The Evil Guys Are-

Antichrist Girl (Real name Jamie), evil demonic being who states her ambition as being to 'kill all those who refuse to take the mark of the beast on their hand or forehead' and has a multi-headed serpent called Bob as a sidekick. Her nemesis is The Messiah.

Cold Girl (Real name Becky), very cold girl indeed who plans to freeze the world over and has a sidekick named Jimmy. Jimmy wears lycra and says 'Gee whilickers, Cold Girl!" rather a lot. Cold Girl secretly wants him dead. Her nemesis is Sun Tan Man.

Lord Smagnus (Real name Mark), evil owner of an evil business that runs the world. His only ambition involves controlling yet more people and earning yet more money. His sidekick is Precious the fluffy white Persian. His nemesis is James Blond.

Sedusa (Real name Jenny), evil sorceress type who doesn't really want to do much except become the most powerful being alive. Her sidekick is a large black panther called Boz and her nemesis is Glinda the Good Faerie.

Fat-Ass Girl (Real name Lorna), a girl with a very fat ass (or so she thinks..) which is a ferocious weapon in her hands. Her ambition is to win a bitch fight with Lord Smagnus, and her sidekick is a fat sleepy old dog called Boo (who used to belong to Antichrist Girl).

Ominous music plays as we see a tall, black skyscraper silhouetted against the stormy sky. As a lightning bolt flashes across the sky, we see a shadow cast against the largest window on the top floor.. that of a hideous, multi- headed beast...

*~*~* Inside *~*~*

"Bob, stop breathing on the windows," Antichrist Girl said absent mindedly. "I'll take you out for a walk when it stops raining," The multi-headed serpent obediently stopped, and went to his basket, hissing at the fat sleepy old dog Boo who was snoring happily on the floor. Boo yelped with fright and leapt into Fat Ass Girl's arms.

"You should let that thing get more exercise!" Fat Ass Girl scolded. "Boo is all upset now.. go take it for a walkie. You can use your wings as an umbrella,"

"Stop talking about my wings!" Antichrist Girl wailed. "I can't help being an evil demonic being sent to end the world and kill all those who won't take the mark of the beast on their hand or fore-" She was silenced by a well-aimed freeze ray from Cold Girl who was most tired of hearing the Antichrist's speech. Cold Girl was bored. She'd spent the last few hours trying to coax Bob into eating her sidekick Jimmy, who was unfortunately still alive.

"Gee whilickers!" Jimmy said for the tenth time that hour. "Will you look at the weather?" He pointed enthusiastically.

Lord Smagnus closed his eyes and counted to ten. Then to twenty. Then he opened his eyes and punched through the door. There was scattered applause from Antichrist Girl and a snort from Fat Ass Girl who never admired anything Lord Smagnus did.

"Fat ass..." Lord Smagnus whispered quietly. She heard. She growled. She leapt upon him and hit him repeatedly. Bob leapt out of the way, alarmed. Boo snored. Antichrist Girl flew safely out of the way. Cold Girl was sat in the refrigerator in the kitchen, and so did nothing. Jimmy got punched a few times, but no-one really cared. Lord Smagnus emerged, scratched yet alive, victor of yet another bitch fight.

"What are we doing today..?" whined the previously unmentioned Sedusa, annoyed after losing £5 to the Antichrist betting that Fat Ass Girl would actually win.

"Try to take over the world?" pondered Smagnus, stroking his fluffy pet Persian Precious. "We usually do that when there's nothing on TV,"

"Hmm," meditated the Antichrist. "Those pesky heroes always get in the way though,"

"It's alright for you," Sedusa whined. "You don't even have a nemesis!"

"Heh.." the Antichrist was blissfully ignorant of any such nuisance that might live only to foil her wicked plans. "But I'm sure there must be one out there.. somewhere," She gazed fretfully out of the window and hid under the table from any passing heroes. "Hey, what's this?" She noticed a thick, heavy book propping up the wobbly table.

"Don't touch it!" Cold Girl screamed, but no-one heard her in the refrigerator except for some frozen orange flavour ice lollies. Too late. There was a hiss, a sizzling sound, and the Antichrist was hovering up in the furthest corner with a burnt hand.

"It's the bloody Bible," Smagnus said, inspecting it.

"Why does it burn?" whimpered the poor Antichrist who was much hurted.

"I think it mentions you in here..." Smagnus flicked through it, spilling his coffee everywhere because the table was once again wobbling. "Oh," He looked up. "You DO have a nemesis!"

