dangerous than I thought. If God hears this he's gonna have my hide.' Thought Metamor and flew away before Adam could utter more blasphemy.
He was back in God's palace in less than a minute (curtsy 'Insta wings': the latest innovation in air travel).
"Hey God! What's going on? I got news for you." He yelled loudly. As a favored angel one could afford to take some liberties.
"What is it Metamor, did you do something about Adam?"
"I found out what's wrong."
"You did? Wow. You are pretty smart for a twerp. Tell me all about it."
"Adam is bored God."
"Hmm… and what do you suggest.
"Come near me and I'll tell you," Metamor spread out his hands.
"What do you mean?" God said in an angry voice.
"Errr… Sorry, I meant I want to whisper in your ear."
"There's a reader watching our conversation…Dummy." The last word was added as an afterthought in a very low voice.
"Naah… I am not bringing my ear near your mouth, you spit while you speak. I don't want spit in my ear."
"Err.... OK, we'll use the phone then."
So, Metamor dialed God's number (786 in case anyone's wondering. What? Don't believe me? Ok, ask the muslims.) on his all new Sony (Yeah! Why do you think they're so rich? They've got God backing 'em) phone and talked to God (curtsy Heaven Telecommunications).
"Hello! Is that God?"
"It's me alright, we don't get wrong numbers in Heaven you squirt. Now tell me your plan."
"Psst…psst…psst…psst.." (This conversation could not be catalogued as there was disturbance in the line—Heaven Telecommunications blames it on the rains.)
Adam still sat on the rock. The sharp points in the hard rock were burning holes in his soft buns (no he hadn't heard of butt firming cream yet) but it was the only diversion to the tremendous boredom, and he bore it with a grimace.
Suddenly he saw none other than God walking up to him. Getting up to his feet promptly, he greeted God with a really low bow.
"Hi Adam! How's my little guy today." God asked cheerfully.
"I am OK Boss." Groaned Adam
"Cool! Guess what we are gonna do today?"
"I am not in a mood to play checkers again Boss."
"Balderdash! We ain't playing no game of checkers. Today, I am gonna make you a mate."
"Err.... What is a mate Boss? I am quite happy as a man. Don't want to be a mate."
"You Moron! I didn't mean I am gonna turn you into a mate. I meant I will make a mate for you."
"What do you do with a mate Boss? Is it another animal?"
"What do you do to a mate? Err… you mate with it. Hmm…OK. Here's how you do it…."
(This conversation is censored due to liberal use of terms and references that are not appropriate for kids and dimwitted people like our reader.)
God told Adam all about the mate, and what to do with it. Adam's eyes went wider as he listened to God, he didn't even protest when God asked for one of Adam's ribs to make the mate with.
Later, God presented the mate to Adam, and named her Eve for she was created in the evening.
God made the mate exactly like he promised he would, and Adam started to enjoy life once more. That was, until she started behaving oddly and Adam discovered God had forgotten to put brains in her.
She would get mysterious headaches at all the wrong times, but Metamor had said that a headache wasn't possible in Heaven. Adam attributed this to the lack of brains in her head. (Now gals, we know it takes a mighty good amount of brains; not to mention acting talent, to pull that shtick off convincingly, but let's not tell Adam that ;-)
So, Adam had to beg and grovel before Eve for little mercies (Do I really have to tell you what kind?). In the end she could deftly twist him all around her little finger. She made him wake up early each day, and he'd get her fruits and water and flowers and everything else she wanted. She sent him running after turkeys and chicken and made him clamber up tall trees for coconut water. Whenever she wanted anything, she just had to pout and stamp and Adam would rush to do her bidding.
Metamor was happy to see his plan work wonderfully. Adam was as obsessed with his mate as a fish is with water, but unfortunately his happiness didn't last long. God was getting bored again, he was sick and tired of the same old routine that Adam and Eve played every day. He wanted something different, and if Metamor couldn't produce it, he'd have his feathers.
So Metamor thought and thought and thought. He thought so much that his head started spinning, his halo dimmed and he started seeing two of everything, but he didn't stop thinking. Finally one day he got a big idea and rushed to tell God about it.
"God! Old boy here's a capital idea that could solve your entertainment problem forever."
"Really? Hmm… I feel you are onto something this time twerp. This is a tall claim, anything less than that and I use your skin as my living room carpet." (Cleaning and mounting to be done by Angelic Tanneries Inc.)
"You won't need to God. Here's my plan. Introduce Chaos in Adam's life."
"Chaos? What is that?"
"Err… you wanted to make Adam unpredictable, but he didn't turn out so unpredictable after all. So make his environment unpredictable, change everything around him so that he will have to struggle to live."
"Hmm…. Are you trying to give God a bad name dunderhead? If I mistreat my subjects what will the Angels think?"
"I've thought about that too God. You can make Lucifer your secret agent and he'll do all the dirty work for you. All you need to do is plant a tree. So what do you say God? All game… heh?