"Who? Who?" He tried to read, but it was somewhat disconcerting when you had the Antichrist hovering behind you trying to read over your shoulder.

"The Messiah..." There was a shocked silence, then he read on further and burst out laughing. "You didn't tell me you were 'Born of a jackal!'"

There was much laughing, while the annoyed Antichrist tried to steal the book from Smagnus and burnt herself further. "We need to research," Sedusa said sensibly. "To the Antichrist's collection of old horror films!"

From this collection of old horror films they had learned everything a good evil company needed to know. How to spot a good guy, how to take over the world, the coolest looking way to execute someone...

"The Antichrist trilogy!" Cold Girl smiled triumphantly. "Remember the plot, Antichrist Girl?"

"Of course! It's about this baby called Damian and he-"

"Aaahhh, let's watch it again anyway," Smagnus said, happily. "You can never have too many horror films.."

Four or five hours later they sat watching the credits as the picture of the dead Damian filled the screen and sweet angelic music played. Antichrist Girl was in tears. Smagnus was laughing hysterically at the thought of Antichrist Girl dying in the same way. Sedusa was sensibly making plans to kill every young boy in the world, thus eradicating the Messiah once and for all. "THINK, Antichrist Girl," she said. "You must remember waking up one day and feeling the presence of the Messiah descending to Earth, the agonising pain as he came to free us from your evil.."

"I thought it was PMT," she argued, reasonably. "But I do remember the date.. it was about five years ago,"

"So we're looking for a four, five or six year old baby boy," Cold Girl said, emerging from her refrigerator in a blast of cold air. "Well that bloody well narrows it down,"

"Shall we go out and have a look around for some?" Smagnus suggested. "I think the sidekicks need exercise anyway.." This was a reasonable statement, as Bob the serpent was currently swallowing Jimmy whole. Cold Girl groaned. She'd been hoping that no-one would notice him dying.

They headed towards the elevator, blissfully unaware of the suave man in a tuxedo who was currently infiltrating the building.

The suave man wasn't having fun. He discovered that there were less infra- red sensors and closing doors as one might expect from a corporate bastard's security system, and a hell of a lot more spiked pits and ancient curses. He dashed along yet another corridor, rolling safely under the descending door as boulders crashed behind him, and stood up straightening his tie, to find himself inside the conference room of the evil company itself. A blue haired young lady was being helped out of a refrigerator by a tall, staff wielding sorceress with live snakes growing amongst her hair. He quirked his eyebrow in his charming English way and turned to the corporate bastard himself, who was sat at the head of a highly polished table with a fluffy white Persian on his knee. "Lord Smagnus, I presume?" He asked. "The names Blond... James Blond,"

"Ahh, Mr Blond," Smagnus smiled. "I have been expecting you," He stroked Precious, who promptly hissed and bit him. He tried to hide his watering eyes as he kept James Blond talking to divert his attention from the other evil members who were closing in behind him.

"I know what you're planning, Smagnus," James Blond's hand slid to his pocket, no doubt planning to pull out another handy spy toy. He turned his head slightly, at the sound of Sedusa sneezing. Smagnus panicked, and distracted Blond by jumping on the table.

"I have something to confess, Mr Blond!" He intoned, improvising quickly. "I... er, WANT you!" He did a funny little dance to distract until Cold Girl was finally close enough to freeze Blond from behind with a well aimed freeze ray.

Some time later...

"Owieeeee," James Blond awoke some time later to find the Antichrist standing there blasting him with a hair dryer. "He's defrosted!" She called out, and the rest of the evil company stopped playing tiddly winks and came to see.

James Blond shook his head. There was a girl.. or a demon... or something with wings and a cheap plastic hair dryer. There was a blue haired young lady sucking an orange ice lolly which clashed horribly with her hair. There was a Corporate Bastard kicking the shit out of a small fluffy Persian. There was a young lady (With a fat ass) kicking the shit out of the Corporate Bastard, wearing a vest emblazoned with the letters F.A.G, standing presumably for Fat Ass Girl. And there was another girl currently poking him with a staff which shot sparks from the end in a most worrying manner.

"Who are you and who sent you here?" Sedusa asked nicely.

"I'll NEVER tell you!" He retorted heroically. The four-inch stiletto wearing Sedusa stamped on his.. pants region rather hard. He screamed.

"I'm an insurance salesman?" He tried weakly.

"BASTARD!" Fat Ass Girl leapt upon him and squashed him with her fat ass, shouting abuse about insurance salesmen all the while.

"Calm down," Lord Smagnus removed Fat Ass Girl. "He's lying," Sedusa raised one stiletto clad foot and looked at him. He screamed.

"I'm-from-a-rival-company-of-true-heroes-dedicated-to-saving-the-world-from- your-evil!" He stuttered, trying to scramble to safety. Bob hissed threateningly.

"BASTARD!" Fat Ass Girl leapt upon him again and squashed him with her fat ass, shouting abuse about heroes all the while. Lord Smagnus didn't pull her off this time, but joined in.

James Blond may have been blond (infiltrating a company of evil on his own?) but during the struggle a smoke bomb he had stashed in his underpants went off, filling the room with smoke. During the confusion he stumbled to the window and leapt out, luckily landing on a passing truck which was transporting pillows.

"Fuckedy fuck fuck," Cold Girl was unhappy. She wanted to kill the nice man and he'd gone and buggered off. "Shall we go look for him?"

"Messiah first," The Antichrist was determined. "I want to kill it before it's big enough to fight back," The others shrugged and agreed. It made sense.

"Are we short of anything, while we're going out?" Sedusa said practically. "I need more basic potion ingredients and a human sacrifice,"

"Precious needs neutering," Smagnus said murderously. "Let's call by the vet's..."

"We only have one vat of black nail polish left," Fat Ass Girl reported from the store room.

"I need water.." Jimmy-the-sidekick said weakly, but no-one was paying attention.


The evil people did attract attention, being all dressed in black wearing sunglasses and leading an assortment of sidekicks after them (A panther, a Persian, a camp boy in lycra, a dog called Boo and a multi-headed fire breathing horned serpent with a blasphemous name written upon each head, called Bob for short). And there were some other minor points, such as Sedusa's snakes-for-hair, the Antichrist's demonic wings and Cold Girl's blue hair.

"Oooh, I see small boys!" Sedusa yelped, pointing to a playground. Children of all ages ran around, playing happily, the air filled with their happy voices, their chubby faces alight with happy smiles, and everything was so bloody happy that she could hardly resist storming in and dismembering a few.

"Right," Fat Ass Girl whispered. "Lord Smagnus, you creep in and hang around and talk to the children to gain their trust. Offer them lollipops and tell them to go play with Bob, that's when YOU, Antichrist Girl, will bag the children and Cold Girl, you freeze them and Sedusa will help you take them back to our centre. Meanwhile, I shall distract the parents..."

Smagnus leaned casually against the climbing frame. A small red haired boy regarded him warily. "What you looking at, kiddo?" He enquired politely.

"You look stupid," The kid replied honestly.

"Oh, really?" Smagnus wondered if he could punch through a small child as well as he could punch through a door. He counted to ten, then opened his eyes and smiled widely.

"Would you like this yummy lollipop?" He asked the small child in the sweetest tones he could manage.

"Hell no, freak," The small child scowled.

"How about..." Smagnus fumbled frantically in his pocket. "This lovely spliff!"

"o0o0o!" The child was won over, and followed him to the waiting Antichrist.

Meanwhile, Fat Ass Girl was causing a diversion. She pushed Jimmy-the- sidekick out onto the playground. "Hey look everybody!" She called out from her safe hiding place. "It's that PAEDOPHILE!"

The angry parents stormed out and jumped upon Jimmy, who ran for his life while Smagnus lured the kiddies away with promises of drugs. While they all patted Bob and pointed at the funny lady with the wings, Cold Girl froze them with her evil freeze rays and they were dragged away...

*~*Back At The Evil Headquarters*~*

"Ok, kiddos," The Antichrist paced in front of the large room full of young boys. "I know that one of you is the Messiah. Are you going to own up, or let all these innocent young children die?"

There was silence, then the kiddies burst into tears simultaneously. Cold Girl hid in the refrigerator. Lord Smagnus dived under his highly polished table. Sedusa hissed and leapt up on top of a wardrobe and refused to come down. Fat Ass Girl tried to dive under the table too, and knocked it over with her afore-mentioned fat ass. The Antichrist flew up and hid on the ceiling fan, refusing to fly back down until Lord Smagnus sensibly turned it on and removed her by those violent, yet effective means.

"JUST-FUCKING-KILL-THEM-ALL!" He bellowed, over the noise of the city's entire population of young boys. Bob hissed agreeably, and ate the nearest one. The Antichrist shrugged, and picked up her 'Big Fuck-Off Flamethrower Gun Thing' and prepared to flame the lot of them.

"REPENT, OH EVIL ONE, FOR I AM HERE!" A voice intoned.