"OK. Let me hear the plan."
Metamor whipped out his Sony and dialed God's number.
"Psst..psst…psst." (Yeah. We couldn't hear the conversation again because of disturbance. This time Heaven Telecommunication says the Sun was too bright.)
"OK. It better work out twerp or you are gonna spend a long time on my floor."
"Don't remind me bugger." Muttered Metamor under his breath.
So God planted the tree, and gave it a red fruit called Apple. Then acting on Metamor's plan he called Adam and Eve, and expressly forbade them from eating the fruit from the apple tree on grounds that it would give them loose motion.
Metamor then went over to Lucifer's place (God had given him a large township called Hell). He told Lucifer about the plan, Lucifer was too happy to co-operate, he was grateful to God for making him the king of such an excellent city.
One evening Lucifer disguised himself as a serpent and went to meet Eve.
"Sssssay Eve, Don't you wisssh you had more control over Adam."
"Sigh. I'd love that O speaking serpent, but Adam is very lazy."
"I have a ssssolution, the Apple tree that you see in the yonder is actually a magic tree. If you eat half an Apple and then feed the resssst to Adam, he'll do you your bidding forever."
"Is that true?" Squealed Eve with delight.
"It'sssss assss true assss my love for you." Said the snake and disappeared.
So Eve went to the tree and looked at the Apples. She remembered God's orders but the sight of bright red Apples and the promise of making Adam do her bidding forever was too tempting to resist.
She broke an Apple from the branch and chomped. It was delicious, she was halfway through the apple in no time. With the other half she ran to where Adam was. (Naturally, she wore Goddidas jogging shoes for that extra bounce and speed.)
"Hey, Adam darling! My one and only love. (As if she had a choice.) Look at what I have brought you."
"What is it Eve baby?" Asked Adam cautiously, the extra affection in her voice made him a bit wary.
"It's a fruit dear, and one that will make you wise." Ever offered the fruit to Adam.
"Correction. It's only half a fruit, and it looks like an Apple. Don't you remember Boss told us not to eat Apples, it's gives you loose motion."
"Hey! I Ate half of it, but I am not rushing to the loo. God didn't know better. It's a great fruit, will make you feel real good."
"But Eve…" The rest of the words were cut off as Eve stuffed the fruit in Adam's mouth.
"Ungg….ufff…" He looked at her with pleading eyes.
"Eat it or I'll develop a permanent headache." Eve glowered at Adam threateningly.
That did it for Adam. Anything but that, he gulped down the apple in one go, but choked on it and some of it became lodged in his neck permanently. (He carried it for the rest of his life, they call it the 'Adam's apple', doctors call it the voice box).
Metamor and God who were watching the whole drama unfold from behind the bushes chuckled and congratulated each other on the success of their plan.
Eve was starting to rush for a glass of water for Adam when the skies darkened with clouds and lightning and sounds of thunder rumbled the very ground.
Adam and Eve were terrified, but a bit relieved when they saw God striding towards them. Metamor was with him.
God looked at them, scowled, folded his hands to his chest and turned his head to the other direction.
Then Metamor started speaking.
"Adam & Eve. You have violated God's orders, and God is very angry. He's never gonna speak to you again. (that was actually because God cannot tell a lie). I am his official voice from now on. For your punishment God is exiling you from Heaven and is sending you to Earth, there all the animals and even the elements will turn against you. Adam, you will have to fight against them and shelter Eve for the rest of your life. God has also made you mortal and you will die after a short while and live in Hell thereafter, but as further punishment, a part of you will continue to live in your children that Eve will bear for you."
"B..But…. Boss.." Adam tried to speak.
"No Buts. The decision has been taken and you will leave tonight. A special plane (God uses Air India—that explains all the crashes ;-) will take you to Earth." Metamor delivered the verdict and they withdrew.
So Adam and Eve were sent to Earth where they fought with their animal friends, had children and died. Their children had more children, and the chain continued until Earth was totally covered with the progeny of Adam and Eve. Like Adam and Eve their children led lives of struggle and fight. 'Mighty entertaining,' as God would say.
Meanwhile God watches from his Heaven. Thanks to so many options in people to watch God hasn't been bored. Every time he gets tired of a person he shifts to a new individual, with a new crisis and problems. It's so much fun for him.
Metamor is enjoying too. He occasionally makes an appearance on Earth as God's voice. And once spent a pretty long time on the place masquerading as God's son for a special show.
All is running fine and Metamor is happy, he worries a bit though for God is bound to get bored one day in spite of all the new characters and problems. When that day comes, God will want to end the show and start another. It will be end of Earth and Metamor would have to search for a new Idea. Metamor would have prayed that the day never comes, but it's useless, for God isn't listening. He's too busy watching his 'Reality show'.
© November 2001. Cyril M Gupta