Antichrist Girl leapt with fright. "Who the hell is that?" Fat Ass Girl yelped.


The evil people looked around and saw-

A young fellow of about 4 or so, with fluffy blonde curls and angelic blue eyes, hovering just outside the window with the help of his fuzzly pink angel wings. He spoke again in a frankly terrifying and deep tone.


Antichrist Girl was currently hiding in the wardrobe that Sedusa was sat on top of. Her rather muffled voice emerged "What does it say about this in the Bible, Smagnus?"

Lord Smagnus removed the Bible that was once again propping up the table (earning a truly evil look from the Messiah) and flicked through it frantically. "Er.. er, it says you will be 'cast alive into a lake of fire' and that seems to be it.."

"IT IS TIME TO END ALL THIS EVIL! ALL OF YOU WILL JOIN THE BEAST IN ETERNAL TORMENT!" The baby roared, then flew straight through the window.

Cold Girl struggled out of the refrigerator and raced for the elevator, followed by a blast of pink bubbles from the Messiah. The Antichrist whimpered pathetically as the Messiah wooshed towards her... "PREPARE TO DIE, OH EVIL ONE!" The baby roared, preparing to fire yet more pink bubbles.

"Please, forgive me!" She cried. "Don't kill me- I can change!"

The baby thought for a moment, then turned. "SEE, MY GOOD CHILDREN," it addressed the petrified kiddies. A serene golden glow surrounded it. "I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA, AND I FORGIVE ALL THOSE WHO COME UNTO ME-" It was cut off at this point as the Antichrist fired the contents of a 'Big Fuck- Off Flamethrower Gun Thing ' straight into it's unprotected back.

There was cheering from all evil people present, as the reincarnated Messiah was reduced to pink goo. There was no sound at all from the kiddies who were traumatised to the point of losing the ability to speak. The Antichrist quietly fainted into Sedusa's arms.

*~*That Night..*~*

"Well, one hero down, another four to go," Cold Girl said cheerfully, helping Lord Smagnus to scrub bits of Messiah from the highly polished table. The Antichrist was throwing a frisbee for Boo, Bob and Boz who had cleaned up any large pieces of Messiah in their efficient way. "Do we have any alcohol?" Cold Girl asked, emerging from the refrigerator empty-handed.

"Run out and get some," Smagnus said absent mindedly, being busy planning ways to drain a few countries of their resources.

"Run out and get some," She repeated. "You make it sound so simple.. not a 60 floor dash through various traps set up to kill intruders,"

"Rappel down the side of the building then," Fat Ass Girl suggested, still absorbed in a game of tiddly winks with Bob, who was losing due to having no real limbs.

Cold Girl and the Antichrist eventually left with a long list of alcohol related orders. Cold Girl tied a rope to the highly polished table and absailed down the side of the building while Antichrist Girl hovered along side. "I can see into the male staff toilets!" Cold Girl shrieked in a worryingly girly way, as they reached the tenth floor. "I like that security guard," She pointed.

"ARE-YOU-GETTING-THE-BLOODY-ALCOHOL?!" Lord Smagnus bellowed, looking down on them with his head stuck out of the top floor window. "I'LL-CUT-THE- BLOODY-ROPE!"

Cold Girl flicked her middle finger, then reluctantly continued on her way. A passing man gawped at the sight of a blue haired young lady abseiling down the side of a large skyscraper with the Antichrist flying alongside. She shot a freeze ray at him, felt better and continued to the nearest shop.

A small baby sat gurgling happily in its pram. It had innocent blue eyes and golden curls and a chubby little baby face. And as the Antichrist and Cold Girl passed by, it opened its little rosebud mouth-


Wasn't that odd? Tis based on me and my friend's nicknames...

Lord Smagnus= Mark (He has a ring with latin inscribed on it.. 'something- something-smagnus', which probably translates as 'Made in Taiwan'. I dubbed him 'Lord' after he got angry and partially destroyed a school door)

Cold Girl= Becky (The reason this whole thing ever started! She is extraordinarily cold, and said once that her mission was to 'freeze the world'.. gave me an idea)

Sedusa=Jenny (The name was stolen from Cradle of Filth.. but we're taking good care of it)

Antichrist Girl= Jamie (People call me it all the time, so that's just fine and dandy)

Fat Ass Girl= Lorna (She chose the name for herself! She's always complaining about her 'fat ass', but she loves it really..)

Next chapter- How it all started... involved radioactive goo and sumo wrestlers and whatnot.